feeling contemplative

Do you ever wonder if the whole way you think and view the world around you is terribly skewed? Every so often (ok, so I'm lying, it's about every week) I get into some psychological rumble with myself. Am I seeking truth or just playing at sophistry?

Typical rumble-esque self dialogue:
When we're younger, American culture paints a beautiful picture: you're unique and special -- you can be or do anything you want. As you get older, however, the internal message switches to survival of fittest: work hard, out compete your fellow citizens, find the drive in yourself to win that good grade, job, game. We aren't celebrated for our differences anymore and you have to wonder if we ever really were. But then there are always exceptions and I think those are the people who are driving the evolution of our culture. You can always being accepting and tolerant of those around you. Actually, it's even better to do more... you could actually appreciate those quirky people you run into each day. I think there's a stigma that you and your friends should all have similar tastes, interests and lifestyles. I see it in my little brother, who's afraid to do things that his friends don't approve of. One of the great things about friendships is how much new stuff you get to experience (and not just in that hallucenogenic drug way) via one another.

Sometime in the last four years, I gave up dreaming. Not in the REM way, but in the idealistic, "this is what I want to happen in my life and I'm not afraid to think it'll come true." It might have been failed romance or reading more literature or things at home or going away to school or maybe even the chronic fatigue which slowly set in starting about four years ago. I think that really, the combination of these things led me to self doubt which then turned into self doubt. Did I really deserve a fairy tale happy ending? Was I extraordinary enough to leave the world a better place than when I found it? Was I even right about anything? (Here is where truth vs. semantics came from). Did I just over analyze everything? I started to see other adults with families and jobs that became so wrapped up in the mundane details of life that they forgot what it was about in the first place. Once you're aware of this phenomenon, it's hard not to become infected with it. Thus, it is time for change.

I really, really don't want to stop dreaming or hoping that what I'm doing with myself will make a difference. I think I am going to institute dreams on Mansfield... even if they're outlandish ones, who cares, I'll have fun writing them and one of my friends will have fun reading them.

Dream #1: I get to work fairly high up (eventually) on some lovely humanitarian organization that finds homes/jobs for people struggling in rural America.

Dream #2: I clean up my bedroom and don't get tired/angry in the process. Better yet, I sleep in a hammock and save floor space for my new fort. haha, j/k

Dream #3: I invest in a beautiful new digital camera that can take b&w, sepia, negative, night shots WITH a quick flash, decent resolution and an optical zoom.

Dream #4: Bocce on Mellby lawn. Enough said. Bocce kicks ass AND it's Italian.

Dream #5: Graduate from college with grades that I am not ashamed of. Get to play Buffet Bass Clarinet in SOB. Oh yeah.