life after high school

I realized that none of my high school friends (with the exception of Chris Mueller) bother to read my blog. Not that there is anything particularly profound in it, but they manage to read each other's Xangas pretty dang well. Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of them in a while. And I don't get the feeling that any of us are really sad about that. Maybe we're all busy, which has been my social limitation this summer, but maybe we're really just apathetic and too busy trying to sort out our own troubles to remember that "HEY, I haven't seen so and so."

John Aho mentioned that it was hard to break out of who people thought you were in high school and I must say I quite agree. I look back at myself and at pictures and I see someone who was more insecure, who was crazy and out of control and liked being that way, who was good at school and liked to be, who got noticed more but didn't listen as well, who was more outgoing and made friends more quickly, and who was just as busy, but had a lot more energy. I feel like I've mellowed. I also can't help but feel that a lot of people from home haven't realized this. I mean, we've all changed. Tim has Jessica and is much more outspoken about what he believes. John Aho goes to Carleton and is subjected to much more rigor than I think we realize. I've never met his friends there, but he goes out with them on the weekends. John K. has gotten much closer to his Gatsby ideal. He works hard, dresses well, and go after that suave gentleman aura. Amanda has given up on classes for a long time. She's done with school and is deciding to work instead. She sees a lot of more of people like her, who live in the area fulltime, than she does of the kb.qb crowd she scorns.

Maybe I'm totally wrong and seeing things from an outsider's perspective. That would only prove my point more. I think it's hard for us to see our friends outside of the box in which we met them. When I try to sit down and have deep conversations with any of my home friends, I distinctly feel that I am being neither listened to nor my opinions really being considered. They're too busy and they're not used to the Great Con me who tries really hard not to interrupt people. Still, I feel like I have more connection with these people who I've known for years and years than I do with many Oles. Am I getting shy or just unwilling to let go of the past?

Isn't college supposed to be the greatest time of your life? Why then do I read so many internet journals in which people are sad, down-trodden, feeling hopeless about job prospects or interpersonal relationships, or wonder what they're going to study/do? Are we really that different from people who went to college before us, or do you only gain that sense of "golden years" after you leave school and realize that the real world is much worse. What do we have to look forward to? Stress, more stress, and then retirement? We think that doing it all is the sign of being successful: having a great career, family, and making enough money to support the latter. I think you make sacrifices of one for the others. Maybe you have a job you like and can spend time with your family, but it doesn't pay that well. Or suppose you have a high-intensity career that gives you all the financial security you could want, but you neglect your family in the process. You could hate your job, love your family.

Where is the sense of meaning that is supposed to be found in life? Maybe what really ties me to Chaska High School, to knowledge bowl, and the people I knew there is that I felt life had more meaning way back when. And I'd like to hold onto that memory for as long as I need to search for it now. Because I feel like I ought to have it all and yet I don't because some critical, maybe spiritual, piece is missing. Maybe a lot of my troubles would be solved by a shorter work week? Maybe if we had the time to tackle them, to read, and to rest our minds and bodies, things could be different. But I think that things are different: a simple life is no long valued, but looked down upon as not having accomplished enough. I guess we're supposed to balance all these pieces like the legs of a table and maybe that's what college really is supposed to teach us. Paths cross and then weave apart again and perhaps I just need to be more open to the current.

Go My Antonia!

With hot summer weather and a lot of tedious, stop and start commuting, I was dreading filling up my tank to see what sort of gas mileage My Antonia had been getting. I was SHOCKED when I realized that my baby had gone like 215 miles on 7.15 gallons of gas. She's an old girl and literally getting 30 miles to the gallon in spite of radio and AC usage as well as some bumps and frequent accelerations. Amanda my dear friend, I love you and I love The Bitch, but as you make fun of my car, in your face! This is why Honda Civics kick ASS! Ahhh... I love my baby.

On unrelated subjects, let's see. Ah yes. I've really hurt my neck and upper back at work. The chairs are atrocious and I'm working at the computer every minute. I had to go in late to work this morning for the combined reasons of pain and generally not feeling good. It always feels sacreligious to be sick during the summer, as if you're betraying its spirit and the freedom it represents. Still, I know myself and the days of getting only 8 hours of sleep a night are catching up to me. Yes, I know that for others this would be ok. And yes, I do have moral objections to going to bed earlier than 10:20 or 10:30 with any regularity.

Tonight it's off to Northfield to hang out with the boyfriend in Thorson. I'm looking forward to the drive down. Only two and a half hours to go. I'm out of things to do at work, so I guess I'll continue educating myself on environmental issues. Happy weekend!

good read

I stole this from Grant, but as it's something everyone should read, here you all go. Yay Star Trek!

something cheerful

I decided I needed something cheerful to supplement the gloom of last post. I've realized the great thing about getting older is that you get to start over family-wise. You move out, you really have your own life, you get to start your own family. It's like a clean slate. All the sad Christmases and holidays as well as years of being lonely at night, shut up in a bedroom, not being able to ever watch TV on the couch, or listen to music, and every other unfair thing has the chance to be erased. I know what I want to avoid at all costs. I'm not perfect, no one is, but at least there's a better chance of being allowed to be happy. You're couch commando now and there's no one to tell you to go away. That's got to be an improvement. Especially if you've right person to be happy with.

9 months today!!!

MWA HA! Jimmy and I have been dating for exactly 9 months today. How exciting it is to be able to write that! I'm going down to campus tonight to celebrate. I can't wait to see him, can't wait to see the room, can't wait to just exist after work, which will probably be exhausting as usual. I should also mention that I saw Jimmy last night, too, but under very different circumstances. We had a pretty big fight at home last night and I took off to Burnsville for dinner to meet him. I don't care about the gas anymore. I'm getting a raise and there are more important things. I don't understand why my family lets things continue as they are. No one enjoys being home. Last night was all about a fridge. My fridge, to be exact. My 18th birthday present. That my Dad yearly fills with his crap. It hasn't bothered me too much thus far, that is until last night. The fridge is the last battleground. I've retained control of most things in my life: my car, computer, and now phone. There is very little my dad can impose when he gets mad and wants to flex his control. But the fridge, which lives downstairs much to my dismay, is something that technically belongs to me but isn't mine to do anything with. I was trying to find dinner and quickly. After getting a bit upset when things my parents had stashed someplace seemed to have disappeared (I'm always afraid of it going bad in a dark corner, forgotten about), a bag of quesedilla cheese making was launched at me from across half the house. It broke, making a mess of course, but the more important thing was the anger behind it being chucked. Every time when I go home, I get bitched at for doing things like that when I'm angry by none other than my dad. Things were quickly degrading and I thought to solve it once and for all, the fridge should just move upstairs for the summer until it goes back to school (I actually have space for it now!). This was unacceptable so it got sat on to prevent its removal. There are many things I'll put up with from my father, but insults and refridgerator sit-ins are just too much. I ended up running out to my car and driving away. My father stationed himself unnaturally in front of the fridge all night and now day in a HP and the Sorceror's Stone fashion. Again with the power struggle. Well, it's effectively ended now! It's a difficult time to balance the faults of your parents, your own very flawed nature, decide what's right and what's wrong, and some how come out of it all alive. I've always been an adult in their eyes, unable to make the smallest mistake without being flayed alive. And now that I actually am "grown-up", I feel more and more like a child.

just another frenzied friday

I wish it were my day! Instead, I'm at the office for the whole day, of course. At least this week has passed by more quickly than last. But the real reason I'm in a frenzy is that St. Olaf grades are due to be posted this morning. And that is enough to make my blood pressure catapult. I'm guiltily refreshing the webpage every couple minutes in the hope that a sure sign that I a) am a good student, b) deserve to consider myself a nerd and c)am not going to be chucked out of school will appear.

Still not there. What are they playing at? Do they know people all over are brooding over their grades, waiting for them to be displayed? What kind of torture are they attempting to inflict? I mean, sweet Registrar, put them up now pretty please? If they do it according to last name, then mine should be coming soon, right? Right? ... CURSES!

AH! I keep doing it, so I've closed the window and that's that. MMMMHMMM. I'll look again in a few minutes... err, hours.

Ode to a Secchi disk

Secchi disks have to be one of the greatest inventions of all time... errr... limnological time. But seriously. A whole bunch of water quality info from this one little white disk on a string. A long time ago, Mr. Secci needed to measure the clarity of the Mediterranean Sea for one of the popes and he invented this happy little beast. What's more is that making Secchi disks today got me out of the office for a whole 5 hours!!! I get to go home in only 3 hours and it's been the best day of work so far. Today, we made 15 shnazzy, proto-type Secchi disks. Usually, they're quite heavy so that one can get an accurate reading of water clarity. As you lower it into the water, the moment at which the white disk is no longer visible is the Secchi depth. The string is marked with paint pens (which I successfully avoided getting all over my white shirt!) so you round the depth off to the closest foot as marked on the string. However, backpacking through the BWCA presents a challenge to the avid lake-monitorer. One cannot simply lug a several pound Secchi disk about. Instead, a man here designed a new one, made of durable plastic, with a net pouch attached. One simply adds rocks to the pouch and voila! The portable, yet potent, Secchi disk is born and one may monitor freely! We even got to model their use. Jimmy, the bracelette you gave me is making its debut all over MN as my hand casually adds rocks to the pouch. I got to go out to lunch today, too. Again, Secchi disks are one of the greatest inventions.

Ned's here!

Finally -- human contact! Ned Brooks, who resides in the cubicle across from mine, is back from a work-related trip to South Africa!!! It's exciting to have another living soul nearby. It's really a shame that I'm so tired every day that I can't keep my head up. I literally go to bed at 10:30 every night and get up at 6:30 -- that's a whole 8 hours! I don't know what else to do. My body is clearly saying "you're working me too hard" but that's sort of a problem with the whole internship thing. How do people like me balance this? There must be someone out there who is fatigued and works an office job! Maybe they don't have to commute as much? Still -- I'm on the lookout for anti-exhaustion ideas or tips. If you have any, do comment.

car bashings, etc.

This weekend had some downs. Me backing into Grant's car accidentally was definitely a big one. Of course he graciously told me it was ok (like I knew he would 'cause he's just that nice) but I still felt Stupid with a capital S about it. Gotta look into getting that one undented. I also bashed in the back of My Antonia. Damn with a capital D. Poor baby. Stupid owner. Still, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And what's more, a lot of things aren't as bad as they could be by any means.

The job. Well, the commuting is a pain in the ass and pushed me from mental exhaustion to complete physical exhaustion as well. Still, it's not that bad. It's very tedious and monotonous work, but I'm sure I'll be happy that the MPCA is air-conditioned come July. And, it looks like I'll at least be in the field once or twice so that's something. What's more, it's a slight ego boost that I can do this job. As far as the report writing goes, I've learned a lot in high school and some at St. Olaf and by God, my worst fear that I'd be totally incompetent has passed. I might need to cut back on hours as the CFS stuff worsens, but for now I'll just bear having to go to bed at 10:30 (pathetic) every night and save my social life for the weekends.

The weekend! Jimmy came to visit! YAY! I had tons of fun with him, just as always. We went bed shopping with my mom (because my sad little bed has nearly all of it's supports broken) and ended up finding a similarly metal headboard, but much older looking bed AND bought a frame and boxspring to go with it. He also helped my destress, organize my mess of assorted CDs, movies, and books. It was in short, the ideal weekend.

Amanda! I saw her FINALLY. Sheesh. It took me long enough. But it's splendid to see her, even if we are in very different places.

My room! It will be livable, so help me God. It's a tiny room, yes. It's a full room, as one is bound to be when the college stuff moves back in. But you know what? It can be cleaned! It will be rearranged. And I am just the girl to do it... on a weekend.

See all these lovely things to be happy about, to find refuge in. I just need to keep reminding myself when I'm feeling ready to throw in the towel. :)

what makes a career worthwhile?

I was always under the impression that in order to have a worthwhile occupation, you would do something related to what you liked to study. However, I'm not so sure about that. A lot of things that you love to read and think about make for frustrating jobs, as I'm finding out. I love being outside and cleaning up the Earth, but the desk job at the MPCA isn't ... really my thing. However, I really love the coffeehouse and I never tire of that job no matter what. Now honestly, how does that work? Even if my friends never came to visit, I'd love it. Shouldn't it be the other way around, that the more challenging, scientific internship beats out the college work study job? I think it takes a lot more to be satisfied at work than prestige or academic pursuits. If you can't really get the satisfaction of making anyone's day better through the work you do, then I find that I'm not really feeling satisfied with the job either. I think in the end, go to college, learn, find things you like to do and graduate. THEN, think about what you want to do, even if it has nothing to do with anything. I can always take hikes or monitor lakes for fun, but I doubt that I'd feel content devoting my life to it.

MPCA and marriage

Two huge things happened this week.

For starters (as a lot of you know), I began my first "real world job". Actually I think I may be the first one of us all to actually have a real office, cubicle, work environment, etc. job except for maybe Wendy.

And that brings me to number two:

Wendy's getting married... this August.

My Wendy! MARRIED! I wondered when this would happen (and I rightly guessed when we told me she had exciting news for me) but I didn't think I'd be in such shock. Happy shock, mind you. Wendy is wonderful and BYU boys are all nice, responsible, caring and older, thus they are at the point in life during which one intends to marry. I mean, he's 24 -- because good Mormon boys go on missions for 0.5-2 years -- and having just graduated will be going to med school. And Wendy is giving up the single life of living with "the girls" in her moral, bachelorette pad to marry him, to change her name, leave her apt., friends and possibly even BYU to follow him. Is this "bacheloretter" than waiting a year?

BYU operates, from all that I understand of this mysterious place, on a different time scale than the rest of the U.S. People get married to other members of the church in college and this is perfectly normal. I can't help but compare this to St. Olaf, where it's kosher to wait at least until the day after graduation to tie the knot. But, are these two religious schools that different? Here Wendy is, 20 years old, about to marry a fiance she's been dating for not even six months. And then there's me planning to marry the guy I've been dating for 9 months. I guess it's a fair point that Jimmy and I will NOT be doing any marrying in the next two years, thus extending the courtship period into the "acceptable" length of time that one tests the waters. I have to wonder, what would it be like if we all were getting married right now? It seems like there's so much to do and to learn and many mistakes to make before you "settle down." But people didn't always believe this needed to happen while single. In fact, to many it's perfectly acceptable to go through these life experiences with someone else at your side. It's like a safety net.

This whole marriage thing is Scary with a capital S. I hope Wendy feels she's making the right decision (which I know she does), that everything goes off without a hitch, and that my time won't come for a blissfully long while.

From a lonely cubicle

Sigh. I was really excited for this internship, but day one has been anything but eventful and I have been counting down the hours since I got here. I am sitting alone. In a cubicle. Reading various Lake Assessment Programs. Alone. With nothing else to occupy my time. Can you say Office Space? Man. This is supposed to be meaningful, experiential work, but I am longingly thinking of my lovely little Coffeehouse in Larson Hall where work is never dull and other human beings dare to speak to you. I was supposed to get some data to analyze, but thus far nada except a hundred pages on Lake Assessments in Itasca and Cook Counties. Hey -- "expect" is like "except" EXCEPT for the c and the p are reversed. Cool!

OMG... Did I actually just write that? I think I've hit rock bottom and am cracking completely. Well. I better go partition the end of my food to last me. So f*ing hungry.

peace and rain

I marvel at how wonderful it is to be on campus when most people have already left. It's a tranquil Wednesday night and the rain is falling outside my window onto some much needed earth. I also marvel at how good it feels to have a nearly-empty room. Right now, 501 Larson is clean and open and I just feel at peace inside of it. There is little clutter, no posters or bits of paper tacked to the walls. It's like the man-made image of nature. I only wish Jimmy was still around! It's lovely to have some time to think and be peaceful, but I know I'll have a lot of quiet nights this summer after work and I wish I could just be with him for right now. I talked to him on the phone, so that's some consolation. But still, perhaps there's a sweet calm to this melancholy that makes it much easier to bear than the confinement of home. I could live like this for months on end.

cursed superego!

I think I've figured out what my problem is! I have an overactive superego! I'm way too rule-conscious with other people ("oh, that's not polite!") -- blah blah, so who cares? No one will suddenly hate you if you're not on your best behavior. I think my superego is my parents! Guilt, catholicism, academia, being "perfect" and "good" all time. My superego is the messed up one, I should just not worry! While I love Freud, I do have a bone to pick with him: I don't think that your entire personality is formed by the age of 5! Look at me! Until age 5, serious parental depression was out of the picture! It was after age 5 that that set in and I got pretty messed up hearing all kinds of traumatic things, like what a bad kid I was. So honestly Mr. Freud, sheesh! J/k. It's ok. Everyone has history. Sometimes it's just really crippling, that's all. Anyway, thus ends my con-prompted ponderings. :) Nighty night all you Freudian sex fiends!

HAHAH! Houston, we have TITLE!

Mwa hahahah! Blogger rocks my world. I decided to boycott studying for a bit longer in order to check out my potential blog possibilities. Y'all can comment and such. How exciting! It's time to bite the bullet (or perhaps the contralto mouthpiece?) and get ready for jury, finals, and other such important events in the next day or two. Good luck everyone!

itunes!

My computer got a facelift! I'm so proud! It's all beautiful with Mozilla and itunes! I'm excited to perhaps clean up some of the junk I've got about... :) yay!!!

Lauren = slacker

Halloa! I feel like a bit of a slacker for taking a 12 day blog break, but ah well.

Exciting things have happened! I have an internship! It's at the MN Pollution Control Agency and I'll be all over the state take lake water samples to analyze and look for trends in MN water quality. It should be fun, but it'll be mighty tricky to figure out how I will a) commute, b) balance my time between Chanhassen and Northfield and manage to get from place to place with gas prices, c) squeeze in orgo someplace since i won't be taking classes this summer.

What else... hmmm... it's getting to be that time -- moveout! My neighbors on the 5th floor have all began to move boxes around and have their parents take loads of stuff home and here I sit with a lot stuff to pack up and put into cockroach-infested Mellby storage. This, my friends, is why we invented plastic! Six storage containers ought to fit a lot! Hopefully? Haha... ummm... yeah. Now it's off to the last class of the year. Craziness.

Hmmm... this is going to be a terribly deep and thoughtful post, but I want to list the delicious movies (yes, I said delicious) I've seen lately that I highly recommend.

Big Fish -- The movie floats by like a dream, with the same bizarre characters and settings, but it's hilarious and absolutely tear-provoking in places. At the end, you feel that life is worth living and one must strive to understand it all. Moreover, Ewan McGregor is hott. With two "t"s.

Love Actually -- This movie has been on in our room too many times to count in the last week. It starts by saying love actually is all around and by god, it makes its case well. There are too many fine Brit actors to count (Colin Firth! Colin Firth? Colin Firth!!!!) and the various stories all interweave nicely.

Finding Nemo -- Disney and Pixar should always make movies. Or rather, Pixar should go all dominatrix and make Disney its bitch. I love this movie! Everyone loves this movie! That's reason enough, besides the way cool marine ecosystems and talking specimens one enounters while watching.

Star Wars -- Go for the classics, go for the gold. Honestly, that's the pinnacle of our favorite galaxy far, far away, though Yoda's lightsaber scene in Ep. II kicked some major ass. Still, nothing beats Sir Alec Guiness, banter between Leia and Han, an animatronic Yoda with bedhead, and Mark Hamil's only real acting roles.

Lord of the Rings -- Who in their right mind wouldn't love these movies with an open heart? They're like one giant orgasm with everything you could ever want in your life. Wow. Go Peter Jackson. Go hobbits. Them's the best darn films y'all'll (?) find round these parts. Seriously.


Other ones I need to buy: American Beauty, Chocolat, Matrix Revolutions (or the original for that matter), Office Space, but these are all classics, at least in my book.


And now I'm done. I hope you've enjoyed this lovely regression -- Have a good evening!

Wow! I just wasted many minutes of my life with this sad but strangely enticing game: happy battings!

Though sadly the curator of this site cannot spell "penguin" nor will the blogger let me actually add a link (alas!), so copy and paste and it's worth your time.

http://home.tele2.fr/kcv/pinguin.swf

I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you love that well that you're sick? I can't stop crying, but I've realized that a lot of people don't know what's going on with me and I ought to tell them. I feel like I've unintentionally hurt feelings by being sensitive about things like getting enough sleep, finding a place to sleep, being exhausted, or getting sick a lot. If you were one of them, I'm really, really sorry. Ever since having mono in high school, I noticed that I didn't have a good immune system and I never seemed to feel rested. It got a lot worse when I came to college, so that it is hard for me to sleep at night, much less get enough sleep, and be able to feel healthy and go to class. It was getting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. About a thousand visits and blood tests, we ruled out everything and I had enough symptoms to get the loose diagnosis of "chronic fatigue syndome." Basically, my body doesn't sleep the way other people's do. No matter how much sleep I get, I don't wake up feeling good or rested. If I get less than 8 or 9 a night (which is hard with 8am classes), I feel nauseous and dizzy sometimes to the point of not being able to sit or stand. I usually have a headache and just going through the motions of a normal day completely wipes me out. It's hard to get through college and work and activities like band and still do well, but I'm trying. I think I can lead a normal life as long as I'm careful, but I just want everyone to know what's going on. I know we all have problems that are difficult to deal with, but it feels good to get all this out finally. Anyway... it's time to sleep. :) Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really known what to write. It's been a really difficult week for me CFS-wise because of the tests, sleep hazards, and the eco lab in the rain. I wish I could just normally deal with homework and school and have a normal amount of feeling sick and being dizzy and exhausted, but that's just not possible. I want to not get frustrated when I feel like people don't get it, but sometimes I find myself getting mad, like it's just not fair. I need to get over it, I know.

And so here comes ponderance numero deux:
It's true that your upbringing has a lot of effect on your personality. I feel like a lot of things about how I was raised were wonderful: I know what it means to work hard, to be frugal, to disappear into your imagination, to love the Earth and the creatures within it, and have been encouraged in all things academic. However, I feel like I didn't learn how to be happy, how to be totally honest with people close to me without worrying that they would take advantage of vulnerabilities, how to feel confident in myself, or how to just live without worrying about something or feeling sad about something. All these need to be relearned and some things simply put into the past. I am having trouble doing this! I wish I could go back to what my nature was before things got bad at home and start over, but I know I'd be a different person and that would be no good. Oh well -- what's the point of life if not to travel from the person you used to be to the one you will become?

Well... time to go to work. :) Happy evening all!

Hmmmm... Easter was lovely. Had a great time at Jimmy's, like I always do. I feel more free away from home and academics both. However, the start of class again smacked me upside the head. Four hours on the lab paper from hell not counting many more hours spent in lab. It'll be about two days until I am in my room to relax. Oh well. The band is performing at MENC and off I go!

However, the best part of today was undoubtedly roomdraw because I am going to be an RA IN MELLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited for training that it's sad! :)

So, that's all for tonight -- time to cram a chemistry assignment into my rehabilitation moments before bed.

I was napping before our French petite examen but I'm afraid that I just cannot ignore some hunger pangs and it's time to munch. Cheese and crackers a wonderful part of existence. I know I've babbled on about them two posts ago, but honestly, YUM! I think I would be content roaming around outside with friends, sleeping under trees, and eating hunks of bread, meat and cheese as meals forever.... just like Robin Hood! I remember reading the full and arduously difficult version of "The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" when I was younger. It was so thick and difficult that it was all my reading points for the whole quarter. But I never forgot that idea of freedom... just to be outside, to live simply, and to follow just and noble causes. What decadence have I been living since then? I think that college is (and is rightfully so) an inherently selfish time because it's all about you. You pursue your own education, tastes, and pursuits and hopefully these are tempered and at the end you emerge as a butterfly of sorts. Still, I always feel I'm missing something large and vast and that I can just barely taste it to know it's there yet still outside my grasp. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's freedom, maybe it's just as simply as some truly free time. But it's out there and that's what matters.

This was a great weekend. The band concert went well. I read outside. I spent some quality time with the Jimmy. I talked with my roommate. I went into town with the Megan. I didn't leave all my homework for Sunday. I saw my mom and my brother. And now I'm going to talk with friends, do some chemistry and feast on tea and a poptart. Yum yum.

Friday!

I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers. In an hour, the Jimmy is going to show me all the food and plans he's been concocting for our "Six Months Observed" festivities. I love Fridays! On what other day of the week do you get forced to be productive and then are rewarded with relaxation and the prospect of a whole weekend??? Mmmm... blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.

Ok, so the last month has been rough. But everyone goes through these bad times that test the soul and strengthen the character. So you buck up and get through it and something will start going your way. However, if nothing starts to get better and the downspiral just keeps going farther and farther, then what do you do? Being at school isn't fun at all and you dread it, but then going home only seems to make everything worse because all your family ever does is scream at one another. I was hoping that Spring Break would give me a breather so I could start with new patience, but living in one's tiny bedroom eating on your lap because you want to avoid the chaos out your door isn't at all comforting and I wish I could just be done with everything. Grrrrrrrrr.

Happy Spring Break to everyone!

Larson 501 is a bower of luxury, full of futon, large living space, and christmas lights hooked into a clapper. It was really sad to look at 612, all empty and sterile-looking, and lock the door for the last time. I picked it in room draw and fell in love with it, so I guess it'll always feel like home. Still, Vanna has been wonderfully sweet and I feel like the end of the year will be better.

ANYWAY! :) Jimmy went home today after spending the week with me at home and at Grant's. Sometimes I'm afraid that I forget how good we are together! Jimmy is my other half and it's easy to look over how natural that feels until woop he's driving away and suddenly I think "wow, I'm never gonna meet another guy like that in a million years." I suppose it's good for life to feel normal as long as you can remember the wonderfully little things. Mmm... like manically doing one's hair in the mirror.

Happy travels everyone.

Now that I know so many of you keep up with the happenings at Mansfield Park, I'm sure you'll wonder where my entries went. I decided to take them out because they were being misunderstood and I want to avoid judgment for recording what I'm think here. So, other than some news briefs, I am going to keep the blog pretty fluffy for the next several entries.

News:

-I am moving out of my room to hopefully another place in Larson. It gets sticky because I can't leave the dorm if I want to keep my desk job, so I am going to explore vacancies on the 2nd, 5th, and 9th floors.
-With any luck, this will be an empowering and sanity-saving decision for everyone concerned.
-If you're on campus for Friday night and want to help me move (yee-haw), please drop me an email at andersol@stolaf.edu.

What else! Hmmm... lots of decisions for everyone come out this week, so good luck RA/JC/summer job/study abroad hopefuls -- I'll be wishing you luck!

4 days until the end of classes... we can do it!

omg... look at this message I got while trying to change my password: Please avoid two-word combinations like "chas" and "kategorische". needless to say, they were onto my efforts to "kategorische". damn them.

-omitted-

Tonight is the night of the environmental studies discussion reunion with Beth and Brittany at 5:30 for dinner! YUM! And of course, tomorrow is Jimmy's birthday, so I have lots of fun stuff to get ready for him. :) Talk to you all later and have a great night!

-omitted-

Hey guys... I'm realizing my quaint little blog has a larger readership than I had previously thought. I'd like to clarify a few things:

-this is a journal for me to talk about my life, the world as I perceive it, and a place to vent.
-it is not meant to put anyone else down or to make pointed comments intended to hurt, frustrate, or anger anyone
-things written here are recorded as I observe them and view them and I realize it won't be 100% impartial because nothing really ever can be
-the link in my profile (which I will be deleting tonight) says "read at your own risk" -- I realize that things that go on in the world and in everyone's lives are often controversial and mine is no different, so please do not hold me accountable for recording what happens to me and how I feel about
-if you have a problem with what you read here, I suggest writing me an email or coming to talk to me -- it would probably make you feel better in the long run
-and speaking of talks, I'm all for honesty, but I think that true honesty incorporates a considerable amount of compassion, politeness and some tact

Phew, I think I'm done for the moment. This has been the worst few days I've had yet in college and that includes being very depressed for most of last year. A little understanding would be greatly appreciated and it's no less than I would do for any of you.

-omitted-

So, I've been reading my ecology book faithfully all semester. We're about a third of the way through it already. Not bad. The last chapter (we started 2/3 into it) is about conservation and pressing ecological problems. Now after hundreds of pages of random studies done by scientists who were obviously bored and had money to blow or just weren't feeling creative, we're getting somewhere! This is exactly the stuff that gets me going: cleaning up watersheds, moving species north as the climate changes rapidly, looking at land transformations. Maybe I just get sadistic pleasure out of natural disasters? But more I think that helping out the planet and her species is more noble than studying a random species interaction for the rest of your life. I want to pursue this all, but I'm not sure what to call it or what I can do with it. Is this conservation biology? Is it just environmental science? Who knows, but all I can say is, count me in.

One week has passed since last I wrote here. Not much is new.

Hm. I've realized that my weekends have become sadly nonexistent. Friday afternoon comes with all its promise, but alas a restful, or even on-campus, weekend is not to be had. This weekend is already completely full with another kb reading and now apparently a performance on Sunday in the cities for the Musica Nova fest. And that's about all that will fit! Hmmm... how can this be? I'm not even coveting time to myself to laze about... no, I just want a fighting chance to get my studying done. Good grief.

I haven't blogged all week. Well, let's see... I guess I spent a lot of my time sick this week. I think I've finally battled it off, so that's a relief. I always feel guilty when I'm sick. I seem to fall ill more often than everyone else and for often very different reasons, so I start to second guess whether I am really sick enough to take time out to get better. I might feel horrible, but I feel like I must be fabricating it since everyone else is healthy most of the time. I think I should stop comparing myself to everyone else... I'm me, I might be a weakling, but I manage.

On a better and unrelated note, tomorrow is the Chaska Invite! As a returning alumna, I have several important tasks: 1) look gorgeous, 2) have an aura of intelligence, 3) seem mature, educated, composed, 4) oh yeah, and read questions. ;) I plan to do all these and then some. Some of you might think I'm just being weird, but honestly, the home invite is the time to show off what you've been doing with yourself and impress those you haven't seen. I can't wait to be back in the kb world, though... how I have missed it.

OOH! Today, there were giant monstro snowflakes! Big floppy ones that kept pouring from the sky! It was lovely. Well, that's all I can think of to update ya'll! Have a good weekend.

Lovely blog, here to happily listen to all my thoughts and ponderings, never complaining (even when I do). It's been a long weekend. Aren't they supposed to leave you with some tiny bit of repose? Although, when I think of all the stuff I accomplished (to use my Dad's pet word), I am damn proud, even if it hurts to move my head. This weekend I successfully: made a lovely valentine for Jimmy, read the majority of my ecology text, did my chemistry asst, completed my extravagently long French asst, ignored Great Con, ignored the need to practice, ignored my coming applications -- well, not quite, I did go to an RA/JC meeting and am thoroughly confused as to which I'd like to be next year --, ignored my sleep deficit, was wonderfully surprised by my boyfriend for Valentine's day, consumed: European chocolates, camembert cheese, Italian wine, stopped to smell the roses... all twelve of them, was at two concerts -- one of the the ST. OLAF BAND HOME CONCERT, BABY!, cried a tiny bit when I realized Mexico is finally done, played with my crabs, messied my room, ate one meal in the caf per day (and that's how I likes it), slept in some, saw friends from home (the Northfield residents at any rate), got a back massage WITH oils, helped someone else with their homework, and showered. Yeah. That's damn good! Next weekend is kb reading which means more monetary funds and my car. YAY! My Antonia, where have you been all my life? That's right, in the driveway.

Yahoo... Happy Valentine's Day? It's time to go to band in a little over an hour. Nothing is making me feel better today, not naps, not studying, not dressing nicely, not the prospect of doing something after the concert. What is wrong with me? Ugh. Oh well. I ought to not think about it and just chill. The problem is, I want to chill alone and it's the day of romance. Hm. Grant, you should get home ASAP!

Hmmmmm.... It's February, time of love and romance. While I am dating probably the most thoughtful and loving mortal yet to grace this planet, I'm just not feeling the love vibes. Maybe it's the snow, maybe it's the evil ice that seems to be all over on the sidewalks outside Larson that makes people nearly fall SMACK on their asses, or perhaps the start of a new term and a daunting course load? It could be any or all of these, but I think it's time I grew up. There's a beautiful, if slightly bedraggled, rose on my desk in an equally lovely Mexican vase. There's a card full of the mushiest things imaginable in my backpack. Really, everywhere I look, there are tokens of Earth's approval toward romance, like the way snow settles softly on pavement and trees. So maybe there's hope I'll be able to conjure up some of the Valentine's Day spirit yet.

Oh! Shoot! forgot to take my many, many dietary supplements! OOPS!

Well, I've waited good and long until my mood improved before posting another such horrid blog entry. I think I must be depressing the rest of the world along with me. No matter. There's nothing that can keep me down right now because St. Olaf is filling up with students again. Empty sidewalks, commons, dorms no more: people are moving back in and it's lovely -- people who haven't seen each other in far too long. Everyone has travelled or done something extraordinarily fun and it's great to hear about each and get hugs, hugs and more hugs. I remembered to pick up my chemistry books, though ecology will have to wait until tomorrow because the post office is closed. That's ok, better to have too few books in one's backpack than too many. I'm looking around my room and thinking "ah! what a mess!" I think it might be time to put in a good CD and kick back with some reorganizing. Indeed. Tonight will be dinner, trucking and then some work in the storage room. Nice to get back to all these. I'm looking out the window and realizing how lucky I am to be here! Snowy and cold (don't I know after walking into town last night with Jimmy) though very beautiful, but here I am typing away in my nice, toasty sauna. Mmm hmmm. Good for the crabbers, who are in a lovely new aquarium with many new shells, rocks, sponges, and bits of food. It's like a crabby palace, really. Old plastic fishtanks are good for such things. I think I am going to scrounge up some food and get creative with my desk. Come visit if you're on campus!

Wahoo. Not. Silly me. Today has been yuck, yuck, yuck. I feel I've wasted another perfectly good day. Well, not entirely wasted... I took 8 of my 15 dietary supplements, what joy is mine. I know that I ought to feel happy and thankful to be at home, but the only things running through my mind are completely negative. I feel sick and really out of it, but what's worse is the depressiveness that always seems to set in when I'm home. It's so confusing! I'm not here all that often, so I ought to be happy or at least a little pleased to spend some time in the family homestead. Instead, I feel like a deflated balloon left in a dark corner. Every good and happy thought has long since left me and though it's finally sunny today, I feel like a worthless wreck of a person. I can't seem to keep my mind in the present; it keeps sliding back and forth from the past to the future in a dizzying blur and I can't make sense of anything. I try to remember that I have everything going for me and I'm sure this is true. However, I can't keep my mind on any of that. Instead it's replaced with thoughts of doubt and darkness. It's very sad. I think I need to get back to school and Jimmy sooner than expected, perhaps Thursday. I certainly can't keep going like this. Nothing is making me happy... not reading, not cleaning, not going through the things I picked up in Mexico, not even going through pictures. I feel unworthy of all the good things that have happened to me and like they're just some lovely dream I invented, so I shouldn't continue to look at them because I'm just teasing myself that they were ever real. I need to try to break myself out of this. Maybe I should call Jimmy a little earlier tonight... that might be my last hope. I'm going to go and sit in a chair now because typing is too tiring. How sad. I hope everyone else is doing better.

So I went to a "holistic chiropractor" today and it was definitely unlike any other doctor's appointment I've ever had. First of all, he tested the strength of my arms and legs pushing in various directions to see if there were any abnormally weak spots and what organs/parts of the body they might correspond to. Then he told me the reason I'm so weak is because I have parasites. PARASITES! Well, some of the caf food does sit out for a while and there are quite a few questionable things in our kitchen... So he would do these strength tests again to figure out "what my body wanted". When my arm suddenly got weak, that meant I "needed" some dietary supplement. However, they were things like calcium and magnesium and other homeopathic remedies. I kept asking how "now honestly, how can you expect my body to know what it wants????" and he just said "we don't know how this works, only that it does." It's really crazy, but at this point I am ready to try this. It's almost like an acupuncture approach to using the nervous system as connections to the rest of the body. But I'm still a bit skeptical. Now I'm taking more supplements and things than like an entire floor of a retirement home. It's really obnoxious and I have to keep it up and they taste horrible every time. Ugh. And now I'm feeling all dizzy and yucky and I ran into a wall upstairs in my house and spilled hot chocolate on our rug. I feel disgusting and stupid and uncoordinated and I'm snapping more than I should at my family, but they keep nagging me and that's really not what I need right now!!! AHHHHH! Stupid fish oils. Taste like fish every time I burp. That's really gross. :(

Mmmmmhmmmm... it's good to be home. But let me say, that was a damn fine tour. If the spark of humanity in me was starting to die out from stress and the hectic college pace, it has been amply rekindled. Mexico was, simply put, amazing. I travelled everywhere from Mexico City and Acapulco to tiny villages in the mountains that still spoke Nahuatl and all those lovely, guard rail-less winding mountain roads in between. I touched people in non-verbal ways that only music can. I swam in the ocean. I got tan and had my hair braided. I drank tequila. I bonded with my tour roommates and saw more boobs and vomit (from heat stroke and motion sickness, DUH!) than ever before in my life. I missed my boyfriend, my family and friends. I listened to track number four in the ROTK soundtrack while driving in high mountain passes and looking below the road to see a thousand feet of deep valley, tiny waterfalls, and mist everywhere. It was unbelieveable. I EVEN LEARNED SOME SPANISH! Sadly, I think I understand conversational Spanish as well as French just from hearing for so many weeks everywhere around me. My instrument got stuck at the border with the rest of the truck. I shared a local bass clarinet that tasted like old fish with Anna for the first concert. I went dancing! I stayed in Cortes' personal hacienda! I drank more tequila and margaritas. And some bacardi. Mmmm. I jumped on beds. I looked out over the Pacific, up to Minnesota and especially over to Italy. I played in some of the finest concert halls and the coldest large gym-like garages Mexico has to offer, BY GOD! And it was by God! All of it! Meeting people with less to their family's name than I have in my dorm room alone, yet they were as happy as I could hope Jimmy and I will be in our lifetime. Seeing couples hugging and kissing in the streets (sometimes more!) as well as mothers and children, older married husbands and wives, and wondering why we're so wary of affection in the US. I definitely going all out when I'm back on campus, so Jimmy boy, just you look out! :) I wore skirts and laughed and operated on Mexican time. I stayed with a Mexican family for a couple days. I ate all the pecante Mexico has to offer!!! Mwa hahaha... it was glorious! And then I flew home. And last night I got to see Jimmy! Just for a couple of hours, mind you, but it was wonderful. Beyond words. It was weird too, the things I noticed about him as we talked in the Borders books cafe, things like how his hair curls perfectly on his forehead, how dark his eyes are, and isn't his skin smooth and my hands feel perfect inside his, how his hand feels on my back. All these little nuances of being alive, things I hadn't let myself miss for fear that I would spend more time moping than drinking in Mexico, came rushing back to me and it was glorious!!! :) Our moms spent that time talking too, which was good... mwa hahaha. And so, I'm home relaxing and reading the end of "Caramelo" so I can write a paper on it and finish my Mexican adventure. :)

:) MEXICO EVE! I won't be blogging for a while because it's off to Mexico for me with the one and only St. Olaf Band to bring instruments and joy to Mexican people. I'm nervous about a few things, one of them being my lack of Spanish skill, but I'm sure this will be a completely wonderful and life-changing time. I'll update ya'll when I'm home again!

LA LA LA! Our pretour concert went really well! And the best part was that my family came! Mom, Dad, Noah, my Auntie Diane and my little cousin Chloe!!! It was sooo exciting to have that much support in the crowd. I was so thankful to be making music for them, just for being able to before heading south. And speaking of that, we're so close to the tour that I can even taste it! My suitcase is packing and I have only two more days of class! I made it! Well, am making it! This is going to be a life-changing experience, I just know it. :) Time to email my boy and then head to bed.

The week has finished! :) I've treated myself to a pretty stress-free weekend to make up for perhaps a slightly more daunting schedule over the last few days. "Under the Tuscan Sun" is a great movie about life in general. I think I'm going to have to watch that one with Jimmy as soon as it comes out on video. Tomorrow is the pre-tour concert, so I better get myself to sleep. Goodnight!

Ugh! Life is so miserable right now! Last night I caught something... a cold? The beginnings of the flu? I don't know. But it's continued through today. I missed rehearsals and morning class. But that's ok -- we've been told pretty clearly that we need to take time out to get healthy before the trip should we fall ill now. So that's not a problem. I guess it's the class that's frustrating me at the moment. It's mostly that the course work seems undoable. I know that it was encouraged to do readings while at home -- hundreds and hundreds of pages, mind you -- but if you had ordered your books like me and they hadn't come, you were SOL. And now, the amount of work assigned is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to complete each night. The only people who are up to date are those who read most of it over break. I'm sad. :( I know nothing about Mexico or Mexicans anyway, aside from environmental issues and believe me, they've got bigger things to worry about. We have an exam tomorrow and I'm freaking out. I feel like I know nothing. It's 30 points and 30% of our grade. Each question is a percentage point off of your final grade! AHHH! What am I going to do!? Other than FAIL!? I don't want to switch to pass/fail because I need the GE, but what choice do I have if I cannot learn all of Mexican culture by tomorrow afternoon!?

This is all making me hysterical. I think I better stop. I wish Jimmy was here. He would definitely not let me keep worrying manically. But I can't think about that either! No use getting worked up. I'll just miss him more.

Damn computer -- has lost like three of my attempted bloggings in the last week, so here's a short recap of all the things I've been trying to say:

-New Years was wonderful. Jimmy came down and visited for a couple days. We went to the dinner theatre, saw a show and danced. Then we went back to my house and drank champagne with my parents and I got giggly. Haha. He ended up staying an extra night because there was fog when he tried to leave. I also got my Christmas presents from him -- a beautiful teddy bear made of like 20 carefully cut out pieces of wood that interlock and are sanded and stained. It's totally unbelievable how well its made! And then, I got a big, squishy teddy bear to match. He does spoil me!
-Truth be told, every single moment I spent with Jimmy over break was wonderful. He's an extraordinary guy and he's perfect! And, we're perfect for each other. This is all terribly exciting for me!!! I think he's like the guy. If everyone has a person out there that there supposed to meet, with whom they "click" more than anyone they've met so far, then methinks I've met him!
-Campus life before leaving for the great Mexican tour is absolutely exhausting!! We get up in the morning to be in class at 8:30. At 10:30 we rehearse. 12 is for lunch. 1:30 it's back to class. 3:30 is more rehearsing until dinner at about 5:15ish. And by then, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep. Our profs assigned us a ton of reading for such a daunting schedule. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be doable and we have a test approaching on Thursday. Methinks it's time for some major bandie bonding study sessions. ALLITERATIONS GALORE! :)
-I miss Jimmy!!! He's off galavanting around Europe with the Grand Tour (for great con). Certain persons who shall remain nameless would certainly have loved to go on said con tour but they were already engaged in Mexican fiestas. He was delayed a day in leaving because of the weather in Chicago, but hopefully now he's in the air, perhaps close to Amsterdam?? OMG... I can't believe he's so far away! It seems surreal now to think of him being that far away from me and it's only going to get farther. Meg is staying over in their room to visit Jacob. I don't want to go in their room while Jimmy is gone if I don't have to. How odd is that! It would just not be good. I'm sure he's having a great time and hopefully they'll find his luggage at some point! My poor boy... not having his luggage while staying over night in the cities. I miss you, punk! Oh well... Jan will be long, but it'll be good for the both of us.

I better go read some more! Talk to ya'll later!

Here's a deep thought I had while visiting Jimmy:

"You know you're in tractor country when Santa's sleigh is pulled by a John Deere."


'Night everyone!

Hey, me again, but feely slightly more stable. :) Well... my mom talked to me. She felt pretty bad about telling me to start being nicer to my family over the phone when I called home to see if I should come home Sunday or Monday. It seemed really odd that she'd say that... I found out it was because my Dad had been hounding her to pass that on. Typical. My poor mother... she felt really bad about it for the rest of the afternoon. So did I. But it was at least good to know that it wasn't some well of familial venegeance starting to spring forth. My Dad is just like that, I can take things from him, but not my mom.

Then I thought about the whole weekend... being with Jimmy and how there were so many just AMAZING things that happened. And I connected much more with all his family members, not just him. And... wow. I can't believe it. So I think I ought to let go of the end and stop feeling like I ruined that. It's ridiculous. Ok, I'm going to do something relaxing that I haven't done in years.... take a bath, complete with bubbles, candles and music. Damn right.

Well... long time, no post, especially for a break. I've been in Askov visiting the Jimmy since Saturday. It was a good visit, barring a small episode Sat from his brother, needing to stay a second night because of the snow and inconveniencing my family, and the ending. In fact, it was a great time. I don't know what I am so down about. Jimmy said that he "didn't want having a girlfriend to get in the way of his family" and though it sounded bad when he said it, I knew he meant it in a cautionary way. However... I was already feeling quite bad for reasons along those lines and it just made me plummet. I feel like I am taking him away from his family. They already have lost a father, and his brother Jeremy isn't perhaps the most family-oriented son. Jimmy's gone at school now and then I seem to take up a lot of his time on breaks. They all love him, and then I compare that to my own home, where I am an annoyance, an inconvenience, someone who everyone is happy to see when she first walks in the door and then that soon wears off and I am left upstairs alone in my room with nothing but dark thoughts as companions.

And Jimmy can't fully understand this... and I'm not sure I want him to. This afternoon, I walked in, my dad said nothing, so I went upstairs. Noah brought me some food (sooo sweet of him) and we took two of the cats under the covers on my mom's bed and watched TV. But then my dad got mad at that and made him go downstairs away from me. Just like he used to. Because, honestly, I am a poison... enticing at first and then I just suck everything that was once good away. My dad came up and took Noah's new gamecube FOR NO REASON! He honestly takes delight from taking gifts away or threatening to. And it keeps snowing and snowing, and I wish I could be happy, but I cannot.

Last night, after company had left Jimmy's house, we sat talking and I started to feel all this weighing down on me. I didn't know how to put it into words, so I just sat with him, watching Futurama and trying not to feel too dizzy or ill. Jimmy never would have said it to me, but I could tell I was bringing him down and that he was out of ideas. When we said goodbye this morning, I was upset because I was leaving much later than my parents had told me I could. It was snowy and the drive was going to be hard. And it seemed like he just wanted me gone. What a terrible feeling! I mean, he hugged me and kissed me, but it wasn't in his usual way, where I can tell that he loves me with every movement. Maybe we were both just tired. But now, I'm all alone as usual and it's eating at me how we parted. I even called back like the dork I am just to hear his voice and hope that it would somehow make things better. I don't know if it did.

I wish I was anyone else right now, someone who lived in a happy family or in a neater house or didn't feel so sorry and guilty about things she shouldn't worry about. I am tired of being me. I only make everyone else sad. I try to tell myself that someday things will be different. I could be happy, really happy. I could live with Jimmy in a beautiful house with porches and gardens and cats and trees. But then I can't help but think, who am I kidding!? He's going to look at me one day and realize that I've been nothing but trouble and that will be it and I will be cold and alone until I die. Ugh... what a sad day.

Another Christmas passed...

Here are the things I am and ought to be thankful for:

A [relatively] warm house
Good food to eat
Finally being healthy!
Jimmy
very thoughtful Christmas gifts
my parents liked the ones I gave them
My father and I tolerated one another for an entire day without conflict, which means no one's Christmas was ruined
I get to see Jimmy in under two days
I also got two lovely emails from him this morning!
Hot chocolate is warm and soothing
The vanilla buttercream room spray is also very, very calming and it fell back into my hands after last night's White Elephant gift exchange...
My extended family members are all wonderful and I am extrememly grateful to have them.
The Return of the King soundtrack is delicious...
Petunia the cat has finally forgiven me for leaving her
I will go back to school soon
I will survive without Jimmy, rather I can be all the more excited when Feb comes
Mexico is nearly here!!!!
When I grow up (whenever that may be, lol), my home will be: a) relatively tidy (liveable), b) light and bright, c) sans football and most other televised sports, d) full of love, not anger or frustration or sadness or resignation
I get to go to college
I have wonderful friends there
I will see them all soon

I think that's all the cheerfulness I can muster right now. Merry Christmas, everyone

A good ending! Well, I talked with my mom and ended up sobbing on her shoulder. My dad didn't really care much, he just yelled for us to come downstairs. I waited until my eyes were fairly normal looking before going. My aunt and uncle and cousin came over and it ended up being a perfect solution to day long crises. We talked and had fun and played a game and I didn't have to be around my Dad at all. So, after all, it ended up being quite a good Christmas Eve. Odd how that works, but I am so glad the holiday wasn't ruined. I might delete some of the not-so-happy blog entries. It's Christmas after all. I suppose it's a time to forget the bad things and focus on whatever good one can find. Ooh -- we did our white elephant gift exchange and Jimmy, my dad got my gifts! I think that means I get to keep the buttercream vanilla room spray. Ahhhh... so yummy. And tomorrow is Christmas! Perhaps I'll try to get in touch with what that actually means after the fiasco today. And I will think of my wonderful boyfriend and feel thankful for love.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Things went from bad to worse...

I waited upstairs until I thought I had cooled down a bit. I took a shower, got dressed, and ate something. I overheard my Dad talking about me to Noah, which I'm certain was nothing complementary or even remotely positive. So... I went downstairs to see what was up. My dad was mopping the entry way floor (something that happens maybe once every year, maybe). Since the whole floor was wet, I sat on the stairs staring off into space and thinking "well, this is awkward" until my dad interrupted my reverie by asking me to go back upstairs if I was going to be unpleasant. I was just sitting there! But of course, to even mention anything that might disagree with what Dad thinks is to ruin his day. So obviously, I ruined him birthday, most of break, and today. That feels super. Anyway, so I was trying to point out that I came downstairs this morning with only the best of intentions, to do lots of chores, to get along, and to try and enjoy the company of my family. And asking to turn the TV to another channel (see first blog post) and saying that I really hated listening to football all the time = ruination. Things escalated quickly and I got called a hateful child, among other things. I said that I wish he could be visited by three spirits in the night, perhaps that would change his opinions and attitudes toward his family (not a calming statement, but certainly not as vicious)... I ran upstairs to grab my purse and I could hearing arguing from downstairs. I grabbed my keys and my coat and made for the door. My mom came after me, going in about how I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder. Whatever! I tried, I did. I asked what time company was coming and she said something along the lines of "you actually CARE they're coming?" She yelled at me to go drive to Jimmy's or something. I was crying at this point and I started for the car (which someone had moved to the farthest away spot in the driveway). My Dad came out, suddenly in his acting element, saying things like "I love you, Lauren" but in a terrible and forced voice. I gave him the finger. I couldn't help it! When I kept going toward the car, his new coaxing persona melted. But I was gone... no gloves, no hat, nothing. I drove as quickly away, going to the Christmas house, to Excelsior, around Chanhassen, walking through Target (I pretended that I was in Northfield, that Megan was looking at sweaters, at lingerie and that soon she'd come get me and we'd go back home and there would be Jimmy waiting for me. Then we'd get Grant and everything would be wonderful, and warm, and no one would be yelling at me, or thinking that I permanently was unpleasant and irritating and that I was trying to ruin their Christmas. I wandered out and drove home. I walked in and no one looked up. My mom pointedly told me that if I wanted to be helpful [finally] I could set the table... so I did, slowly fingering the silverware my grandmother left me before she died. What a terrible Christmas. And now, everyone's coming in 30 mins, but there won't be that many of them, so they'll certainly know something happened and I don't know what to do. And now someone just unplugged the phone line I was using. Charming. Simply charming. I don't know what to do.

Welllllll.... Today is Christmas Eve. I know I should try to pretend I'm having fun at home and being happy. So here's the good stuff first. Those of you in the Christmas mood need not read the end.

Yesterday, Jimmy came down to spend the day with me. And it was by far the best day I've had all break or, for that matter, in a looong, long time. He got here at about 11am after a few car troubles before setting out. We went to Southdale Mall and just wandered, then we ate sushi at a place in EP. I dragged him into Pier One and my goodness we had a lovely time winding our way through that store. :) Everything that had been wrong or sad over the break seemed never to have existed. We went back to my house and baked and decorated cookies -- a good deal of flour ended up on shirts, faces, and in hair. (And, by God, my parents let him into our kitchen, which had been amply cleaned up from its usual state and smell...) Wendy stopped by quickly to meet him and to give me this nifty plate she had made in high school ceramics that said, what else, FLAP on it. :) Then we ate dinner with my family. I watched Jimmy polish off an entire gigantic stuffed pork chop, lol. Then we went to see the newest edition to my British actor obsession, Love Actually, complete with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman. Goodness, that's like 3/4 of the Sense and Sensibility cast right there. It was quite sugary and romantic, but it was most sweet, especially to see on a night of being with the person you love most before Christmas. Then he and I passed through Barnes and Noble and back out to my car. We decided, though it was nearly 10 and he needed to leave, to stop by this magnificent house in Chanhassen that always puts up the most mind-boggling Christmas display. Dozens of diaramas with moving subjects, live reindeer, llamas, and lambs, hundred foot weeping willows, illuminated with lights, and a lighted carosel, nativity scene, and many more scenes... even a small gallery of lit lawn ornament penguins. I was in heaven, but then I always am to wander through this yard. People come from all over MN (and farther away, too) to see this home and Jimmy could certainly see why. But most importantly, even beyond penguins, it was so wonderful to be there with him. We drove back to my house, knowing it was time to go. After a cup full of hot coffee, cookies, treats for his family, and a lot of goodbyes from me, I watched him drive away. I stood on our doorstep and waved, but before he left, he opened the door to say bye and that he loved me... Jimmy I hope you heard me respond! :) What a perfect day! Someday perhaps we won't have to say goodbye for Christmas.

After gushing a bit to my mother, I went to sleep early. Just as I was falling asleep, I saw what it would be like to marry him... Grant and Megan were up there (she even had her hair up for me!!!) with us. Grant wasn't even wearing his glasses, lol. And Jimmy's family was there, and so was Amanda. I pictured my Dad dressed up and Santosy was up next to Grant, as was Jimmy's friend Scott. It was bizarre, but vivid. Anyway, one can't be accountable for what runs through her head just as she's falling alseep. Don't roll your eyes, Meg!

This morning, I lazed about for a bit watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" before going downstairs. Of course, my dad was watching football in the living room... ugh. Every day of break, so far, he's watched football and I've kept my mouth shut about how much I hate having it on. Not only that, but he's recorded it on multiple VCRs at a time throughout the house while watching it! So today, while I was hanging Christmas cards and decorations in the living room, I asked politely (with decorations and masking tape in hand) if we could watch something else, that we've watch football every day so far and I wasn't sure if he knew, but I hated the sound of it, and since it was Christmas Eve and we were both working in the living room, could we change the channel? My response was a change to the Food Network and an obnoxious cooking show (an improvement at least), and a biting"why don't you find some productive to do!" I mean, my God, not only had I mentioned that I was working on something, I had tape and card in hand as I was hanging them up. Talk about killing an already weak Christmas spirit. I started to get upset, saying "I JUST said I'm working on something in here, I'm holding tape and a card to hang up!!! Don't tell me to start working on something like I'm not already helping!" Of course then, both my mom and dad started in at this last statement saying "you're being unpleasant! It's Christmas Eve, for God's sake!!!" But how could ANYONE ANYWHERE honestly expect to just smile and nod at being told they're lazy in that damn manner, especially by someone who spends the better part of their life lying on the couch and disallowing anyone else to spend time in the only living area in the house!!!! I tried. I had been trying. I had been trying to ignore the slightly rotten food, the bickering pervading every part of the house, the grime, the dirt in the bathroom, the lack of any space to just relax in, other than my tiny bedroom, in which anyone would go crazy after spending day after day in it, the unpleasant father for whom I have both mingled dislike and deep sadness, my beautiful car which used to be clean and odor-free (except for Meg that one time... though it was well-cleaned afterward) and has now become yet another storage receptacle for the things my dad drags out of the back of the grocery store with its now strange smell and the grime everywhere on the inside. Nothing is free of this! I've been trying to be happy, to be glad to be home at Christmastime, to look forward to presents, and seeing family, and hot chocolate, but I CANNOT!!! Not like this. So I went upstairs after my job was finished, locked my door, and having been sitting on my bed, trying not to cry at reading a sweet email from Jimmy, listening to Christmas carols, and writing a blog post. This is my outlet, and this is just about my breaking point. I don't know what to do from here. I know I'm being bad and not helping out to get ready for my aunt and uncle tonight, but I can't take this and I know all I'll do downstairs is end up ruining everyone else's Christmas, anyway. Best to just sit tight for a while, methinks.

This is an excerpt from Megan's philosophy paper, entitled "jesus and grilled cheese make it all better" for the crazy hat man's class that I would like to share with the world:

"...So how is Jesus like grilled cheese? If mankind is individual ingredients in isolation, then God is the entire sandwich and once the cheese begins to melt and stick to the bread it is no longer single pieces, but a sandwich. Then there is no escaping the sandwich-ness of the sandwich. It is no longer just bread, butter, and cheese, but a sandwich full and complete. The ingredients must either remain separate and incomplete or must form a delicious sandwich. There is no half way grilled cheese. The cheese is either melted or it is not. The bread is golden brown or it is not. The butter sizzles or it does not. Together the sandwich is formed, but alone stale bread, globby butter, and floppy cheese remain alone and disgusting. So Jesus is just like grilled cheese because he cannot be floppy cheese and melted cheese at once. If he is floppy cheese he gets fed to the dogs and if he is melted cheese I eat him. "

I haven't laughed this hard all day!

Tonight, Jimmy wrote me "i love you like the moon loves a clear night, like the autumn breeze loves an open meadow. i love you like crimson flowers love the morning dew." Could anything get better than this? Honestly? Beyond all good music, warm socks, hot chocolate, new-fallen snow, cheese, penguins, Honda Civics, environmental groups, lit Christmas trees, crackling fires, crystal clear lakes and streams, soggy berry cereal, sparkling apple cider, soft beds, and clear, starry nights, is this. I feel as if I was walking lost in the woods and suddenly stumbled upon Eden.

Today was a good day, finally.

I woke up, ate lovely berry cereal from Jimmy and helped my Dad out to plan some of his Christmas shopping. I felt all cool and included! :) Then John called me to ask if i wanted to help him with some major wardrobe shopping. WOULD I!? Mwa hahaha. That was quite fun! AND GUESS WHAT!? I BOUGHT T STRAPS! After months of chasing after the illusive 1920's style shoes, I found and purchased a pair. Merry Christmas, Lauren! Then, I came home and dined on a tasty meal of well-spiced ramen, cheese and crackers, and applesauce. Which was lovely, btw. And what else? I made a batch of cookie dough for the baking and decorating. Then I went to Target, met Amanda, and we spent a good evening talking over appetizers at Applebee's. Now I get to talk to my boy... how perfect. :) Life is good!

Ok... so finals gave me purpose, how sad is that? Suddenly, there was a goal (to not fail) and life became decidedly better. Oh, and talking with Grant helped. It always does.

What else? Christmas season for me was in full swing. I had my boy, I had my tree, and that was as good as it gets. And we saw ROTK! AND IT WAS AWESOME! OMG!!! Ahh! I think the best part was that I got to see it with Jimmy... But then it was time to leave for the break! And now I'm just counting the days until I can see him again...

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately... Sometimes I feel happy but then it sort of flutters away and I'm left feeling blah again. It's like a giant flat field of mediocrity that goes as far as I can see and I almost forget that there are other states out there. I don't mind being alone, in fact it's sometimes a great comfort to just be by yourself. I dunno... Sometimes I feel like I want to lock myself up and watch Jane Austen movies and munch on small foods and drink hot chocolate all day long. And then other times I feel guilty after even an hour of this because I should always be doing something "productive" as my father often told me when I was younger. Do little things in your past suddenly snowball like that? Other times still, I want to be a butterfly and flit from Target into town and walk about and be around people and just soak it in and not have to think. It's the thinking that gets me. Unfortunately, college brings out a lot of that. The meteors last night were clouded over. :( Maybe tonight, though the sky is grey, grey, grey... Maybe that's the problem. The sky is grey, the ground is white, the buildings are cream, the roads are greyish too. Everything is one pale shade or another. I can't remember feeling at all bad when the trees were changing and the color was all around me. Perhaps I'm like an iguana and I need a giant lamp over me to be healthy. Next Target run... kidding! Kidding. But seriously, I might go to Radioshack or someplace and look for a camera cable. I need it badly. Anyway -- I better conclude. We have a great con review session in 30 mins and I do not have any makeup on. Bye everyone.

Ahhhh... first final done. Chemistry, which has quite frequently been a bane of my existence. The times I've wanted to throw the book out the window to hear the satisfying sound of a packed three inche binder hitting the cement with a "wham" cannot be contained to the fingers on my hands. However, I'd like to think that I did it... this final didn't go badly at all. Disregarding the few questions where I was like "what!?" on the total nine pages of final-y goodness, I'd have to say that maybe I win at chemistry after all...

So anyway -- I know that I haven't blogged in a while, so I really must update the world on the goings on in my life:

Earlier this week (I think it was Tuesday), St. Olaf was transformed into a positive winter wonderland with several inches of snow. I was just about giddy when it snowed softly for a day straight. I don't think I've ever loved watching snow fall so much, or been so happy just to be on campus to appreciate it. It was a lovely Christmas gift before the harsh reality of approaching finals hit in.

And finals, oh finals... ah! I'm having some problems feeling motivated to study as much as I manically like to do before any large test. I think this is in part due to the gigantic mess my room has become since I obsessively cleaned it last Friday. There are bits of Christmas wrapping everywhere along with random pieces of clothing, shoes, about 20 scattered pages of chemistry study guides, gifts and tiny rocks that migrated in at some point unbeknownst to Erica and I. I think I'm going to do something about that in appromately 3 minutes and 30 seconds. But you'll never know because my blog doesn't record writing time, just time published and even that's in Pacific time (why, I do not know).

So last night, Meg and I went on an adventure to Aquatic Pets. I can hear my mom groaning because she can guess the reason. Cami the Monstrous Hermit Crab seemed unsociable and lonely and I guessed that what he needed was a friend. So I went on a Cami Christmas spree to peruse the crab selection in Northfield. They had a new shipment... with absolutely tiny crabs. Cami's can be a big lug sometimes, so I got two little babies to keep each other company. They don't have names yet other than Gimp and Crawly. They'll get better ones, soon. If you have any ideas, email me at andersol@stolaf.edu. I tried to show Cami his little pets, but he got scared and snapped back into his shell so quickly that the whole thing rolled over. What a goon! :) The little ones were afraid of him, no wonder, because if I saw Monstro the Whale coming at me, I'd run for it to. But now Gimp is curled up next to Cami. I hope Cami doesn't ever try to punt them around... that would not be good. No football in the crab cube. Soon it will be a Crab Condo... and then maybe a Crab Comfort Inn. Mmmhmmm, and then I can make them all little beds! This is a fun idea.

I think Sense and Sensibility on DVD is calling my name, as is the new carpet rock garden. Talk to you all soon!

Ah! Roommate crises -- not only did Jacob talk to Jimmy about sleeping in and such but the entire deal with coming back to my room on Sunday with Mom and Noah got fairly blown out of proportion. Instead of it being that the door was locked and I heard rummaging inside to get it open, the curtains were drawn, and Jeff's vest on the floor, it became my mom and I walking in on them doing whatever and me having no idea that Jeff was even coming... Yeah. I knew perfectly well he was going to visit. Ideally, since Erica knew my family was coming, she would have left the door unlocked, opened the curtains, and realized how the situation could have looked bad from the perspective of my fairly Catholic family. But oh well. There was nothing going on and though it looked like there wasn't a lot of respect for my mother and brother formally visiting me on a Sunday afternoon and I was very flustered when the door was opened, it got quite blown out of proportion and passed around the friends a good deal. If I was Erica, I would feel bad about someone else approaching me about something I had apparently done and wish that my roommate hadn't said a word to a single soul, but there it is. It's finished, so one must simply apologize for rumors, entreat the other to see how things easily look not so good when the lights are off and the door is locked, and hope for the best.

I think I need a holiday from school. I'm noticing that I don't really smile that much or laugh a lot just randomly. I always liked laughing a lot... where did it go? It makes me kinda sad! I dunno... So much stress and pressure here! I wish college could take about 2x longer so there would be half the amount of stuff to do. I keep thinking back over the stuff I've read and studied and regardless of what it is, the things I could complete at my own leisure were much more intellectually stimulating and satisfying. Hm. What does that say about education? I hate cramming things in like I do, but it seems to be the only way not to fail. Maybe I'll come up with a magical solution tonight...

How is it possible that this is the natural functioning of my reproductive system? I think it's faulty! Nothing that's meant to create life at some point should hurt this much now!

This is the first time I've had alone in a long, long time. I ought to be doing something worthwhile with it, but I'm just listening to the radio, occasionally dabbling in chemistry, and counseling Amanda through some romantic difficulties. Strangely, she and I are exact opposites. Whether I ought/want to or not, I always end up diving headfirst into any relationship because I think that one shouldn't do things halfway. Besides, then I know that it didn't work out for a legitimate, not because I was too afraid to get involved. I had always entertained the idea that at some point, things would magically work out. Amanda, however, got used to the idea of being alone for her life. She never got too involved, for fear of becoming dependant on something that may prove to be transient and suddenly leave her devastated. So, she dated people and always kept her distance, often at the expense of their feelings. But now, here is Derek who obviously is nuts about her and she's torn between acting as she always has and changing, letting herself get close to him.

It's like Sense and Sensibility. She's the sense and I'm the sensibility. Or is it opposite? Interesting to ponder.

Anyway... what shall I do with my freedom? Bathe Cami and OOH! listen to the goofy "wonderful christmas time" rendition by Paul McCartney. ;) wheee. I miss Santos and I singing this together. There's a lovely summer internship in NY that I'd chew off my own arm to be able to do. And doing some freshwater ecological research here on campus could be great, too. But they both mean that I wouldn't go home this summer. That's truly being on one's own. Am I ready for that? It's true that it's sometimes shocking to go home with the mess, but it's my home nonetheless. I just don't know.

Fortunately, Prof. M is letting me take my exam late b/c of the sickishness. I think Fri morning is the winner. Which means I ought to get my butt in gear and study. Bye for now.

MURPHY'S LAW WEEK!

Tuesday, tuesday...

Our ES class was covering the same thing we had before break for all those slackers who skipped class, so I gave in to my heavy, bowling ball-ish head and didn't go. Meh -- it's the class I've missed least all year and I had bigger fish to fry. Like my chem test, for instance. I'm definitely not feeling that lovely today... in fact, I'm feeling like a smashed can of beans. Yes. Exactly. But that's ok. I called Prof. Miessler (who already told me that I could rearrange tests if I was sick) to ask to take my exam on Thursday, I took ibu and echinacea and have touched makeup. I think I'll be ok with finals and all coming. I'm not reading knowledge bowl this weekend. I am not going to slack off. I will persevere and sleep a lot and hope for the best. Indeed -- now for a spot of jury music.

Oh my God in Heaven... I am in some serious musical trouble: right arm tendonitis flaring up at most in opportune moment. If I survive playing in studio class and for my jury, it will be because of divine intervention. What am I going to do? Ahhh! Everything that could possibly go wrong seems to be... chemistry exam, french quizie, sickness, last real week of classes? Where has time gone to? AHHH! Oh my goodness. This is not pretty!!!

Thanks for letting me rant, that's all for now. :(

THE DAY BEFORE THE HINCKLEY VISIT!!!!

I am a bit nervous! Well, rather nervous! Not anxious, but still getting into visit mode. I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong, but I always get nervous about big things. And, like any final, this is a big deal. Bottom line: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE JIMMY BOY! :)

I'm a dork, I know.

Thanksgiving was lovely this year... Spending time with family is always awesome. And food is yummy too. If only my profs hadn't assigned so much damn homework! What's up with that!?

AH! The emails I sent out about a lovely Chaska group get-together never actually got through! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH SQUIRREL MAIL!? I sent one days and days ago and the other last night and neither was received. Damnit! AOL is more reliable!? AH! Oh well... I am going to try to clean, change sheets, and read some more Hume.

Wow -- 'tis been a whole week since I last blogged. St. Olaf (as well as the greater Minnesotan area) are weekend-deep in snow. Lovely, beautiful, sparkling snow. When one has nowhere in particular to be, I can't think of anything better. I remember when I was little and it was snowing at night, I used to turn on the deck light and watch as illuminated flakes floated neatly down into a whole carpet of glittering white. It was glorious and by God it still is.

This is Megan's first blizzard (or rather, extended period of snow) and I think she's enjoying herself. She and Jane bought naughty magazines in town today (of which I was thankfully not part of -- those get to be expensive amusements!) The pictures in those are always frightening and often seem like they cannot be real. But I don't think it's healthy to ponder pornography that much...

I spent lots and lots of time with Jimmy this weekend, maybe to stock up before Thanksgiving? I don't know, but it reminds me that balance is essential. I definitely was lacking in the alone and friend time this weekend. I had plenty of study time, plenty of time with him, but without enough of the other two (which, quite frankly, were greatly reduced because of the Great Con paper due tomorrow) I didn't feel like it was the best of weekends. Oh well. Live and learn.

And speaking of G Con papers, I hope this one is turning out relatively well. Instead of focusing on Charlotte Lucas entirely, it morphed into being a discussion on the various courses of action a lady in Jane Austen's novels could take: to settle or not to settle, that is indeed the question at hand. I think I've written so many Jane Austen papers that I cannot gauge which is good and which isn't. So, I pray that this one will be good... Perhaps I'll get people to proof it tonight. Beg people, I mean. It's so funny -- when I write about Jane Austen, I can feel my own syntax meander toward hers, like I'm channeling the inner spirit of her novel and it's guiding me to use too many dependent clauses and commas.

And though it does mean bidding adieu to this lovely little journal, the paper, of which I have both mingled pride and fear, becons me to return to it in hopes of completing a satisfactory draft that I might bring to work with me tonight.

See what I mean? :)

I just had a nice long talk with Grant while I was working at the desk. I decided to ask him for the following for Christmas: can we please all take a trip together over Spring Break? Meg, of course, bring Charlie, Grant, Jimmy -- it doesn't sound like CA is over that break ANYWAY, Nic, Jacob, Erica and Jeff, anyone. I just want it to be together, and frugal, and hopefully to someplace west like montana or the grand canyon. So please, mark your calendars and love you all for doing so! I got all frazzled thinking that it prolly wouldn't happen, but the more I think of it, I realize that this is why it's a Christmas present, that way I don't grow grey hairs trying to organize it all. ;) Righto. I also talked with him about marriage, and hobo boxes, and Jimmy, and college, and kids-to-come (including the future names -- did you know he wants to call his son "Truman"?), Buddha nature and enlightenment, and who knows what else we covered. It was quite fun. No Candide read, but alas, there we are. :)

Anywho -- time to sleep! Come away with me, in the night. Goodnight ya'll!

Two months exactly. Jimmy and I have been dating for two months. Wow! It doesn't seem that long... rather it's just been one happy blur that I couldn't possibly separate into chunks of time. Miss you, Jimmy-boy and I hope your concerts have been fabulous.

Meanwhile, it's been another drizzly, dreary day on the hill. I swear, I need to stop going to Target. I keep thinking of things I "need" and by need, I mean things that I want. Like little plastic food storage containers. Or a teapot. Or some good breakfasty type foods to take to classes. Or a shirt I've had my eye on. Or oatmeal. Or salsa. I had asked my family to bring some food from home and they literally brought me five boxes of various crackers from salsa-flavored cheese nips to triscuits. While crackers are lovely and tasty, I had meant more varied types of foods. SO, I bought some myself and of course this involves spending money. It's an evil trick. You innocently think, I am a human; humans need food; I need for food; food requires money; it is a worthwhile expenditure; I have jobs; I can pay for food. And you're tricked into spending $20 on foods that will probably last you for months, however, that's not the point. I need to avoid Target in a bad way. :)

On a better note, Grant, Meg and I will make cupcakes and eat them tonight while watching Harry Potter. Mmmhmmm... and then I will do more homework. Candide is quite excellent! Anywho... nearly time for dinner. Talk to you all soon.

IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!

The malt-o-meal smell in Northfield was heavenly today... ahhhh! Thank goodness for toasty o's on an otherwise dreary Friday in Minnesota. Jimmy left today on band tour and so far, it's been healthy for me to have time to wander and ponder by myself. I was walking today and tonight and thinking "Can it really get any better than this? I have health, happiness, and every opportunity ahead of me. Not only that, but I have good friends and the most wonderful boyfriend ever. I am myself. I am alive. It's glorious!"

I bought a lovely pine candle at Target today for a few dollars. It's an Italian tradition to burn it completely before the New Year to ensure good luck and prosperity. It smells heavenly and reminds me of every good thing. What else? Erica and I watched the end of "Pride and Prejudice" -- what an excellent movie and excellent company to go with. Now if only I could convince Jimmy to watch it all the way through... haha, like he needs it! He was already delved in this week. Mwa hahaha. I hope he's having a great time. :)

I just painted my fingernails and they're taking forever to dry. Honestly -- what's the deal? Maybe sparkly nail polish decays as it ages and mine is too old to harden. Actually, not a bad theory.

The cheese-tasting at the French House tonight was heavenly! SO MUCH CHEESE! I was beside myself. Erica, Billiam and I went down together. Some of the samples were too strong even for my taste -- they were like mold! They tasted horrid. But, other than the absolute extremes, the rest was delish. Mmmm... I even brought back a considerable amount for Jimmy. I am a nice girlfriend. Or try to be. ;)

GAH! This polish is still wet! It's been like a half hour... I also went to the jazz band Swing Dance tonight, as promised. I didn't feel like dancing, but the music was wonderful. I hung with Jennifer and Meg and then ended up chatting with Tessa for a bit. Very fun. Jimmy's band played Moonlight Serenade, one of my very favorites. I hope he's listening to the CD I burned him.

MY GOODNESS! I must mention Jimmy every other sentence. Especially today. I'm so content with everything. It's like the beginning of the year again. I should take sanity evenings more often. It's a wonder I have friends willing to listen to me. Esp. you, Meg. I know I babbled on for a goodly amount of time tonight. I'm sorry!
We'll get orgasm cider tomorrow night to make up for it. ;)

Nails starting to dry. I wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend. Ahah -- sent out email requesting sub for sunday afternoon. That's right, no five hour days for me! :) I think I am going to start Candide tonight and then wake up tomorrow and work on my paper! Yeah, that's the plan. Along with going to lunch. Mmmhmmm... I can keep working on my Rice Krispie addiction.

Have a wonderful night everyone. I'm thankful that I am alive, that I can smell wonderful things like scented candles, that I have Jimmy, that I am able to attend this fine college, that my neighbors are having a good night (perhaps too good of a night judging by the moans we just heard), that cupcakes exist as do Harry Potter books, that I have a wonderful family so close to me and friends right here, for Jane Austen papers waiting to be written, and that God is smiling down on me.

Sweet dreams!

Hmm... another Thursday. This is usually one of my favorite times of the week because I think "aha! tomorrow is FRIDAY!" however, Friday means the Norseman Band is leaving for tour and that means certain people will be gone. Sigh. I'm being such a dork. It's just two and a half days. Right. Ok. I'm going to go do homework. Just as soon as I'm done moping.

Having who-can-hold-out-and-not-laugh contests with one boyfriend and using the sexual gestures usually reserved for friends (like licking one's finger and touching it to oneself with a tsssss) is highly amusing. Highly amusing.

AH! have reached new low: will skip chemistry lecture to study more for french. I am one sick bitch. I think exams should be abolished ... if knowledge is power, then can't we all just be brothers?

Mmmm... nearing the end of fatal 8am chemistry labs. Not to say that I'm nearing the end of 8ams all together -- quite the contrary, actually. Bio 261 screws you into MWF 8ams with only one possible lecture time. Gads, methinks. Anywho. I feel pretty toasted and have a large exam tomorrow, but life is good. It's been marvelous with Jimmy. I didn't imagine dating could be like this...

Sad grey day...

It's been so dark and dreary here... it's a bit disheartening when one thinks about a whole winter's worth of this.

My hormones are making me into a psycho bitch. Psychobitch. One word really, as I'm more of an entity of the two like this. AHHHH! Men have no idea whatsoever. I want more Rice Krispies.

Clarinet lesson today. Still haven't practiced perse, but oh well.

Chem test is daunting. Takes precedence over things like Gulliver's Travels, practicing, sleeping, eating, being nice to others. Haha, externalities. I am a sick bitch. One damn sick bitch.

SLUSH!

Yo ho ho... if it were a pirate's life for me, then I wouldn't have to go to chem lab. What a deep thought. Hello to everyone after a week's silence. Not much is new for me...

Lab is still the bane of my weekly existence. However, have only 3 more! Never taking an 8am lab again if I can help it.

In addition, am trying to figure out my registration stuff for next semester. I'm actually not too worried about getting into the sections I need, despite the uber-crappy registration time, because I figure that I can beg and plead my way into both bio and chem labs and that french won't close. Phew.

What else? I am feeling blue because a certain acquaintance keeps flirting with Jimmy at dinner and while I was able to just laugh it off for a few weeks, it's had been bothering me more. Last night was a breaking point of sorts. Thankfully, it's Tuesday and I won't have to face another post-Norseman dinner until tomorrow.

But, every stormy cloud does have a silver lining. Depsite me tweaking out a bit last night, Jimmy aka nice boyfriend was really understanding and supportive of how I was feeling. He just wanted me to feel comfortable again. What relief I felt after he told me this! And honestly, he's just blows me away sometimes, well, a lot of the time. NB (remember, "nice boyfriend") always looks out for me and get this, DOESN'T SEEM TO LOSE PATIENCE WITH ME! I have to be honest, if I were someone else, I would probably get frustrated with myself frequently. Maybe I'm partial, but even so. NB is never like that. I don't hesitate to tell him whatever is on my mind... I'm not afraid that it will push him away, or make me feel stupid, or upset him... OK, done gushing.

AND SPEAKING OF GUSHERS.... Megan, this one's got your name on it! The other night I got the most lovely ims from Meg who announced that Charlie had told her he loves her. :) YAY! I was soo happy that I promptly called her (even though it was late) for a girl-chat quickie. And I do mean quickie... mwa hahahaha, j/k.

Tonight is the midnight showing of the Matrix Revolutions. And we're seeing it. That's right, baby. At Lakeville. Suck it ya'll. Just kidding. But seriously, frickin' awesome.

I better go practice French dialoge for our second taped-in-a-studio oral presentation. Waaa... I get to be an old granny who went to St. Olaf in the 40's. Tee hee. :) And I get to poke Jimmy with an umbrella. I better practice walking with a bit of a hunch. Mmm... hunch. Like lunch.