something fun

It was getting very sad here. I thought I'd put this in for fun.

What is your secret Magical Power
Name
Favorite Harry Potter Book	The Sorcerer's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prisoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of Phoenix
Favorite Candy	Toothflossing Stringmints Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans Chocolate Frogs Blood PopsJelly SlugsPepper Imps Droobles Best Blowing Gum Sugar QuillsFizzing Whizbees
Hogwarts House	GryffindorHufflepuffRavenclawSlytherin
Favorite Teacher	DumbledoreSnapeMcGonnagalBinnsHagridLockhartLupinMoodyFlitwickHoochSproutUmbridgeQuirrelTrelawneyFirenze(The Centaur)Other
Age and Sex
You Special Power:	You are an Animagus, You have the ability to change to an animal at will.
You use this power for:	Good
You will one day become:	A Hogwarts Teacher, You will teach the students at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardy. You will be Minister of Magic.
You will die by:	you will Make a new Sorcerer's Stone and never die.
This fun quiz by ObliviouslyRyan - Taken 1112 Times.

New - Help with love and dating!

back and forth

Hey... it's me.

So we've been planning Nic's memorial service. I thought I was ok after the rest and distance obtained after Thanksgiving Break, but that was just the hardened me talking. It's unreal to plan this last goodbye. That's what I think of this service as. I just want to do Nic justice, to honor him, and to try to make it through without breaking down completely. Stages of grief for me have been uncontrollable sobbing, dazed detachment from reality, frustration at everything else, attempts to forget anything's wrong, dreams where Nic's ok and it's all been just a big mistake, thankfullness that I got to know such a wonderful guy, guilt, and now back to crying.

Tomorrow is the main service. I'm anxious and sad all at the same time. I'm glad this weekend is a quiet duty one. I don't think I could handle anything much else. Time to go to class.

the owner of this blog is going slowly crazy

Waaaa.... There is so much to get done in the next few weeks, entirely outside of finals:

Wednesday:
class&lab 9am-3:30
meeting w/JP for jury piece 4:30
run to Skog for usher training 5
eat dinner 6
on duty 7-10:30ish
decorate Mellby 8pm
Thursday:
research in archives @ 10ish
meet with Pastor to plan memorial service for close friend 11
lunch 12
reading 1-2
class 2:15-3:40
band 4:50
study/start papers 7-8:30
coffeehouse 8:45-12:15
Friday:
class 9am-12:45pm
memorial service in cities for Nic: 1pm-4:30 or 4:45
performance with clar choir 4:30 *tricky, very tricky
dinner
on duty all night
Sat:
writing, researching, on duty, planning for memorial service, planning hall event
Sun:
8:30-12:00 chapel performance with SOB
that afternoon ushering
on duty all night
hall council at 10pm
Monday:
classes, planning memorial service
recital of Amy 6:45
more duty after that
Tuesday:
saying goodbye to Nic for real.....

For some reason, it was therapeutic to write that all out. Now I just need to force myself through it. No one said this was easy, but they didn't say how hard it was either.

so much suffering in the world

I don't know where to begin. This past weekend my good friend Nic passed away unexpectedly. We gathered last night to remember him and tell funny stories of him. I kept thinking I'd see him any moment and he'd tell us that it was ok, it had been just one awful misunderstanding. But, I can't help but realize that he's gone forever.

Nic was a wonderful guy and probably the kindest person I know. He would drop everything to help you, whether it was carrying your refrigerator up several flights of stairs on move-in day, lending you a prized video game system, helping you rearrange your room, listening to you, give you a ride someplace, meet you in the summer for a spur of the moment movie, or steal you the ONE golden caf bowl in existence. But, he was also sensitive: Nic wrote poems by the gallon and would send them out to us on an alias he created called "midnight poetry." He also took wonderful photographs of campus, his cabin.

I can't believe I'll never see him walking from Larson, hear him yell "AHHHH" and run at me, tickle me, then hoist me over his shoulder and carry me off. Or read all the wonderful poems he had yet to write. Or get to surprise him in the caf while he was working with a hug. Or see him walking around campus when it was literally 20 degrees out in nothing but a tee-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Or just see his smile or hear him laugh. I don't think we realize how intricately connected to one another we are until something terrible happens and all we can do is search for meaning.

I keep wandering around campus in a surreal daze. When I walk by the chime tower, I can't help but think that now my good friend is going to have a chime up there too. I cannot imagine what Nic must have gone through yesterday or what his family must be going through now. We can only pray that God is taking care of Nic now and that he knows how much we love and will miss him.

(insert blood curdling scream)

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU MARIA!? I certainly don't feel pretty, or for that matter healthy, well-rested, sane, or considerate of other human beings.

I AM SICK OF HAVING CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME! I slept for nine hours last night which, on a day when I have to get up at 8:30, is impressive. When I woke up, it was like the hangover from hell. Physically getting out of my bed was painful. Dragging my exhausted ass to class was worse. I don't mean to complain, but this is not normal. I need ten to eleven hours a day of sleep to be able to function normally with my freakish disorder. I've basically had mono for the past 5 years. When will this end!? It's crippling all the time.... I usually pretend I'm totally normal but lately it's been getting to me how far from the truth that is.

When did class work start requiring us to relinquish all pleasure in life for weeks and months at a time? My profs say we should enjoy the nice weather, appreciate our lives as students, think about what's really meaningful to us, etc. as they assign 100 pages of dense reading, a comprehensive exam, a term paper, projects, and response essays. WHAT!? Enjoy what life? Next time they go on about all the free time we have as college students I'll tell them where to stick it.

And, to top it all of, I've become the megabitch from planet "what crawled up your ass and died?" I'm not feeling nice, happy, or leadery. I want my coffeehouse employees to turn in their damn paperwork. I want my residents to be remotely appreciative. And I want Jimmy to stop saying one thing and doing another. His time management skills (or lack thereof due to coursework and boyishness) cause me to freak out on him at least every other day. I wish I did not have so many commitments (like staff retreats and quiz bowl readings) this weekend, because it's f*ing large philosophy paper time!

toblerone!

I had never had a toblerone bar before..... it's Orgasmic cubed! So incredibly good.... Now if only I could rationalize eating lots more, but alas I'm trying to be a slimmer gal. My computer is busted -- won't play any music or restore the system -- but no viruses are to be found! I don't know what happened and it seems as if there's nothing to be done. My computer is like me: clearly not working properly, but no detectable problems. Argh.

one

Jimmy's out of town for the weekend giving a talk at a conference for undergraduate research. PHEW! What a mouthful. It's all so scientific. I don't feel that bad about dropping out of the whole science world for a bit. I realized I've been doing a lot of things lately just to "fit in." I've never been one to follow convention and do what everyone thinks I should. If I had, I'd be sciencing it up with a boring mainstream major, playing a normal instrument, in a very ordinary relationship, and probably at another school since no one, least of all me, expected me to end up at St. Olaf. But, here I am, in the middle of Norweiganland -- RAing, playing a one-of-a-kind clarinet in a major ensemble, dating a wonderful guy who I'll most likely be with for the rest of my life, managing a business, and studing the environmental arts and humanities writing things like landscape meditations.

I guess this blog post is really for me, an affirmation of sorts to say "here I am" and be proud of myself. I'm not sure why this is something I struggle with. So, this is me: I have a really odd home life, a small obsession with garden gnomes, an incredible relationship, a coffeehouse to manage, a band to play in, and a building to help run. I love it. I love the diverse things I do. While trying to talk myself into settling and doing what I think everyone wants me to, I forgot who I am and what I love.

Thus, it's time to start career searching, something that could keep me interested for longer than a week. Jimmy decided that he wants to study planetary sciences! I'm so impressed. He finally found something that could encompass all his interests. There's got to be something out there for me.

hell in a handbasket

After four years of making fun of Bush, everything from his IQ to his inability to speak coherent English to the mock Texas accent he somehow inherited from his New England relatives, how is it possible that the majority of Americans decided he was the one best suited to lead the country. I mean, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM TALK!? Aside from this, the top aides and Whitehouse insiders who describe his administration do not have positive things to say. He's like a muppet without all that Jim Hensen fun. I feel so disgusted with the country. Where are we headed? It's surely not toward greater tolerance for those around the world. Nor is it toward protecting the environment we depend upon for every breath we take. People said they voted based on "moral issues." What does that even mean? The Republican party isn't the example of morality on the vast majority of issues. Even if you're against killing fetuses, you may not have any problem with letting people starve in the streets. Or with letting them breathe toxic air. Or drink polluted water. After all, you can probably afford to save yourself -- who cares about the rest of them? You're successful and it's because you deserve it. The rest of them? Maybe they're just lazy. On second thought, it's America who seems to be lazy. People are so dissatisfied with the last four years... and what did they do? They re-elected the man whoses decisions constitute a sizeable chunk of that dissatisfaction. I'd like to think that when Americans see the need for a change, we make one. But all I'm left with is "we're going to hell in a handbasket."

ponderings

This week promises to be hellish: a large debate in enviro. ethics, a midterm in enviro. political theory, and a landscape contemplation paper for Rohn in Nature and the American Landscape. All large chunks of said classes' grades. Ah well. I read for an NAQT quiz bowl tournament that was held here yesterday. The whole thing was rather surreal: the high school and college worlds collided in one grand anomaly. Quiz bowl at St. Olaf? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't playing and that I went to this college. I suddenly felt like I was 16 years old... it was very strange to have Brian and Chris there, too. Part of me really wished that I was back at Chaska High School, where life was far less complicated and seemed to have concrete meaning through this crazy world of academic competition. It was odd to finish up, walk back to Mellby and step back into reality.

On an unrelated note, it's starting to sink in that Jimmy won't be here second semester... I'd like to think that I'm an independent, 20 year old woman and that I'll be just fine without him around, but I think that's just the lie I'm trying to feed myself to make it easier to see him go. If you figure that he's leaving around Jan 15th or so and that when he comes back in late May, I'll be heading right to Norway for a month, and then it will be the summer. That's quite a long time to be without one's highly significant other.... how depressing.

MUCH later today: I think I've over-involved myself like I always do. Between the coffeehouse, RAing, the Mellby Hall Council, the St. Olaf Band, and all classes, I just want to scream. Tonight's Hall Council meeting just seemed to be filled with animosity. It never had occured to me how much democracy was about the process, and not the outcome. I feel like Hall Council's democracy has slipped to below-par.

Princess Mononoke is really a fabulous film... I wish I could disappear into another world for a bit.

Fall Break

As most of you probably know, I don't count down the days/hours/minutes until I'll next be back at home in Chanhassen. I love home because it's where I came from and my family is there, not because it provides a lot of warmth, rest, or relaxation. This past few days at home turned everything upside down. I can usually figure out what's right to do in a given situation, given the principles that I've adopted throughout my turbulent 20 years. This weekend, however, left me with nothing but confusion. I don't understand how God could allow such terrible things to occur. I'm losing what I thought were the right ways to live. My idea of right and wrong seem to have been put into a blender and blasted to smithereens. Things are so unhappy. There is little meaning to be found in such dreary sadness. Now that I'm back at school, I feel as if I've stumbled back onto my well-worn path, but only to discover that I wasn't really looking around at what actually happens in the world. It would be easier to be judgmental or to place blame, but I couldn't do that... it would only make the world that much worse. I feel like a small raft adrift at sea.

rotten leaf mulchers!

My leaf obsession is coming to an end because the mulchers are out obliterating all th beauty from fall with one fell swoop. :( How sad. Paper #1 is DONE! But my prof. decided to give us very useful tips on not using sexist language (like man instead of humans are created in God's image) TODAY after the papers were totally done. How helpful!!! And, I can tell that she's not a very objective prof so the whole thesis of my paper (which points the blame of environmental crises at Christianity's creation story, frequently using the word "man") will be much less well received than before said class digression! Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I never got the "use plural subjects or she" talk in Con and certainly not in the sciences, where men rule anyway. Did I just miss this? I feel icky, like I'm adding to the gender discrimination in this country. Wait, but since my paper was more a "point the finger" type one, perhaps it's good I blamed men. Women certainly don't have this idea that they need to prove their strength over the natural world. Bah to you, mans!

one nerdy weekend

in which I have done homework for both Friday and Saturday evenings. I hate to say it, but what a relief! After the incessant busyness that was last week, it's a relief to be a bum for an entire stretch of two days while I'm on duty in Mellby. This is the most at-home I've ever felt on the Hill. My room is atrocious, but it's atrociously mine. I can walk around my room naked after I get out of the shower, spread my books about, make ice cream on the floor, stay up til 2am writing one day and go to sleep at 11 the next. Such freedom! So here's to Mellby 312, the best room on campus.

Monday monday...

I attempted to study outside this afternoon, but the autumn leaves were just too spectacular to ignore and stare at "Democracy and Green Political Thought." Rock the Vote is on campus today which is HIGHLY exciting even if it's HIGHLY consumerist. Seriously, they're giving out stuff by the gallon.
This weekend was the St. Olaf Band (by God!)'s home concert. I thought it was one of our best. I haven't felt a real connection to the music as much as I did this year. Saturday night, I could feel it breathing life into all of us on stage and in the audience. It was a series of perfect moments, like watching leaves float by the dozen off of a maple tree. Yesterday I took out Gnomeo and I wandered about the campus taking pictures for a new 3rd floor bulletin board: where's Gnomeo? It will be splendid, I promise.
Also this weekend were my first real experiences as an RA mediator. Roommate conflict sprung up in the quiet Utopia that is usually the third floor of Mellby. I heard some absolutely appalling things coming from one of the roommates and her friend while they were talking in the hall. I had never imagined being disappointed in any of my residents, but that was all I could think of. I felt horrible that they were so rude, that I had heard their comments, and even worse, for the subject of those unjustified words. How is it that people can be so good and so terrible all at once?
There's a bat on the lawn that Cathy and I were trying to take care of. His wing is smashed beyond repair and he'll probably die soon. I know that I shouldn't be too emotional. After all, death is a natural part of life. To never die would be awful. Still, seeing this tiny bat struggle for its life and knowing I am completely powerless is heartbreaking. Life is so cruel sometimes. I guess we have to live for moments like the music onstage or taking photographs of the beauty around you and try to understand the bad things like hallway talk or an innocent death.

lime tositos

I have found a new appreciation for life... in chip form. You could buy my love with lime flavored tostitos. It doesn't take much to win me over.

I AM the Big Bang

as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently. The coffeehouse is opening this weekend and I've had to do everything, train everyone, buy everything and get the whole thing set up. I didn't realize how much work this would involve, mainly because there isn't any set procedure. Whatever I want to do goes. It's empowering and unsettling all at the same time. In addition to the coffeehouse, I'm now wearing a "holter" which is this thing that has wires running to my chest and monitors my heart for 24 hours. It's more than a bit uncomfortable and I'm not even letting myself think about "what if"s. On the bright side, tomorrow night is the Ben Folds concert! I'll be holter free and it'll be the first free night I've had in weeks. :) It's frickin' freezing here, so if you're in MN don't forget your scarf and hot chocolate.

feeling a bit blue

I'm not sure why exactly. I've been quite alone the whole day which is sometimes a good thing in that it could give you perspective and peace of mind. Not so tonight. I am just lonely. I've half a mind right now to give up on reading my enviro ethics article, "The World As God's Body," and just munch on chocolate while watching Sex and the City. What's really depressing me right now are people. I wish everyone had it in their minds to be friendly and welcoming toward one another. I hoped to make some new friends in Mellby, but I keep encountering people who are wrapped up in their own worlds and end up being a bit rude without realizing it. It's disheartening! Why should I keep trying to be Ms. Friendly RA when it's meant with dull indifference? Such a "what reason is there to keep going?" day. Three things, however, have kept up my faith in humanity: Ansel Adams' photographs, Jennifer and Bridget next door, and old St. Olaf Band CDs. God Bless the SOB.

the day of good deeds

It's definitely getting closer to fall, leaving keep falling from trees and even though I fail at trying to catch one for good luck, I know I'll be coordinated enough one day.

It's been both busy and quiet over the last couple weeks. RAing is less of a time commitment, though you have to be ready to do things like delivering 300 phone books the moment they arrive to each room in the hall. It's getting closer to Halloween and my fears of the Mellby ghosts have been rekindled. I keep imagining shadows moving in my room at night and an inability to scream for all I'm worth. In good Mellby news, we had our first social program and it so incredibly fun that I've had a hard time studying over the past few days. I'm doing coffeehouse interview entirely on my own this week and it's both scary and invigorating. "I am supervisor, hear me ROAR!" I think it'll be a good year as far as the jobs are concerned. I just wish I had a bit more time to laze about and read for school.

Fortunately for me, I'm on duty this weekend! Besides writing two papers, I'm going to watch movies with some of the girls, eat roasted chestnuts, put up Christmas lights, clean, and go to Ren Fest on Saturday with Jimmy.

RIGHT! So good deeds! Yesterday, I volunteered for extra duty in Hoyme, ate a quiet dinner alone, was nice to Prof. Welch, did pilates, talked to an old [drunken] friend on the phone, got kissed on the top of my head from a guy who's a bit quirky and had never kissed a girl before, interviewed people, started coffeehouse inventory, did the Mellby fire drill, helped Vanna find a lost earring in the dark, picked up pretty leaves for people, and had a wonderful discussion in environmental ethics. In retrospect some were deeds I did and others were ones exchanged. Meh, it's all good, I guess.

stalkernet

I love looking up random people on stalkernet. Names like "John" are particularly fun because they yield such varied and numerous results. With each person, I wonder what who they are/what their hobbies and interests might be. Did they like the snapshot St. Olaf recorded of their image? Or, did they change it for a particular reason? Have I met this person? Maybe they came across my picture some time and wondered the same questions.... I feel like I know the people from their pictures and that if I did happen upon them, we'd have conversation material. I also assume that all the people are well-meaning and kindly because that's how I'd like to think random people are: just trying to make their own small difference on the world.

On totally random subjects, I spent a lot of time yesterday with doctors. I guess I have an extremely rapid pulse. It seems to be regular, just very fast. I have no idea currently what this means for my health long-term or if it is linked to the fatigue that seems to haunt me. They did draw more blood, much to my dismay. Maybe it'll yield something very insightful, but most likely it's just another two containers of me lost to the ages. I really hate the feeling of the needly poking around in my arm... I tense up and pretend I'm on a deserted tropical island I like to call "Laurentopia."

Incidentally, Laurentopia is my back-up plan. If things don't work out academically, I'll head there to weave underwater baskets. I figure that the great mysteries of life can be revealed through things like basket-weaving, particulaly if water is involved, but that we just tend to write it off as not worthy of our time because of the fast-paced modern life. Right now, before Laurentopia, I intend to put off my ES major decisions for a semester by simply taking other required classes. Currently I am living and breathing environmental thought, art, politics, and map-making. I'm sure something brilliant will occur before the end of the semester, most likely with the help of the Center for Experiential Learning, my destiny-revealing hallucenogen. Being on student staff makes me turn to offices instead of drugs for such things. Not that I ever turned to drugs (maybe alcohol a bit)... ok, anyway.

Last but not least, today Jimmy and I have been dating for a year. Yay! It's by far the most sustainable romance ever. Sometimes I get it in my head that I need Shakespearean drama, but then I remember that it would last for about a microsecond and I'd need something that has laughter and things like cooking and Futurama. Ahhh... what a great boyfriend he is. Here's to you, Boy. :)

Happy New Year

Classes have begun on the ol' hill. After sitting through the first of what will undoubtedly be many painful genetics lectures, I realized that I don't want to major in biology. When I first got here, I was told quite bluntly that I ought to major in bio because it is a real science, unlike environmental studies. So, ok, I did, but not because I actually wanted to. Thus I have run headlong into a wall. I don't think I'm meant to focus just on science. I feel like I left the humanities in the background and now I'm really regretting it. Know what else I'm regretting? WAITING UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR TO HAVE THIS EPIPHANY! Since I have and cannot go back and make things right, I need to figure out what I'm doing in the next few days. I have no career destination at which to arrive [yet] so I'm in limbo. Time to call in the professionals. I'll update on Monday after I've consulted some folks.

I'm so glad I did this!

Thus far, RA training has been a great week. We've been at training each morning around 8:30 am and the nights have frequently gone as late as 11pm, but damn! It's like the best possible thing I could've done with my junior year. You're helping people, but you're also helping yourself. It's like a character makeover. The only times I've felt this confident in myself have been at summer Girl Scout Camp. And it's only getting better as people start to move in. The people living in Mellby all seem really great and I can't wait to get to know them better. Our staff is awesome. Rylan, Josh, and Cate are some of the best and nicest people to work with. Heather (the area coordinator) is super cool. I'm even getting over my fear of the Mellby ghosts, none of whom I have met yet (and half-hope never to meet). This is going to be a wonderful year.

Happy Birthday Mansfield Park!

Actually, no, not the Jane Austen novel. It's the REAL birthday of my blog! I created it one year ago today...

Ahhh... the wonders of weblogs. I ought to write a bit of something on the action at fortawesome.blogspot.com, demonstrative of the crazy power blogging seems to hold over (one can only assume) what were once rational people. The upcoming election seems to have long-since taken hold of many people's minds. Either I just wasn't paying attention last time (which wasn't true) or things are getting much more heated much earlier for the 2004 election. Comments like:
*Make a collection of your soap box and every other liberal soap box, and have yourself a grand bon fire.
*If you feel the need to be this [i.e. the liberal bonfire comment] oppressive, go live in Communist China. (ok, so this one was me)
*WRONG, freaks
*John Kerry is nothing short of evil... He is a lying piece of shit.
and my personal favorite: *Say what you want about being independent or liberal. Say what you want about your wrong viewpoints. Say anything you want about you or your sexual attraction to sticks used by Dan Rather. Do NOT, bash George W. Bush. He is a great man. Fuck you all, assholes. (For further explanation on the Dan Rather comments as well as other, more profane commentary check out grant's blog).

But HONESTLY! Presidential elections make people into raving lunatics. The last few quotes on there are just abysmal. Freedom of speech does not equal freedom of vulgarity! Ugh, what was a decent debate devolved into a mud-slinging contest full of conservative BS from people who don't know Grant at all but somehow think that he deserves that kind of crap? I don't think W. is a great man, or even close to one. Nothing he's ever said could have convinced me of it. And now I'm none-too-impressed by his supporters either.

OMG!

Just came to the sudden realization that Jim Broadbent, who plays Bridget Jones's father in the fab movie, ALSO was Harold Zidler in Moulin Rouge! MY GOD! Talk about a versatile actor! You would never know he was the same guy..... The things you learn on IMDB while bored at work!

the best weekend

I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I'm feeling rather sickish, but I think that writing a nice post might help the fatigue... Socially speaking, it was the best weekend in as long as I can remember.

I took on role of personal shopper again on Friday afternoon when John [Aho] and I hit EP mall to look for some new duds for him. I didn't have to work and it was LOVELY. Was very proud -- only bought one thing for myself (a pair of replacement sunglasses which I may return due to insufficient funds). Later that night, Amanda and I went into Uptown to check out the tea bar we're coming to love dearly. It felt good to get out and even better to just talk candidly with her about the girliest of things.

On Saturday night, it was time to let loose a bit. Now, those who know me know I'm def no drunkard, but it was a good way to get the very last bits of partying out of my system before next week and a year of RA-dom. Aho and Tim had been playing baseball in the front yard and stayed, much to my delight. were the obligatory discussions of baseball and politics. I even tried smoking a ghetto cigar, which was fairly vile. It felt like being back in high school in a good and nostalgic way.

Sunday, I drove to Rosedale Mall to meet the Jimmy and do more personal shopping. It's far more fun to dress one's boyfriend. I was so proud of him! He got actual college-aged things! No more Old Navy poster boy. I shouldn't tease. We all did the walking label thing. It was a good day for me too. I got hot-ass jeans at American Eagle, a couple shirts, and a new little crabbie! I shouldn't say little, cause she's approximately Cami-sized. I think I'm almost scared of her! Still, I hope she survives better than the really vulnerable, little ones. She needs a name though.... If you have suggestions for crab names, do comment.

However, the only down side to this weekend was the ridiculous amount of money spent. Jeans, shirts, new shells, drinks at Starbucks and tea bars. I was a baaaaad girl and I feel guilt-ridden. I wish I could spend little to no money... ever. Still, some purchases are flexible and able to be taken back if need be. And the need may arise quickly. Ack. Time to work, now. Bye to all.

breaking point

You know what? My family's happiness levels have reached record lows. And I am confident in saying that the issue is not me. This summer has been a point of realization for me. I've gotten to see the parental perspective on numerous occasions from coworkers and just people I watch when I'm out. And, my dad is just out of control. I didn't tell really anyone what happened last week, but there was another little skirmish. My dad lost his temper so utterly... it was not pretty. And it would have been enough for me to call police dispatch and report domestic violence. But I didn't. I don't want people to hear indepth about what goes on at our house or for my dad's teaching to be hurt. After all, the very best of him comes out in the classroom to other, luckier, and to him better children.

And I have just one question: why did he ever have children in the first place? I think that when you have kids, you give up the right to hate them because your own feelings are hurt. Kids do that without realizing it but it's no reason to turn your back on them. They need patience (in spades) and the knowledge that they have your unconditional love. And you have to be open-minded: there is a possibility that you could be wrong, and there will undoubtedly be times in which you show them how to apologize like an adult. Without these essential things, I don't see how a person could possibly expect to make a positive difference in their child's life.

And so, I am done with living as if everything is happy at home. Our extended family and friends have an inkling as to how things really are and I'm about to get them all involved. I'll do anything if it has a chance of improving things long-term. I still care enough about my dad to want to see him happy. And I definitely want things to be better for my mother, brother, and myself. No one should voluntarily live like this.

Dreams:
Going back to school will be like waking up after a troubling sleep to realize everything's ok
My dad will voluntarily go to some sort of counseling
Being an RA and a manager will ROCK
I'll get everything done and packed with time to go get ice cream before move-in
My studies in bio/ES will be validated by this internship
Lighten/cheer up!

feeling contemplative

Do you ever wonder if the whole way you think and view the world around you is terribly skewed? Every so often (ok, so I'm lying, it's about every week) I get into some psychological rumble with myself. Am I seeking truth or just playing at sophistry?

Typical rumble-esque self dialogue:
When we're younger, American culture paints a beautiful picture: you're unique and special -- you can be or do anything you want. As you get older, however, the internal message switches to survival of fittest: work hard, out compete your fellow citizens, find the drive in yourself to win that good grade, job, game. We aren't celebrated for our differences anymore and you have to wonder if we ever really were. But then there are always exceptions and I think those are the people who are driving the evolution of our culture. You can always being accepting and tolerant of those around you. Actually, it's even better to do more... you could actually appreciate those quirky people you run into each day. I think there's a stigma that you and your friends should all have similar tastes, interests and lifestyles. I see it in my little brother, who's afraid to do things that his friends don't approve of. One of the great things about friendships is how much new stuff you get to experience (and not just in that hallucenogenic drug way) via one another.

Sometime in the last four years, I gave up dreaming. Not in the REM way, but in the idealistic, "this is what I want to happen in my life and I'm not afraid to think it'll come true." It might have been failed romance or reading more literature or things at home or going away to school or maybe even the chronic fatigue which slowly set in starting about four years ago. I think that really, the combination of these things led me to self doubt which then turned into self doubt. Did I really deserve a fairy tale happy ending? Was I extraordinary enough to leave the world a better place than when I found it? Was I even right about anything? (Here is where truth vs. semantics came from). Did I just over analyze everything? I started to see other adults with families and jobs that became so wrapped up in the mundane details of life that they forgot what it was about in the first place. Once you're aware of this phenomenon, it's hard not to become infected with it. Thus, it is time for change.

I really, really don't want to stop dreaming or hoping that what I'm doing with myself will make a difference. I think I am going to institute dreams on Mansfield... even if they're outlandish ones, who cares, I'll have fun writing them and one of my friends will have fun reading them.

Dream #1: I get to work fairly high up (eventually) on some lovely humanitarian organization that finds homes/jobs for people struggling in rural America.

Dream #2: I clean up my bedroom and don't get tired/angry in the process. Better yet, I sleep in a hammock and save floor space for my new fort. haha, j/k

Dream #3: I invest in a beautiful new digital camera that can take b&w, sepia, negative, night shots WITH a quick flash, decent resolution and an optical zoom.

Dream #4: Bocce on Mellby lawn. Enough said. Bocce kicks ass AND it's Italian.

Dream #5: Graduate from college with grades that I am not ashamed of. Get to play Buffet Bass Clarinet in SOB. Oh yeah.

R.I.P. Frida

I was on a sampling trip for the PCA over the past couple days. When I called home on Monday night to see how everyone was, my mom said that Frida the Hermit Crab Extraordinaire was changing shells! I was sooo sad to be missing it and couldn't wait to come back, however, Frida did not make it through the process. I came home to an empty crab carrier and a sad little crab body that had slipped out of its shell. Frida, being the lively little gal she was, was an especially personable crab. She enjoyed scuttling sideways, often falling into a roll, and was of the pale blue/green variety of hermit. She also liked to sit in front of the heat duct in my room. She was not too fond of bathing. She and Cami used to curl up together in the corner of their tank. They also chirped at one another. He's very lonely now. Poor Cam... Here is a slightly melodramatic, though rather heartfelt tribute to Frida --

Gregarious crab:
though small, you were full of life
but now silence falls.

R.I.P. little crab.

I am 20!

I remember reading in Anne of Green Gables that once you turn 20, your character was fixed (i.e. shape up now or turn into a bad girl forever!)... So, I've always thought of 20 as a landmark heralding you through the end of childhood. I must say, it ended up being quite a good birthday. The beginning, though filled with some gift opening and a picnic, was not much to speak of as I ran errands for the better part of it. I was feeling pretty let down towards the end of the afternoon and just wanted to be by myself for a while. Little did I know that several conspirators lay in the midst. (MWA HAHAHA, and it was a good thing too!) Thus, I was totally and utterly surprised when Jimmy and I walked in Rey Azteca (a restaurant everyone in the Chanhassen area should visit) to be greeted by a bunch of friends! I could only think was "all these people are here to see me!?" The whole thing was so much fun, especially for those who don't get out often due to work like me. Grant and Jimmy had even made a birthday cake... it was splendid delicious and wonderful to see (I had thought I was a cakeless girl since my parents were either recovering from surgery or extremely busy). And Jimmy! That boy! The whole party was completely his idea!!! He and his conspirators (whom I fondly will refer to as helper monkeys) called or emailed or imed sooo many people! Thank you helper monkeys! I was also spoilt by gifts, while was another total surprise -- dirty girl books, accessories (who knew they made gum?), and porn, btw. This morning, I checked my email and there were no less than seven emails or cards waiting for me. I feel more relaxed than I have in... well, years. It was a really great birthday. Thank you all.

NY trip

I thought my blog had eaten my long post about vacation, so I rewrote the whole thing only to find that it tried to eat it but could apparently only manage the title. I think I like the list version better. In a nutshell, here's Upstate NY (which is its own entity separate from the city but just as crazy):

-huge dinners required three+ tables to fit everyone and all the food
-lots of people coming and going at my aunt and uncles house
-everyone's always talking and laughing
-there are a lot of people!
-family is really important
-no urban sprawl
-visiting Auburn is always fun... so much family history!
-wish we hadn't lost so much culture (like the language) when my mom's crowd was growing up in the effort to homogenize and become "American"
-Ny accents are fun to pick up
-my cousin Michelle is one wild gal!
-despite my brother driving my [publicly] up a succession of walls, it's good to feel I belong
-my Great Aunt Josie talks about my grandmother and I desperately wish I knew more about where I came from
-my mom's cousin now lives in the house my mom grew up in. while remodeling, she found some old clothes of my mom's, uncle's and grandmother's IN THE WALL. we brought said wall clothes home
-bass pro stores are awesome (think cabela's with a 22,000 gallon tank of natural lake fish)
-you can do a lot with paint, like paint literally every square inch of your house
-miss family, almost wish I lived in NY (real estate cheaper)
-little cousins stomping on floor above my head at 7am make-a me sad!
-"vacation" is the key word for exhausting, not relaxing, but in that good way

Depression is everywhere

and I'm as guilty as the next person of it.  Looking over friend's blogs and websites (as well as talking to them in person), it's hard not to notice a pattern.  Everyone is depressed, feeling dejected, frustrated, sad and alone.  Whatever you want to call it, I think it's an epidemic.  

I wish I could help my friends... no one wants to see people they love in so much pain.  I'm no pinnacle of cheer, but I can see the good things, too.  In old movies, the characters' hearts were broken and they thought life would never recover but then they see something good and innocent, like children playing in the street, and suddenly they remember why they and all of us must go on.  There are so many simple pleasures in life.  As good as it feels to earn grades, go onto graduate school, get internships, etc., the real things that keep me going at St. Olaf are not career preparations and resume builders.  It's things like walking behind Mellby a dozen times a day in the fall when the sidewalk is engulfed by a tunnel of color and rustling.  Or being able to sit under the trees and read.  Or smelling the Malt-O-Meal, going for walks into town, coming inside on a cold night, watching snow fall for hours at a time, and making easy mac.  These keep me happy (and sane) when nothing else will.  Even if you're doing well in school, have friends, maybe even a fabulous boyfriend, it's the minutae that makes all the difference as far as I'm concerned. 

Maybe it's part of living in the moment.  In Star Wars, Yoda chides Luke for always looking to the future.  When I was younger, I thought that perhaps Yoda had had one too many fights with R2.  What's wrong with looking to the future if you're unhappy in the present?  After years of watching that movie, I decided the implication that inevitably the future would come and suddenly the present would be alluring and livable is dangerous.   What if the future isn't all it's cracked up to be?  What if you don't get into your top grad/law/med school?   For many people, it's these big, risky aspects (perhaps the more societally recognized things?) that make or break life, but I think that if everyone got excited about drinking lemonade, brushing their pet, or going for a walk outside in the sun and let themselves live in that moment instead of passing it over as unimportant and just filler material until the next big break, the world would be a much better place. 

 

Less than an hour to go...

I think the best thing about these long, mid-week sampling trips are the added benefit that I either work for a few hours on Fridays or get them off.  Today, it's the former, but I have so little to do that the work day is consisting of catching up on emails and blogs.  Another added benefit of being in the field is the color you pick up.  For instance, I no longer look like a Scandinavian ghost.  It's lovely.  I have tan cleavage.  Mmmmhmmm.  I've also had time to catch up on finances.  I've spent about $200 on trips that needs to be filed for reimbursement.  It's like opening a big Christmas present, even though you bought, wrapped, and placed it under the tree yourself.  I'm trying to look on the bright side of things.  I also tried to be a good parent to Noah last night, trying to make him feel better after he got his modem taken away.  He decided that this meant he could blame on me because of course he should be able to tie up the phone line whenever he pleases.  My venture into parenting was short-lived.  Pity I was really not that bad.  Aitkin County is kinda like Mexico in that being there makes you feel guilty.  They aren't very well off up there and a lot of people live in old trailers.  I realized how well off people in the burbs are.  And how lazy that makes us.  Maybe it's better to struggle.  You appreciate things more when they don't come easily to you.  But then again, I realize things like that because I am wealthy enough to travel and perceive differences.  What a catch-22. 

Tonight's the last Community Band concert.  While I'm excited for certain parts of going back to school, I could leave a lot of others.  For instance, taking Remote Sensing/GIS with Welch, the most close minded professor I've yet heard of at St. Olaf.  Or perhaps the parking permit that I was supposed to get over two months ago from NiNi Hopkins thus enabling the coffeehouse to operate.  Still, there are good things, like living next to Bridget and Jennifer in Mellby, having my very own room, seeing all sorts of people (like Vanna) from school again, feeling redeemed because by God, I had a damn reputable internship over the summer.  Band... hmmm... that one's mixed.  I feel like a fish out of water.  I would love to be someone that people remember is in the room or maybe even acknowledge in the hallways of Christiansen, but until I either become a music major or play an instrument that puts me in the spotlight (HAHA to both of those), I guess I'll be content with the backseat.  The actual act of playing is joyful.  It's more the bureaucratic pieces that pull it down.  A lot of things are like that, actually.  Look at state agencies! 

I don't like people and they don't like me

It was a long weekend.  They always are.  Because of the trips for work each week, I usually have half or most of Friday off.  This week was no different so I went up to Askov with Jimmy for a long overdue visit to the farm.  Between band concerts in Superior, embarassing talks with his mother, and still being sick from the week, it was not the most pleasant stay imaginable in the Northland.  I came home to struggle with my dad to be able to work on my floor's door decortations in our living room.  I did get the new car, which is lovely if unnamed (strangely everyone asks if it has a name yet -- I'm thinking).  I went out and spent too much money on gas, cheesecake, and a movie with gals from high school.  The next day (Sunday) I decided it was high time to get to the beach.  Amanda, the Johns, and I went to Excelsior to swim off the point.  And that short bit of time was heavenly.  However, it was short as the others were hungry and thus we spent less than two hours there at all between walking and eating.  Sigh.  That evening I tried again to be social, only to be teased and part of my NEW car ripped off.  Amanda's boyfriend, Rory, who I thought (and still think probably) to be a nice guy, stole the hubcap to my car, ran with it, and then proceeded to tease me ala middle school while Amanda and her friend laughed at the situation.  How fun.  To those reading, do NOT steal any pieces of your friend's brand new car and then rip into someone.  It will only inspire entries like the following:
 
 
"I think I'm throwing the human interaction towel in. 
 
"Another weekend of trying to fit in left me feeling more than a bit empty.  There's simply no use in hovering around a desperate desire to find people with whom I feel more than a passing connection that doesn't inevitably fade into an awkward nothingness.  I look back at the defining points of my short and often trite life.  Photographs record little more than a brief moment in time, yet I surround myself, as if placing them in succession will somehow make the parade more complete.  But I see holes everywhere that I would wish to fill with meaning.  The people around me are most likely extraordinary, but we're surrounded in fog for as much as we realize it.    
 
"How is that people can be so downtrodden in a land of such plenty?"

back from the field

I haven't been blogging much lately due to the small amount of time I've had free in the office. Instead, I've been out in the field taking the lake samples that are constituting the better part of what's left of my time at the PCA. And I'm not complaining! I think that next time, I'll get better sunscreen and put it on right away to avoid the sunburn that it making it hard to move my shoulders currently. I will also try to even out the racerback tank tan (one pale stripe down my back that looks remarkably like a skunk). I think that I'll have the better part of Friday off this week, which means that it's time to hit the beach. Beach days (despite the numerous hours spent on the lakes) have been in pitiful supply this summer with the total at a whopping zero. I hope that it stays nice and that Jimmy and I could hightail it to somplace fun and relaxing. Next week will be full of more field work, this time up in Aitkin County. I hope that I can effectively fight off whatever cold or such I've caught that's making it hard to think or sit straight. There's still no update on my car. No one is sure what's wrong with it and it's been in a garage for nine days... It looks like I might be buying that 2001 Prizm. Who knows. Well -- happy midweek to everyone. Time for me to stop being such a slacker.

my car!

Wow -- I was looking at an article and was pleasantly suprised by some good environmental news. Paper recycling is at an all-time high in America. 50% of paper produced comes back to be recycled. That's awesome! Just more proof that education and awareness work pretty damn well to change public actions.

In case you can't tell, it's been a slow day at work. I only hit the environmental news sites as a final resort. I was supposed to spend two days looking over a lake report... needless to say I've read the 40 pages allotted and am sitting here dawdling. I haven't had an abundance of tasks to be completed at the PCA thus far, so it's not like I can fall back on some piece of work I was too busy to finish before.

I guess I ought to update everyone, eh? My car is most likely dying. She could be ok, but I don't think the chances are swell. She overheats, but her radiator is fine. That's never an omen of good things to come. It could be her head-gasket, it could be a cracked cylinder, or it could be a repair under the $2000 mark. My uncle, the car aficionado of the family, said cars ought to have their radiator fluid flushed from time to time. It prevents acid from building up and doing nasty things to one's engine. Apparently, my dad should've known to do this. So folks, do yourself a favor and flush that fluid! Even if My Antonia is ok for now, this could be the point at which to pass her on. I'll have a car at school (if NiNi ever bothers to writeup my permit request for the coffeehouse) for the next two years. Should I upgrade now that I've found a couple of sweetass deals? Is that selling out? At what point is it time to trade in your faithful compatriot of many happy years? I don't want to be the one to junk her. Besides, Civics are such notoriously good cars that I could easily get a lot of money to resell her, provided this head-gasket or cracked cylinder business blows over (hopefully not literally). I'm in car limbo. How is it that these vehicles become extensions of our personalities? Amanda would never dream of giving up the Cougar despite its atrocious safety and gas mileage because it's a damn cool car and it completes her music dreams. Grant loves his Blazer; like a good Buddhist, he didn't kill me when I backed into it. And then there's me. My Honda was my partner in crime: she's sleek and always dependable; has good gas mileage; was there for ever tear, peal of laughter, and explosion of loud Moulin Rouge, and I never really considered her mortality. One day or another, she'll kick the bucket. It might be kinder to both of us to pass her before I'd have to witness that day. Either way, there's something about your first car like there is about the first time you really fall in love: you take it with you wherever you go.

I feel like a toad

How much discretion should a blogger exercise? I feel like this handy little journal is an outlet for me in which to pour everything noteworthy (both good or bad)that happens. I don't try to be overly-dramatic, though I know that's a flaw inherent in myself. I ought to say nicer things about subjects like my home life, but it's really hard to half the time! Do you gloss over all the things that make you fret? I've lived in other places and I've certainly been in other homes. I think ours could improve in ambience and general comfort, but it's not anywhere near the bottom of the heap. It just is what it is. I get angry and frustrated; it just builds up with nowhere to go but here. I know every family has their problems and that some have more than their fair share. There must be others out there that have less to average everything out. My parents are well-intentioned and my mother is certainly aware of how depressed (and therefore difficult to live with) my dad can be. I guess that's all that matters. They want the best for Noah and I and they try their hardest to see it through. That's as much as any parents could do. And I in turn am trying to balance being as selfless as I can (*note: my abilities are sadly lacking) while not forgetting what I think are basic human rights when it comes to the domestic explosions that inevitably occur. I'm never perfect, or even close, but I've been trying for as long as I can remember to improve myself. I wish my parents, especially my dad, saw that so they could see that they really are doing a great job.

nothing welcomes you back to the office like a krispy kreme!

I've been up around Grand Rapids for the past three days doing lake sampling. You haul up a boat and a bunch of gear and hit lakes for about 11 hours in the day, going out to the deepest points, collecting data and samples. It was a swell time AND I learned how to drive a boat, along with a lot of other practical knowledge. I also put in 35 hours in the last 3 days, which means I only have to stay today until 1:30 and I have tomorrow off! My first weekday off since probably Easter. It feels real good. I think I'll drink spiked lemonade to celebrate [at home]. Today is treat day (always a favorite of mine) and there on the table, were Krispy Kremes. I don't want to think about calories or carbs. I just want to indulge and play the happy "I'll pretend this is good for me" game. Yum -- patriotic srinkles.

But I'll stop fancying colored bits of sugar for a moment. While up north, I couldn't help but realize how peaceful life was. The lakes are everywhere and most of them are of good quality. Driving a boat and seeing miles of blue ripples rush forward would have its appeal to even the blackest of anti-environmentalists. A lot of the towns we stopped in were quite small and conversation in the diners and cafes was fairly constricted. Still, there was a sense of being in no hurry and that's a fair tradeoff in my opinion. I was welcomed home by rush hour, hail, and rows of houses as far as the eye could see. Compared to beautiful oak savannas and naturally grown trees, it was a bit of a shock.

After that wore off, I turned to the upcoming delights of the 4th of July. For the first time in over four years, I won't have to work on the 4th. I'm positively giddy. I think I'll be in Northfield. I know that Jimmy, Meg and Grant will be, too. Is anyone else hanging around campus? I have three hours left of work... not including a lunch break. And, I've nearly finished a major project. The sky is blue. The lakes are clear. I'm a green and it's time to celebrate!

read this

Dang blogger. I attempted to be all witty with a link, but the site was malfunctioning and didn't show it had published the post or even display the link I wanted. Click on the title now, folks. It's a blurb on the situation in Iraq, the personnel chosen, the president's half a brain, and how political ideology is getting in the way of practicality. Sorry for the inconvenience!

the lemonade stand

After moping for my poor car and hating work, I've realized how many good friends of mine couldn't find a job this summer! It's crazy that intelligent, capable, and DISCIPLINED people have nothing to do because no one will offer them a position. I think that everyone should make a point of sending out apps next year in March to beat the crowd. But for this summer, Nic and I had a great idea: a lemonade stand!

Think about it! We could make MUCH better lemonade than those little tykes with their grimy hands and inferior stirring muscles! What's more, I bet that by holding up a sign that said "Fresh lemonade to keep me in college" or some such thing, everyone would stop by! I mean, you're not going door-to-door and annoying them and they'll think "awww... that's so cute!" And once they taste your gourmet lemonade, you'll put competitors out of business and become Lemonade King or Queen in your neighborhood. After you have a firm hold on the sidewalk drink industry, you can then expand into edibles, like hot dogs or veggie dogs. You'll reach your audience, believe you me! And just think, no more job applications and a fun source of income this summer. What am I doing at the PCA when I could be tapping the lemonade markey in Chanhassen?

one bad day

Argh. I hate those days when you feel like everything that could go wrong is. My car is overheating, something I had prayed it wouldn't start doing again. I had it checked out last summer and none of the obvious things were wrong with it, so that's not a good sign. This could be the end of my old girl. Jimmy stopped by last night while on his way up north to go work on the farm for the weekend. My parents thought this was "excessive" and that 10:40 is much too late. With Noah gone at camp, my parents need someone to scold for unsatisfactory behavior and as I am the only one left to tell off, the responsibility falls on me. Suddenly I seem to have regressed from the rational person who manages just fine on her own without their almighty guidance to a gawky girl who can't manage her own affairs and would stay up until all hours of the night unless forced to go to bed at a decent hour. It's hard not to feel the tiniest bit insulted because I'm so conscious of how many hours of sleep I get a night because I need to be in order to function as a relatively normal human being. Note: I do say relatively normal. It wasn't either of them that pushed me to go to the doctor to try to put a name to what was wrong with me and it feels like they're only too happy to use the CFS as a scapegoat to scold me with any time they feel it is convenient. To make matters worse I feel and look like an old shirt that has been wrung out one too many times. Every day now, when I look in the mirror, I see this blearly-eyed, extremely pale person with deep shadows under her eyes. I look ill and I don't feel much better. I certainly don't give off the aura of a competent employee. I wish I could go home (via a magic carpet that cannot overheat), take a shower, and pretend that life was great, that I liked (or could at least tolerate) my job, and that hoo-ha it's summer, time to go have fun. But alas, I've lost my genie and wishes like that don't even make the going easier.

Hobbits

I found this article on www.tolkeinonline.com and I really liked it. Most of us are wondering which road to take and quite a few are looking for romance. Thus, I thought this might be appropriate to put up. Tell me what you think.


"On Valentine's Day, better a hobbit's heart than to lust after a lord
Too many people are hoodwinked by our society's cult of romantic love.

The other day, a bunch of us in the office, Lord of the Rings fans all, were talking about our favourite characters from the book and movie. I said when I was a girl, I loved to imagine myself as Arwen, the dark-haired Elven princess.

Arwen, for those (few) who've neither read the books nor seen the movie, is the heroic beauty who sacrifices her chance at immortality in order to marry her great love, Aragorn, the handsome, brooding warrior who becomes the High King of Middle-earth.

But, as I joked with the guys here, I didn't end up as Arwen, married to Aragorn. I grew up to be Rose Cotton, married to Sam Gamgee.

That line got a good laugh in the newsroom. Rose Cotton, you see, is no elf princess. She's a short, plump hobbit, with a tendency to be bit bossy with her men-folk. Sam is her hobbit husband, a down-to-earth cook and gardener with hairy feet.

Most of the people I was talking to thought I was taking a shot at my husband. But in actual fact, I think I was really paying him the highest of compliments. As far as I'm concerned, Samwise Gamgee is the real hero of The Lord of the Rings, not Aragorn or Gandalf or Frodo.

Sam isn't a warrior by training or inclination. He isn't looking for glory or adventure.

He gets dragged into danger because of his love and loyalty for his gentle master, Frodo, the soulful hobbit who's been given the great task of destroying the Dark Lord's ring of evil.

As Frodo's squire, Sam travels all the way to heart of the Dark Lord's kingdom, battling orc-goblins, giant spiders and his own fears and frailties. He fights as bravely as any of the story's flashier knights -- more bravely, because he's no superhero with a magic sword, just an ordinary guy overtaken by extraordinary circumstances.

But his real heroism lies in his unshakeable loyalty to his best friend, and in his unshakeable loyalty to his hobbit values, his moral code.

When all the battles and quests are over, Sam returns to his prosaic hobbit life, marrying Rose, raising kids, planting trees and nurturing the community he loves.

The problem is, our culture doesn't validate the heroism of the Samwise Gamgees of this world. The romantic heroes every teenage girl is taught to pine for are the Byronic brooders like Aragorn.

But outside of books and movies, Aragorn-types are hard to come by. So, for that matter, are fantastically beautiful Arwen elf princesses.

No wonder so many people end up disappointed and disillusioned, hoodwinked by our cult of romantic love, which tells us that if we don't end up with an Arwen or an Aragorn, we have failed in the game of life.

On Valentine's Day, in particular, anyone, married or single, who doesn't have a storybook romance is all but encouraged to feel dissatisfied and cheated.

But life is not a fairy tale and love is not a myth. And this is my valentine to my husband, my Samwise Gamgee. I call him that, not because he's short and stocky and hairy-toed -- though he is. I call him that because he's brave and funny and loyal and kind, because he's a fabulous cook who makes the best fried mushrooms I've ever tasted.

He's my hero, because when our daughter breaks a toy he takes out his super-glue and puts the little pieces back together. He's my hero, because when I'm sick he makes me steaming cups of honey-lemon water and steaming pots of chicken soup and rubs my back. He's my hero, because he can roll out a pie-crust, change a tire in a blizzard and settle our little girl to sleep faster than anyone else.

Is he perfect? Far from it. About as far as I am.

Here's my advice on this St. Valentine's Day. Don't flagellate yourself if you're not embroiled in a big-screen love affair with a perfect prince or princess. Whether you're coupled or single, straight or gay, spend today celebrating the heroism of real love -- not "romance, " but the love of friends and family and community, the "ordinary" garden-variety love that conquers darkness. Don't worry about loving like an elf lord or a princess. Love like a hobbit.

And may the hair on your toes grow ever longer. "

life after high school

I realized that none of my high school friends (with the exception of Chris Mueller) bother to read my blog. Not that there is anything particularly profound in it, but they manage to read each other's Xangas pretty dang well. Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of them in a while. And I don't get the feeling that any of us are really sad about that. Maybe we're all busy, which has been my social limitation this summer, but maybe we're really just apathetic and too busy trying to sort out our own troubles to remember that "HEY, I haven't seen so and so."

John Aho mentioned that it was hard to break out of who people thought you were in high school and I must say I quite agree. I look back at myself and at pictures and I see someone who was more insecure, who was crazy and out of control and liked being that way, who was good at school and liked to be, who got noticed more but didn't listen as well, who was more outgoing and made friends more quickly, and who was just as busy, but had a lot more energy. I feel like I've mellowed. I also can't help but feel that a lot of people from home haven't realized this. I mean, we've all changed. Tim has Jessica and is much more outspoken about what he believes. John Aho goes to Carleton and is subjected to much more rigor than I think we realize. I've never met his friends there, but he goes out with them on the weekends. John K. has gotten much closer to his Gatsby ideal. He works hard, dresses well, and go after that suave gentleman aura. Amanda has given up on classes for a long time. She's done with school and is deciding to work instead. She sees a lot of more of people like her, who live in the area fulltime, than she does of the kb.qb crowd she scorns.

Maybe I'm totally wrong and seeing things from an outsider's perspective. That would only prove my point more. I think it's hard for us to see our friends outside of the box in which we met them. When I try to sit down and have deep conversations with any of my home friends, I distinctly feel that I am being neither listened to nor my opinions really being considered. They're too busy and they're not used to the Great Con me who tries really hard not to interrupt people. Still, I feel like I have more connection with these people who I've known for years and years than I do with many Oles. Am I getting shy or just unwilling to let go of the past?

Isn't college supposed to be the greatest time of your life? Why then do I read so many internet journals in which people are sad, down-trodden, feeling hopeless about job prospects or interpersonal relationships, or wonder what they're going to study/do? Are we really that different from people who went to college before us, or do you only gain that sense of "golden years" after you leave school and realize that the real world is much worse. What do we have to look forward to? Stress, more stress, and then retirement? We think that doing it all is the sign of being successful: having a great career, family, and making enough money to support the latter. I think you make sacrifices of one for the others. Maybe you have a job you like and can spend time with your family, but it doesn't pay that well. Or suppose you have a high-intensity career that gives you all the financial security you could want, but you neglect your family in the process. You could hate your job, love your family.

Where is the sense of meaning that is supposed to be found in life? Maybe what really ties me to Chaska High School, to knowledge bowl, and the people I knew there is that I felt life had more meaning way back when. And I'd like to hold onto that memory for as long as I need to search for it now. Because I feel like I ought to have it all and yet I don't because some critical, maybe spiritual, piece is missing. Maybe a lot of my troubles would be solved by a shorter work week? Maybe if we had the time to tackle them, to read, and to rest our minds and bodies, things could be different. But I think that things are different: a simple life is no long valued, but looked down upon as not having accomplished enough. I guess we're supposed to balance all these pieces like the legs of a table and maybe that's what college really is supposed to teach us. Paths cross and then weave apart again and perhaps I just need to be more open to the current.

Go My Antonia!

With hot summer weather and a lot of tedious, stop and start commuting, I was dreading filling up my tank to see what sort of gas mileage My Antonia had been getting. I was SHOCKED when I realized that my baby had gone like 215 miles on 7.15 gallons of gas. She's an old girl and literally getting 30 miles to the gallon in spite of radio and AC usage as well as some bumps and frequent accelerations. Amanda my dear friend, I love you and I love The Bitch, but as you make fun of my car, in your face! This is why Honda Civics kick ASS! Ahhh... I love my baby.

On unrelated subjects, let's see. Ah yes. I've really hurt my neck and upper back at work. The chairs are atrocious and I'm working at the computer every minute. I had to go in late to work this morning for the combined reasons of pain and generally not feeling good. It always feels sacreligious to be sick during the summer, as if you're betraying its spirit and the freedom it represents. Still, I know myself and the days of getting only 8 hours of sleep a night are catching up to me. Yes, I know that for others this would be ok. And yes, I do have moral objections to going to bed earlier than 10:20 or 10:30 with any regularity.

Tonight it's off to Northfield to hang out with the boyfriend in Thorson. I'm looking forward to the drive down. Only two and a half hours to go. I'm out of things to do at work, so I guess I'll continue educating myself on environmental issues. Happy weekend!

good read

I stole this from Grant, but as it's something everyone should read, here you all go. Yay Star Trek!

something cheerful

I decided I needed something cheerful to supplement the gloom of last post. I've realized the great thing about getting older is that you get to start over family-wise. You move out, you really have your own life, you get to start your own family. It's like a clean slate. All the sad Christmases and holidays as well as years of being lonely at night, shut up in a bedroom, not being able to ever watch TV on the couch, or listen to music, and every other unfair thing has the chance to be erased. I know what I want to avoid at all costs. I'm not perfect, no one is, but at least there's a better chance of being allowed to be happy. You're couch commando now and there's no one to tell you to go away. That's got to be an improvement. Especially if you've right person to be happy with.

9 months today!!!

MWA HA! Jimmy and I have been dating for exactly 9 months today. How exciting it is to be able to write that! I'm going down to campus tonight to celebrate. I can't wait to see him, can't wait to see the room, can't wait to just exist after work, which will probably be exhausting as usual. I should also mention that I saw Jimmy last night, too, but under very different circumstances. We had a pretty big fight at home last night and I took off to Burnsville for dinner to meet him. I don't care about the gas anymore. I'm getting a raise and there are more important things. I don't understand why my family lets things continue as they are. No one enjoys being home. Last night was all about a fridge. My fridge, to be exact. My 18th birthday present. That my Dad yearly fills with his crap. It hasn't bothered me too much thus far, that is until last night. The fridge is the last battleground. I've retained control of most things in my life: my car, computer, and now phone. There is very little my dad can impose when he gets mad and wants to flex his control. But the fridge, which lives downstairs much to my dismay, is something that technically belongs to me but isn't mine to do anything with. I was trying to find dinner and quickly. After getting a bit upset when things my parents had stashed someplace seemed to have disappeared (I'm always afraid of it going bad in a dark corner, forgotten about), a bag of quesedilla cheese making was launched at me from across half the house. It broke, making a mess of course, but the more important thing was the anger behind it being chucked. Every time when I go home, I get bitched at for doing things like that when I'm angry by none other than my dad. Things were quickly degrading and I thought to solve it once and for all, the fridge should just move upstairs for the summer until it goes back to school (I actually have space for it now!). This was unacceptable so it got sat on to prevent its removal. There are many things I'll put up with from my father, but insults and refridgerator sit-ins are just too much. I ended up running out to my car and driving away. My father stationed himself unnaturally in front of the fridge all night and now day in a HP and the Sorceror's Stone fashion. Again with the power struggle. Well, it's effectively ended now! It's a difficult time to balance the faults of your parents, your own very flawed nature, decide what's right and what's wrong, and some how come out of it all alive. I've always been an adult in their eyes, unable to make the smallest mistake without being flayed alive. And now that I actually am "grown-up", I feel more and more like a child.

just another frenzied friday

I wish it were my day! Instead, I'm at the office for the whole day, of course. At least this week has passed by more quickly than last. But the real reason I'm in a frenzy is that St. Olaf grades are due to be posted this morning. And that is enough to make my blood pressure catapult. I'm guiltily refreshing the webpage every couple minutes in the hope that a sure sign that I a) am a good student, b) deserve to consider myself a nerd and c)am not going to be chucked out of school will appear.

Still not there. What are they playing at? Do they know people all over are brooding over their grades, waiting for them to be displayed? What kind of torture are they attempting to inflict? I mean, sweet Registrar, put them up now pretty please? If they do it according to last name, then mine should be coming soon, right? Right? ... CURSES!

AH! I keep doing it, so I've closed the window and that's that. MMMMHMMM. I'll look again in a few minutes... err, hours.

Ode to a Secchi disk

Secchi disks have to be one of the greatest inventions of all time... errr... limnological time. But seriously. A whole bunch of water quality info from this one little white disk on a string. A long time ago, Mr. Secci needed to measure the clarity of the Mediterranean Sea for one of the popes and he invented this happy little beast. What's more is that making Secchi disks today got me out of the office for a whole 5 hours!!! I get to go home in only 3 hours and it's been the best day of work so far. Today, we made 15 shnazzy, proto-type Secchi disks. Usually, they're quite heavy so that one can get an accurate reading of water clarity. As you lower it into the water, the moment at which the white disk is no longer visible is the Secchi depth. The string is marked with paint pens (which I successfully avoided getting all over my white shirt!) so you round the depth off to the closest foot as marked on the string. However, backpacking through the BWCA presents a challenge to the avid lake-monitorer. One cannot simply lug a several pound Secchi disk about. Instead, a man here designed a new one, made of durable plastic, with a net pouch attached. One simply adds rocks to the pouch and voila! The portable, yet potent, Secchi disk is born and one may monitor freely! We even got to model their use. Jimmy, the bracelette you gave me is making its debut all over MN as my hand casually adds rocks to the pouch. I got to go out to lunch today, too. Again, Secchi disks are one of the greatest inventions.

Ned's here!

Finally -- human contact! Ned Brooks, who resides in the cubicle across from mine, is back from a work-related trip to South Africa!!! It's exciting to have another living soul nearby. It's really a shame that I'm so tired every day that I can't keep my head up. I literally go to bed at 10:30 every night and get up at 6:30 -- that's a whole 8 hours! I don't know what else to do. My body is clearly saying "you're working me too hard" but that's sort of a problem with the whole internship thing. How do people like me balance this? There must be someone out there who is fatigued and works an office job! Maybe they don't have to commute as much? Still -- I'm on the lookout for anti-exhaustion ideas or tips. If you have any, do comment.

car bashings, etc.

This weekend had some downs. Me backing into Grant's car accidentally was definitely a big one. Of course he graciously told me it was ok (like I knew he would 'cause he's just that nice) but I still felt Stupid with a capital S about it. Gotta look into getting that one undented. I also bashed in the back of My Antonia. Damn with a capital D. Poor baby. Stupid owner. Still, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And what's more, a lot of things aren't as bad as they could be by any means.

The job. Well, the commuting is a pain in the ass and pushed me from mental exhaustion to complete physical exhaustion as well. Still, it's not that bad. It's very tedious and monotonous work, but I'm sure I'll be happy that the MPCA is air-conditioned come July. And, it looks like I'll at least be in the field once or twice so that's something. What's more, it's a slight ego boost that I can do this job. As far as the report writing goes, I've learned a lot in high school and some at St. Olaf and by God, my worst fear that I'd be totally incompetent has passed. I might need to cut back on hours as the CFS stuff worsens, but for now I'll just bear having to go to bed at 10:30 (pathetic) every night and save my social life for the weekends.

The weekend! Jimmy came to visit! YAY! I had tons of fun with him, just as always. We went bed shopping with my mom (because my sad little bed has nearly all of it's supports broken) and ended up finding a similarly metal headboard, but much older looking bed AND bought a frame and boxspring to go with it. He also helped my destress, organize my mess of assorted CDs, movies, and books. It was in short, the ideal weekend.

Amanda! I saw her FINALLY. Sheesh. It took me long enough. But it's splendid to see her, even if we are in very different places.

My room! It will be livable, so help me God. It's a tiny room, yes. It's a full room, as one is bound to be when the college stuff moves back in. But you know what? It can be cleaned! It will be rearranged. And I am just the girl to do it... on a weekend.

See all these lovely things to be happy about, to find refuge in. I just need to keep reminding myself when I'm feeling ready to throw in the towel. :)

what makes a career worthwhile?

I was always under the impression that in order to have a worthwhile occupation, you would do something related to what you liked to study. However, I'm not so sure about that. A lot of things that you love to read and think about make for frustrating jobs, as I'm finding out. I love being outside and cleaning up the Earth, but the desk job at the MPCA isn't ... really my thing. However, I really love the coffeehouse and I never tire of that job no matter what. Now honestly, how does that work? Even if my friends never came to visit, I'd love it. Shouldn't it be the other way around, that the more challenging, scientific internship beats out the college work study job? I think it takes a lot more to be satisfied at work than prestige or academic pursuits. If you can't really get the satisfaction of making anyone's day better through the work you do, then I find that I'm not really feeling satisfied with the job either. I think in the end, go to college, learn, find things you like to do and graduate. THEN, think about what you want to do, even if it has nothing to do with anything. I can always take hikes or monitor lakes for fun, but I doubt that I'd feel content devoting my life to it.

MPCA and marriage

Two huge things happened this week.

For starters (as a lot of you know), I began my first "real world job". Actually I think I may be the first one of us all to actually have a real office, cubicle, work environment, etc. job except for maybe Wendy.

And that brings me to number two:

Wendy's getting married... this August.

My Wendy! MARRIED! I wondered when this would happen (and I rightly guessed when we told me she had exciting news for me) but I didn't think I'd be in such shock. Happy shock, mind you. Wendy is wonderful and BYU boys are all nice, responsible, caring and older, thus they are at the point in life during which one intends to marry. I mean, he's 24 -- because good Mormon boys go on missions for 0.5-2 years -- and having just graduated will be going to med school. And Wendy is giving up the single life of living with "the girls" in her moral, bachelorette pad to marry him, to change her name, leave her apt., friends and possibly even BYU to follow him. Is this "bacheloretter" than waiting a year?

BYU operates, from all that I understand of this mysterious place, on a different time scale than the rest of the U.S. People get married to other members of the church in college and this is perfectly normal. I can't help but compare this to St. Olaf, where it's kosher to wait at least until the day after graduation to tie the knot. But, are these two religious schools that different? Here Wendy is, 20 years old, about to marry a fiance she's been dating for not even six months. And then there's me planning to marry the guy I've been dating for 9 months. I guess it's a fair point that Jimmy and I will NOT be doing any marrying in the next two years, thus extending the courtship period into the "acceptable" length of time that one tests the waters. I have to wonder, what would it be like if we all were getting married right now? It seems like there's so much to do and to learn and many mistakes to make before you "settle down." But people didn't always believe this needed to happen while single. In fact, to many it's perfectly acceptable to go through these life experiences with someone else at your side. It's like a safety net.

This whole marriage thing is Scary with a capital S. I hope Wendy feels she's making the right decision (which I know she does), that everything goes off without a hitch, and that my time won't come for a blissfully long while.

From a lonely cubicle

Sigh. I was really excited for this internship, but day one has been anything but eventful and I have been counting down the hours since I got here. I am sitting alone. In a cubicle. Reading various Lake Assessment Programs. Alone. With nothing else to occupy my time. Can you say Office Space? Man. This is supposed to be meaningful, experiential work, but I am longingly thinking of my lovely little Coffeehouse in Larson Hall where work is never dull and other human beings dare to speak to you. I was supposed to get some data to analyze, but thus far nada except a hundred pages on Lake Assessments in Itasca and Cook Counties. Hey -- "expect" is like "except" EXCEPT for the c and the p are reversed. Cool!

OMG... Did I actually just write that? I think I've hit rock bottom and am cracking completely. Well. I better go partition the end of my food to last me. So f*ing hungry.

peace and rain

I marvel at how wonderful it is to be on campus when most people have already left. It's a tranquil Wednesday night and the rain is falling outside my window onto some much needed earth. I also marvel at how good it feels to have a nearly-empty room. Right now, 501 Larson is clean and open and I just feel at peace inside of it. There is little clutter, no posters or bits of paper tacked to the walls. It's like the man-made image of nature. I only wish Jimmy was still around! It's lovely to have some time to think and be peaceful, but I know I'll have a lot of quiet nights this summer after work and I wish I could just be with him for right now. I talked to him on the phone, so that's some consolation. But still, perhaps there's a sweet calm to this melancholy that makes it much easier to bear than the confinement of home. I could live like this for months on end.

cursed superego!

I think I've figured out what my problem is! I have an overactive superego! I'm way too rule-conscious with other people ("oh, that's not polite!") -- blah blah, so who cares? No one will suddenly hate you if you're not on your best behavior. I think my superego is my parents! Guilt, catholicism, academia, being "perfect" and "good" all time. My superego is the messed up one, I should just not worry! While I love Freud, I do have a bone to pick with him: I don't think that your entire personality is formed by the age of 5! Look at me! Until age 5, serious parental depression was out of the picture! It was after age 5 that that set in and I got pretty messed up hearing all kinds of traumatic things, like what a bad kid I was. So honestly Mr. Freud, sheesh! J/k. It's ok. Everyone has history. Sometimes it's just really crippling, that's all. Anyway, thus ends my con-prompted ponderings. :) Nighty night all you Freudian sex fiends!

HAHAH! Houston, we have TITLE!

Mwa hahahah! Blogger rocks my world. I decided to boycott studying for a bit longer in order to check out my potential blog possibilities. Y'all can comment and such. How exciting! It's time to bite the bullet (or perhaps the contralto mouthpiece?) and get ready for jury, finals, and other such important events in the next day or two. Good luck everyone!

itunes!

My computer got a facelift! I'm so proud! It's all beautiful with Mozilla and itunes! I'm excited to perhaps clean up some of the junk I've got about... :) yay!!!

Lauren = slacker

Halloa! I feel like a bit of a slacker for taking a 12 day blog break, but ah well.

Exciting things have happened! I have an internship! It's at the MN Pollution Control Agency and I'll be all over the state take lake water samples to analyze and look for trends in MN water quality. It should be fun, but it'll be mighty tricky to figure out how I will a) commute, b) balance my time between Chanhassen and Northfield and manage to get from place to place with gas prices, c) squeeze in orgo someplace since i won't be taking classes this summer.

What else... hmmm... it's getting to be that time -- moveout! My neighbors on the 5th floor have all began to move boxes around and have their parents take loads of stuff home and here I sit with a lot stuff to pack up and put into cockroach-infested Mellby storage. This, my friends, is why we invented plastic! Six storage containers ought to fit a lot! Hopefully? Haha... ummm... yeah. Now it's off to the last class of the year. Craziness.

Hmmm... this is going to be a terribly deep and thoughtful post, but I want to list the delicious movies (yes, I said delicious) I've seen lately that I highly recommend.

Big Fish -- The movie floats by like a dream, with the same bizarre characters and settings, but it's hilarious and absolutely tear-provoking in places. At the end, you feel that life is worth living and one must strive to understand it all. Moreover, Ewan McGregor is hott. With two "t"s.

Love Actually -- This movie has been on in our room too many times to count in the last week. It starts by saying love actually is all around and by god, it makes its case well. There are too many fine Brit actors to count (Colin Firth! Colin Firth? Colin Firth!!!!) and the various stories all interweave nicely.

Finding Nemo -- Disney and Pixar should always make movies. Or rather, Pixar should go all dominatrix and make Disney its bitch. I love this movie! Everyone loves this movie! That's reason enough, besides the way cool marine ecosystems and talking specimens one enounters while watching.

Star Wars -- Go for the classics, go for the gold. Honestly, that's the pinnacle of our favorite galaxy far, far away, though Yoda's lightsaber scene in Ep. II kicked some major ass. Still, nothing beats Sir Alec Guiness, banter between Leia and Han, an animatronic Yoda with bedhead, and Mark Hamil's only real acting roles.

Lord of the Rings -- Who in their right mind wouldn't love these movies with an open heart? They're like one giant orgasm with everything you could ever want in your life. Wow. Go Peter Jackson. Go hobbits. Them's the best darn films y'all'll (?) find round these parts. Seriously.


Other ones I need to buy: American Beauty, Chocolat, Matrix Revolutions (or the original for that matter), Office Space, but these are all classics, at least in my book.


And now I'm done. I hope you've enjoyed this lovely regression -- Have a good evening!

Wow! I just wasted many minutes of my life with this sad but strangely enticing game: happy battings!

Though sadly the curator of this site cannot spell "penguin" nor will the blogger let me actually add a link (alas!), so copy and paste and it's worth your time.

http://home.tele2.fr/kcv/pinguin.swf

I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you love that well that you're sick? I can't stop crying, but I've realized that a lot of people don't know what's going on with me and I ought to tell them. I feel like I've unintentionally hurt feelings by being sensitive about things like getting enough sleep, finding a place to sleep, being exhausted, or getting sick a lot. If you were one of them, I'm really, really sorry. Ever since having mono in high school, I noticed that I didn't have a good immune system and I never seemed to feel rested. It got a lot worse when I came to college, so that it is hard for me to sleep at night, much less get enough sleep, and be able to feel healthy and go to class. It was getting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. About a thousand visits and blood tests, we ruled out everything and I had enough symptoms to get the loose diagnosis of "chronic fatigue syndome." Basically, my body doesn't sleep the way other people's do. No matter how much sleep I get, I don't wake up feeling good or rested. If I get less than 8 or 9 a night (which is hard with 8am classes), I feel nauseous and dizzy sometimes to the point of not being able to sit or stand. I usually have a headache and just going through the motions of a normal day completely wipes me out. It's hard to get through college and work and activities like band and still do well, but I'm trying. I think I can lead a normal life as long as I'm careful, but I just want everyone to know what's going on. I know we all have problems that are difficult to deal with, but it feels good to get all this out finally. Anyway... it's time to sleep. :) Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really known what to write. It's been a really difficult week for me CFS-wise because of the tests, sleep hazards, and the eco lab in the rain. I wish I could just normally deal with homework and school and have a normal amount of feeling sick and being dizzy and exhausted, but that's just not possible. I want to not get frustrated when I feel like people don't get it, but sometimes I find myself getting mad, like it's just not fair. I need to get over it, I know.

And so here comes ponderance numero deux:
It's true that your upbringing has a lot of effect on your personality. I feel like a lot of things about how I was raised were wonderful: I know what it means to work hard, to be frugal, to disappear into your imagination, to love the Earth and the creatures within it, and have been encouraged in all things academic. However, I feel like I didn't learn how to be happy, how to be totally honest with people close to me without worrying that they would take advantage of vulnerabilities, how to feel confident in myself, or how to just live without worrying about something or feeling sad about something. All these need to be relearned and some things simply put into the past. I am having trouble doing this! I wish I could go back to what my nature was before things got bad at home and start over, but I know I'd be a different person and that would be no good. Oh well -- what's the point of life if not to travel from the person you used to be to the one you will become?

Well... time to go to work. :) Happy evening all!

Hmmmm... Easter was lovely. Had a great time at Jimmy's, like I always do. I feel more free away from home and academics both. However, the start of class again smacked me upside the head. Four hours on the lab paper from hell not counting many more hours spent in lab. It'll be about two days until I am in my room to relax. Oh well. The band is performing at MENC and off I go!

However, the best part of today was undoubtedly roomdraw because I am going to be an RA IN MELLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited for training that it's sad! :)

So, that's all for tonight -- time to cram a chemistry assignment into my rehabilitation moments before bed.

I was napping before our French petite examen but I'm afraid that I just cannot ignore some hunger pangs and it's time to munch. Cheese and crackers a wonderful part of existence. I know I've babbled on about them two posts ago, but honestly, YUM! I think I would be content roaming around outside with friends, sleeping under trees, and eating hunks of bread, meat and cheese as meals forever.... just like Robin Hood! I remember reading the full and arduously difficult version of "The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" when I was younger. It was so thick and difficult that it was all my reading points for the whole quarter. But I never forgot that idea of freedom... just to be outside, to live simply, and to follow just and noble causes. What decadence have I been living since then? I think that college is (and is rightfully so) an inherently selfish time because it's all about you. You pursue your own education, tastes, and pursuits and hopefully these are tempered and at the end you emerge as a butterfly of sorts. Still, I always feel I'm missing something large and vast and that I can just barely taste it to know it's there yet still outside my grasp. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's freedom, maybe it's just as simply as some truly free time. But it's out there and that's what matters.

This was a great weekend. The band concert went well. I read outside. I spent some quality time with the Jimmy. I talked with my roommate. I went into town with the Megan. I didn't leave all my homework for Sunday. I saw my mom and my brother. And now I'm going to talk with friends, do some chemistry and feast on tea and a poptart. Yum yum.

Friday!

I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers. In an hour, the Jimmy is going to show me all the food and plans he's been concocting for our "Six Months Observed" festivities. I love Fridays! On what other day of the week do you get forced to be productive and then are rewarded with relaxation and the prospect of a whole weekend??? Mmmm... blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.