ponderings

This week promises to be hellish: a large debate in enviro. ethics, a midterm in enviro. political theory, and a landscape contemplation paper for Rohn in Nature and the American Landscape. All large chunks of said classes' grades. Ah well. I read for an NAQT quiz bowl tournament that was held here yesterday. The whole thing was rather surreal: the high school and college worlds collided in one grand anomaly. Quiz bowl at St. Olaf? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't playing and that I went to this college. I suddenly felt like I was 16 years old... it was very strange to have Brian and Chris there, too. Part of me really wished that I was back at Chaska High School, where life was far less complicated and seemed to have concrete meaning through this crazy world of academic competition. It was odd to finish up, walk back to Mellby and step back into reality.

On an unrelated note, it's starting to sink in that Jimmy won't be here second semester... I'd like to think that I'm an independent, 20 year old woman and that I'll be just fine without him around, but I think that's just the lie I'm trying to feed myself to make it easier to see him go. If you figure that he's leaving around Jan 15th or so and that when he comes back in late May, I'll be heading right to Norway for a month, and then it will be the summer. That's quite a long time to be without one's highly significant other.... how depressing.

MUCH later today: I think I've over-involved myself like I always do. Between the coffeehouse, RAing, the Mellby Hall Council, the St. Olaf Band, and all classes, I just want to scream. Tonight's Hall Council meeting just seemed to be filled with animosity. It never had occured to me how much democracy was about the process, and not the outcome. I feel like Hall Council's democracy has slipped to below-par.

Princess Mononoke is really a fabulous film... I wish I could disappear into another world for a bit.

Fall Break

As most of you probably know, I don't count down the days/hours/minutes until I'll next be back at home in Chanhassen. I love home because it's where I came from and my family is there, not because it provides a lot of warmth, rest, or relaxation. This past few days at home turned everything upside down. I can usually figure out what's right to do in a given situation, given the principles that I've adopted throughout my turbulent 20 years. This weekend, however, left me with nothing but confusion. I don't understand how God could allow such terrible things to occur. I'm losing what I thought were the right ways to live. My idea of right and wrong seem to have been put into a blender and blasted to smithereens. Things are so unhappy. There is little meaning to be found in such dreary sadness. Now that I'm back at school, I feel as if I've stumbled back onto my well-worn path, but only to discover that I wasn't really looking around at what actually happens in the world. It would be easier to be judgmental or to place blame, but I couldn't do that... it would only make the world that much worse. I feel like a small raft adrift at sea.

rotten leaf mulchers!

My leaf obsession is coming to an end because the mulchers are out obliterating all th beauty from fall with one fell swoop. :( How sad. Paper #1 is DONE! But my prof. decided to give us very useful tips on not using sexist language (like man instead of humans are created in God's image) TODAY after the papers were totally done. How helpful!!! And, I can tell that she's not a very objective prof so the whole thesis of my paper (which points the blame of environmental crises at Christianity's creation story, frequently using the word "man") will be much less well received than before said class digression! Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I never got the "use plural subjects or she" talk in Con and certainly not in the sciences, where men rule anyway. Did I just miss this? I feel icky, like I'm adding to the gender discrimination in this country. Wait, but since my paper was more a "point the finger" type one, perhaps it's good I blamed men. Women certainly don't have this idea that they need to prove their strength over the natural world. Bah to you, mans!

one nerdy weekend

in which I have done homework for both Friday and Saturday evenings. I hate to say it, but what a relief! After the incessant busyness that was last week, it's a relief to be a bum for an entire stretch of two days while I'm on duty in Mellby. This is the most at-home I've ever felt on the Hill. My room is atrocious, but it's atrociously mine. I can walk around my room naked after I get out of the shower, spread my books about, make ice cream on the floor, stay up til 2am writing one day and go to sleep at 11 the next. Such freedom! So here's to Mellby 312, the best room on campus.

Monday monday...

I attempted to study outside this afternoon, but the autumn leaves were just too spectacular to ignore and stare at "Democracy and Green Political Thought." Rock the Vote is on campus today which is HIGHLY exciting even if it's HIGHLY consumerist. Seriously, they're giving out stuff by the gallon.
This weekend was the St. Olaf Band (by God!)'s home concert. I thought it was one of our best. I haven't felt a real connection to the music as much as I did this year. Saturday night, I could feel it breathing life into all of us on stage and in the audience. It was a series of perfect moments, like watching leaves float by the dozen off of a maple tree. Yesterday I took out Gnomeo and I wandered about the campus taking pictures for a new 3rd floor bulletin board: where's Gnomeo? It will be splendid, I promise.
Also this weekend were my first real experiences as an RA mediator. Roommate conflict sprung up in the quiet Utopia that is usually the third floor of Mellby. I heard some absolutely appalling things coming from one of the roommates and her friend while they were talking in the hall. I had never imagined being disappointed in any of my residents, but that was all I could think of. I felt horrible that they were so rude, that I had heard their comments, and even worse, for the subject of those unjustified words. How is it that people can be so good and so terrible all at once?
There's a bat on the lawn that Cathy and I were trying to take care of. His wing is smashed beyond repair and he'll probably die soon. I know that I shouldn't be too emotional. After all, death is a natural part of life. To never die would be awful. Still, seeing this tiny bat struggle for its life and knowing I am completely powerless is heartbreaking. Life is so cruel sometimes. I guess we have to live for moments like the music onstage or taking photographs of the beauty around you and try to understand the bad things like hallway talk or an innocent death.

lime tositos

I have found a new appreciation for life... in chip form. You could buy my love with lime flavored tostitos. It doesn't take much to win me over.

I AM the Big Bang

as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently. The coffeehouse is opening this weekend and I've had to do everything, train everyone, buy everything and get the whole thing set up. I didn't realize how much work this would involve, mainly because there isn't any set procedure. Whatever I want to do goes. It's empowering and unsettling all at the same time. In addition to the coffeehouse, I'm now wearing a "holter" which is this thing that has wires running to my chest and monitors my heart for 24 hours. It's more than a bit uncomfortable and I'm not even letting myself think about "what if"s. On the bright side, tomorrow night is the Ben Folds concert! I'll be holter free and it'll be the first free night I've had in weeks. :) It's frickin' freezing here, so if you're in MN don't forget your scarf and hot chocolate.