I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you love that well that you're sick? I can't stop crying, but I've realized that a lot of people don't know what's going on with me and I ought to tell them. I feel like I've unintentionally hurt feelings by being sensitive about things like getting enough sleep, finding a place to sleep, being exhausted, or getting sick a lot. If you were one of them, I'm really, really sorry. Ever since having mono in high school, I noticed that I didn't have a good immune system and I never seemed to feel rested. It got a lot worse when I came to college, so that it is hard for me to sleep at night, much less get enough sleep, and be able to feel healthy and go to class. It was getting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. About a thousand visits and blood tests, we ruled out everything and I had enough symptoms to get the loose diagnosis of "chronic fatigue syndome." Basically, my body doesn't sleep the way other people's do. No matter how much sleep I get, I don't wake up feeling good or rested. If I get less than 8 or 9 a night (which is hard with 8am classes), I feel nauseous and dizzy sometimes to the point of not being able to sit or stand. I usually have a headache and just going through the motions of a normal day completely wipes me out. It's hard to get through college and work and activities like band and still do well, but I'm trying. I think I can lead a normal life as long as I'm careful, but I just want everyone to know what's going on. I know we all have problems that are difficult to deal with, but it feels good to get all this out finally. Anyway... it's time to sleep. :) Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really known what to write. It's been a really difficult week for me CFS-wise because of the tests, sleep hazards, and the eco lab in the rain. I wish I could just normally deal with homework and school and have a normal amount of feeling sick and being dizzy and exhausted, but that's just not possible. I want to not get frustrated when I feel like people don't get it, but sometimes I find myself getting mad, like it's just not fair. I need to get over it, I know.

And so here comes ponderance numero deux:
It's true that your upbringing has a lot of effect on your personality. I feel like a lot of things about how I was raised were wonderful: I know what it means to work hard, to be frugal, to disappear into your imagination, to love the Earth and the creatures within it, and have been encouraged in all things academic. However, I feel like I didn't learn how to be happy, how to be totally honest with people close to me without worrying that they would take advantage of vulnerabilities, how to feel confident in myself, or how to just live without worrying about something or feeling sad about something. All these need to be relearned and some things simply put into the past. I am having trouble doing this! I wish I could go back to what my nature was before things got bad at home and start over, but I know I'd be a different person and that would be no good. Oh well -- what's the point of life if not to travel from the person you used to be to the one you will become?

Well... time to go to work. :) Happy evening all!

Hmmmm... Easter was lovely. Had a great time at Jimmy's, like I always do. I feel more free away from home and academics both. However, the start of class again smacked me upside the head. Four hours on the lab paper from hell not counting many more hours spent in lab. It'll be about two days until I am in my room to relax. Oh well. The band is performing at MENC and off I go!

However, the best part of today was undoubtedly roomdraw because I am going to be an RA IN MELLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited for training that it's sad! :)

So, that's all for tonight -- time to cram a chemistry assignment into my rehabilitation moments before bed.

I was napping before our French petite examen but I'm afraid that I just cannot ignore some hunger pangs and it's time to munch. Cheese and crackers a wonderful part of existence. I know I've babbled on about them two posts ago, but honestly, YUM! I think I would be content roaming around outside with friends, sleeping under trees, and eating hunks of bread, meat and cheese as meals forever.... just like Robin Hood! I remember reading the full and arduously difficult version of "The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" when I was younger. It was so thick and difficult that it was all my reading points for the whole quarter. But I never forgot that idea of freedom... just to be outside, to live simply, and to follow just and noble causes. What decadence have I been living since then? I think that college is (and is rightfully so) an inherently selfish time because it's all about you. You pursue your own education, tastes, and pursuits and hopefully these are tempered and at the end you emerge as a butterfly of sorts. Still, I always feel I'm missing something large and vast and that I can just barely taste it to know it's there yet still outside my grasp. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's freedom, maybe it's just as simply as some truly free time. But it's out there and that's what matters.

This was a great weekend. The band concert went well. I read outside. I spent some quality time with the Jimmy. I talked with my roommate. I went into town with the Megan. I didn't leave all my homework for Sunday. I saw my mom and my brother. And now I'm going to talk with friends, do some chemistry and feast on tea and a poptart. Yum yum.

Friday!

I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers. In an hour, the Jimmy is going to show me all the food and plans he's been concocting for our "Six Months Observed" festivities. I love Fridays! On what other day of the week do you get forced to be productive and then are rewarded with relaxation and the prospect of a whole weekend??? Mmmm... blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.