the owner of this blog is going slowly crazy

Waaaa.... There is so much to get done in the next few weeks, entirely outside of finals:

Wednesday:
class&lab 9am-3:30
meeting w/JP for jury piece 4:30
run to Skog for usher training 5
eat dinner 6
on duty 7-10:30ish
decorate Mellby 8pm
Thursday:
research in archives @ 10ish
meet with Pastor to plan memorial service for close friend 11
lunch 12
reading 1-2
class 2:15-3:40
band 4:50
study/start papers 7-8:30
coffeehouse 8:45-12:15
Friday:
class 9am-12:45pm
memorial service in cities for Nic: 1pm-4:30 or 4:45
performance with clar choir 4:30 *tricky, very tricky
dinner
on duty all night
Sat:
writing, researching, on duty, planning for memorial service, planning hall event
Sun:
8:30-12:00 chapel performance with SOB
that afternoon ushering
on duty all night
hall council at 10pm
Monday:
classes, planning memorial service
recital of Amy 6:45
more duty after that
Tuesday:
saying goodbye to Nic for real.....

For some reason, it was therapeutic to write that all out. Now I just need to force myself through it. No one said this was easy, but they didn't say how hard it was either.

so much suffering in the world

I don't know where to begin. This past weekend my good friend Nic passed away unexpectedly. We gathered last night to remember him and tell funny stories of him. I kept thinking I'd see him any moment and he'd tell us that it was ok, it had been just one awful misunderstanding. But, I can't help but realize that he's gone forever.

Nic was a wonderful guy and probably the kindest person I know. He would drop everything to help you, whether it was carrying your refrigerator up several flights of stairs on move-in day, lending you a prized video game system, helping you rearrange your room, listening to you, give you a ride someplace, meet you in the summer for a spur of the moment movie, or steal you the ONE golden caf bowl in existence. But, he was also sensitive: Nic wrote poems by the gallon and would send them out to us on an alias he created called "midnight poetry." He also took wonderful photographs of campus, his cabin.

I can't believe I'll never see him walking from Larson, hear him yell "AHHHH" and run at me, tickle me, then hoist me over his shoulder and carry me off. Or read all the wonderful poems he had yet to write. Or get to surprise him in the caf while he was working with a hug. Or see him walking around campus when it was literally 20 degrees out in nothing but a tee-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Or just see his smile or hear him laugh. I don't think we realize how intricately connected to one another we are until something terrible happens and all we can do is search for meaning.

I keep wandering around campus in a surreal daze. When I walk by the chime tower, I can't help but think that now my good friend is going to have a chime up there too. I cannot imagine what Nic must have gone through yesterday or what his family must be going through now. We can only pray that God is taking care of Nic now and that he knows how much we love and will miss him.

(insert blood curdling scream)

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU MARIA!? I certainly don't feel pretty, or for that matter healthy, well-rested, sane, or considerate of other human beings.

I AM SICK OF HAVING CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME! I slept for nine hours last night which, on a day when I have to get up at 8:30, is impressive. When I woke up, it was like the hangover from hell. Physically getting out of my bed was painful. Dragging my exhausted ass to class was worse. I don't mean to complain, but this is not normal. I need ten to eleven hours a day of sleep to be able to function normally with my freakish disorder. I've basically had mono for the past 5 years. When will this end!? It's crippling all the time.... I usually pretend I'm totally normal but lately it's been getting to me how far from the truth that is.

When did class work start requiring us to relinquish all pleasure in life for weeks and months at a time? My profs say we should enjoy the nice weather, appreciate our lives as students, think about what's really meaningful to us, etc. as they assign 100 pages of dense reading, a comprehensive exam, a term paper, projects, and response essays. WHAT!? Enjoy what life? Next time they go on about all the free time we have as college students I'll tell them where to stick it.

And, to top it all of, I've become the megabitch from planet "what crawled up your ass and died?" I'm not feeling nice, happy, or leadery. I want my coffeehouse employees to turn in their damn paperwork. I want my residents to be remotely appreciative. And I want Jimmy to stop saying one thing and doing another. His time management skills (or lack thereof due to coursework and boyishness) cause me to freak out on him at least every other day. I wish I did not have so many commitments (like staff retreats and quiz bowl readings) this weekend, because it's f*ing large philosophy paper time!

toblerone!

I had never had a toblerone bar before..... it's Orgasmic cubed! So incredibly good.... Now if only I could rationalize eating lots more, but alas I'm trying to be a slimmer gal. My computer is busted -- won't play any music or restore the system -- but no viruses are to be found! I don't know what happened and it seems as if there's nothing to be done. My computer is like me: clearly not working properly, but no detectable problems. Argh.

one

Jimmy's out of town for the weekend giving a talk at a conference for undergraduate research. PHEW! What a mouthful. It's all so scientific. I don't feel that bad about dropping out of the whole science world for a bit. I realized I've been doing a lot of things lately just to "fit in." I've never been one to follow convention and do what everyone thinks I should. If I had, I'd be sciencing it up with a boring mainstream major, playing a normal instrument, in a very ordinary relationship, and probably at another school since no one, least of all me, expected me to end up at St. Olaf. But, here I am, in the middle of Norweiganland -- RAing, playing a one-of-a-kind clarinet in a major ensemble, dating a wonderful guy who I'll most likely be with for the rest of my life, managing a business, and studing the environmental arts and humanities writing things like landscape meditations.

I guess this blog post is really for me, an affirmation of sorts to say "here I am" and be proud of myself. I'm not sure why this is something I struggle with. So, this is me: I have a really odd home life, a small obsession with garden gnomes, an incredible relationship, a coffeehouse to manage, a band to play in, and a building to help run. I love it. I love the diverse things I do. While trying to talk myself into settling and doing what I think everyone wants me to, I forgot who I am and what I love.

Thus, it's time to start career searching, something that could keep me interested for longer than a week. Jimmy decided that he wants to study planetary sciences! I'm so impressed. He finally found something that could encompass all his interests. There's got to be something out there for me.

hell in a handbasket

After four years of making fun of Bush, everything from his IQ to his inability to speak coherent English to the mock Texas accent he somehow inherited from his New England relatives, how is it possible that the majority of Americans decided he was the one best suited to lead the country. I mean, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM TALK!? Aside from this, the top aides and Whitehouse insiders who describe his administration do not have positive things to say. He's like a muppet without all that Jim Hensen fun. I feel so disgusted with the country. Where are we headed? It's surely not toward greater tolerance for those around the world. Nor is it toward protecting the environment we depend upon for every breath we take. People said they voted based on "moral issues." What does that even mean? The Republican party isn't the example of morality on the vast majority of issues. Even if you're against killing fetuses, you may not have any problem with letting people starve in the streets. Or with letting them breathe toxic air. Or drink polluted water. After all, you can probably afford to save yourself -- who cares about the rest of them? You're successful and it's because you deserve it. The rest of them? Maybe they're just lazy. On second thought, it's America who seems to be lazy. People are so dissatisfied with the last four years... and what did they do? They re-elected the man whoses decisions constitute a sizeable chunk of that dissatisfaction. I'd like to think that when Americans see the need for a change, we make one. But all I'm left with is "we're going to hell in a handbasket."