Budapest

Hi everyone... I'm off to Budapest tomorrow to see Jimmy for the first time in months. I'm a bit anxious about the logistics of getting there and back alone, but I can't wait to see him!!! What a wonderful (and impromptu) spring break!!! I'll be back in Chanhassen on the 24th, so I can see family and friends. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday from school, whenever it may be!! Much love.

i thank You God for most this amazing day

i thank You God for most this amazing day

e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how could tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any – lifted from the no
of all nothing – human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

RAND BABY!

Next year, I will be the student hall coordinator of Rand Hall.

I'm so excited! I can't believe I actually got the job! Senior year will rock my face off!

the scarf

The scarf I am knitting is truly a thing of majesty.

At least, it's more majestic than anything I've created lately. While adding inches to it over the past few nights, it occured to me how representative of my life with Jimmy it is. Our relationship was a long time in the making, like the scarf I've been devoting all my spare moments to. Once going, the scarf's stitches are even and regular (of which I'm REALLY proud since this is attempt #1) -- they interlock with one another like moments in time, some better made than others, but each depending upon the previous stitches and supporting the next ones. The very best stitches would be nowhere without some variation. Its color is a secret right now to Jimmy, but I will hint that it is deep and beautiful and timeless. This whole creation has come to be something I depend on greatly -- consolation after a hard day, my companion during good times with friends, and a constant reminder of love and my wonderful boyfriend who is thousands of miles away. And, the scarf is huge; it keeps going and going. When it is finished, it will be worn to provide warmth and comfort. Its story will change from a work in progress to a masterpiece whose tale has just begun.

It's only 12 days until I leave to deliver this gift to its new owner... I can't wait! I'm on pins and [knitting] needles.

green design

As a continuation from last semester's St. Olaf landscape project, I've been thinking a lot about the design of our campus. Environmental issues weren't really on the radar when Holland or Mellby were built, but the structures still incorportate a lot of light, are inviting, inspire intellectual activity (this is mostly attributed to the Norman Gothic architectural style of this building era), and are solid pieces of architecture.

Wendell Berry gave these critera for intelligent and ecological building design:
*right scale
*simplicity
*efficient use of resources
*close fit between means and ends
*durability
*redundance (as in there are backup systems in case something goes wrong)
*resilience

Are these characteristics exemplified in our campus buildings?

What about Buntrock Commons which makes an effective use of natural lighting, carpet squares that can be easily replaced, cleaned, and reused, durable furniture and building materials (e.g. limestone is much more durable than brick and was once produced locally), but it very grandiose and perhaps too ambitious for a campus center? Is it an efficient use of resources for the college? Will the new Science Center be well-designed? What about the older buildings? Holland Hall, Old Main, Mellby Hall, Rolvaag Library? Do these exemplify good design values?
What kind of impression does our overall campus plan (look, placement, landscaping) have on visitors and students?

I'm very curious to see what you all think...

and now it's time for our staff update!

This will have to be short since "A Sand County Almanac" is calling me to bed... to read in bed!!! It's a favorite pastime of mine to curl up under the covers and enjoy a good book.

In the last few days, I have:
-decided to go for the SHC position
-written 7 (yes, 7) papers including a long outline for a presentation and an even longer application to be an SHC
-written recommendations for my excellent friends so that they too may partake in the goodness that is student staff
-hosted an Un-Birthday Party for Mellby with my fellow RAs... it was quite the soiree and I ended up with a "Playdough" award from the Hall Council for my ability to make event happen
-smashed it up (SSB: Melee) and actually won a few times against the avid gamers of Mellb
-listened to a lot of John Adams
-eaten a considerable amount of chocolate (white, milk, dark, truffle, kiss, toblerone, hot, etc.)
-let my room get "Past the Point of No Return" (only Phantom fans will get that)... but not in that good panty change way!
-had my SHC interview which I actually think went pretty damn well
-learned more new things about myself (my one big breaking of quiet hours with my residents!)
-gotten really excited at the prospect of more res life staff-age next year
-considered dropping my terrible feminist theology class
-bought Grant and myself t-shirts in honor of V-Week: mine says "I heart Vaginas"
-finally had a moment to chill out and thus the blog update

I think that's all from my side of things.... I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I'll be going home to read for the Chaska Invite and frolic with good friends in Chan on Friday eve. I can't wait! Ciao for now.....

I love my floor

Tonight we sang Disney songs to one another while talking about Gerry, LOTR, the craziness that is my room, my SHC application, and breaking quiet hours. Oops! I love my floor so much. I almost wish I could wrap myself in the warmth of these wonderful people and remember that, even when things might get sad, things like friendship and love break all boundaries. What if I hadn't been in Mellby this year? My life would be less rich for not knowing the girls I'm priviledged live with. I love you all.

what to do?

This post is looking for advice:

I am not sure whether to apply for a Senior Resident Assistant position next year or for a Student Hall Coordinator position.

As an SRA I would be doing a very similar job to what I'm doing now. I could try to live in Mellby next year, the building I've loved even more than my house at home. There's a chance I wouldn't make it in, but there's a chance I would. I know I could do a great job.

As an SHC, I couldn't live in Mellby. I would be in a higher leadership position, helping to actually run a hall and I'd get $500 more. I would get place probably into either Larson or Rand (neither of which I could love like Mellby). It would be more of a challenge but it might break my heart not to be where I really love.

What do I do!? More prestige in a strange building? What's comfortable and warm? Comments appreciated.

a room of one's own

There's something infinitely calming in a room of one's own. Mellby 312 is an absolute mess at the moment but after a week and a half touring, it's a welcome break to be alone. Classes are very difficult this semester but the subject matter is so interesting that I don't really care. My "Saving Wild Places" prof is a young woman. We call her Emily... it's inpsiring to have someone so young and knowledgeable and fun! It makes me think that I can do anything I'd like. Before, I wasn't so sure that I wanted an environmental career but this semester is already showing me that I think in terms of nature and our relationship to it. I'm so glad I switched ES tracks. This is the most fun I've ever had with classes in college! I think I'll keep taking more ES courses next year, even if I don't need them. I'm not sure about Feminist Theology yet. The readings haven't really inspired me the way reading Grass Roots by Paul Gruchow (who lives here in Northfield but is a nationally acclaimed writer) has. Ah well. There's plenty still to study so perhaps Feminism will spark something in me. Right now we're on the more theological, radical side and that gets dull after about a page.

Recently, I've been trying to change the whole philosophy by which I live my life. I've been taking a lot more time to think about the way I move from place to place, how I greet people, the way I read, how conscious I am of what I eat, and generally the pace by which I live. Usually, I am rushed and in a hurry and always stressed out. When people ask how I am, the best response is usually "ok". But, as a new project of sorts, I am doing everything more deliberately from taking a bite of food to knitting to talking on the phone with Jimmy. To live in the moment seems a precious and worthwhile pursuit. I have never appreciated college more and though I'm not as happy as I could be (what with Jim far away) there's this sort of inner peace that seems to keep me going. Is it zen? Is it simply "being here now" or just a heightened state of consciousness? I'm not sure... but I can say that there is something truly wonderful about a simple, peaceful existence. Simplicity is yet to come but the tranquility is coming slowly.

band tour postlude

Did you know it was colder in TX this past week than it was in MN? Another charming bit brought to you by global warming. It seems the currents are getting stranger and stranger and everyone's weather is being turned upside down. On the upside of this down, it means that coming back to MN wasn't too much of a shock. Another good reason to be back is that now nearly everyone is on campus. Jacob is back -- Meg was here starting in Jan, but it still feels novel to have her around. The tour was a huge chunk of time, but contained some of the best bandie bonding time ever. I didn't expect to, but I really miss the band people!!!!!! I do NOT miss the 8 hour bus days... After tour it's nice to be back in a more normal, less mobile place. Suddenly my floor is hopping with the sounds of people giggling and catching up, though I have the unfortunate job of telling everyone to be quiet after 10pm. The hall is finally starting to quiet down... it's good to be back in Mellby where I feel comfortable and at ease.

I am still keeping in close touch with Jimmy. I can't believe he's as far away as he is! Like everyone else on campus that gets to catch up with people now that the new semester has started, I keep expecting to see him. But alas, unlike all the happy, hugging people, I won't see him for quite some time. At least there's a fabulous eastern europe spring break trip to look forward to! w00t! It's Noah's birthday today -- he's 15. He just keeps getting bigger, it's insane. He got a gen 3 ipod for his birthday. So now he's more gadgeted than I what with his nifty camera and such. I think I'll peek for digital cameras on Craig's List. Canon=my secret camera lover.

TOMORROW NIGHT IS THE ST. OLAF BAND HOME CONCERT! Don't be a square, get your bum down there! :)

fun with the sorting hat!

You scored as Gryffindor. You have been sorted into Gryffindor! You're brave, loyal, and perhaps a little short tempered- if someone says or does something you don't like, you'll make sure they know- and everyone else too- regardless of the consequences. Gryffindor 100% Hufflepuff 65% Ravenclaw 60% Slytherin 25% The Hogwarts Sorting Hat! created with QuizFarm.com

the year in review

Stacey did something nifty on her blog: she took the first sentence (or in my case phrase since I'm a damn incoherent girl) of the first post of each month and combined them. 2004 at Mansfield Park looks something like this:

Jan: Damn computer -- has lost like three of my attempted bloggings in the last week
Feb: Mmmmmhmmmm... it's good to be home. But let me say, that was a damn fine tour.
Mar: So, I've been reading my ecology book faithfully all semester.
Apr: Friday! I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers.
May: I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking.
Jun: from a lonely cubicle
Jul: nothing welcomes you back to the office like a krispy kreme
Aug: I am 20! I remember reading in Anne of Green Gables that once you turn 20, your character was fixed...
Sept: I'm so glad I did this! Thus far, RA training has been a great week.
Oct: I AM the Big Bang as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently.
Nov: Hell in a Handbasket: After four years of making fun of Bush, everything from his IQ to his inability to speak coherent English to the mock Texas accent he somehow inherited from his New England relatives, how is it possible that the majority of Americans decided he was the one best suited to lead the country?
Dec: Hey it's me. So we've been planning Nic's memorial service...

Wow, last year saw me travelling the world, changing rooms (a much larger ordeal than you might think), dropping a major, getting diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, living in a cubicle, becoming an RA, trying to do waaaay too much, getting incredibly pissed that Bush was reelected, and losing a good friend. I looked at the corner of my little white board today and saw where I had written Nic's new number and then hidden it when I found out he had died. There were so many huge changes and realizations that I was hardly aware of until they had passed. Still, after all of it, I'm glad to be where I am but I wouldn't want to relive the year. It's good to be moving forward.

blerg

Jimmy's gone to Budapest and gotten then safely. I'm trying not to be a total dingus about calling a stuff, but I wish I could hear from him. He doesn't have a regular schedule so the one time he's called I missed it and every other time he's meant to call apparently hasn't worked out. No emails, no talking. I wish I could say he was just a phone call away but I don't even have their number. I talked to Jimmy's mom today on the phone which was good -- it was nice to talk to someone going through the same things. I've been pretty much wandering around with a nasty feeling in my stomach and not really sure of where I'm going. I'm sure this will all get better and bearable but right now that doesn't seem to be much consolation.

the digitized question game!

1. Ask me any 5 questions you like in reply to this post and I will answer your questions honestly in comments.

2. Post this to your blog so that myself and others can also ask you questions.

part II

Jimmy the wonderboy has signed a contract to not drink beer or hard liquor while gone. He will drink wine (you HAVE to in Europe) but only in moderation. I think he realized that he was losing control of himself (see earlier post) and that it was time to make sure he didn't start to go down the alcoholic path (which is a slippery slope if you're predisposed like he is). He just decided to lay off. I'm impressed -- that's the guy I love. The past week has had its rough moments but the good has so far outshone the bad that I think we'll be ok for the next five months. Better than ok. No worries, Grant.

damn romance

My interim classics course in Ovid is teaching me that, if nothing else, romance nearly always goes badly. No matter how in love (or lust) you are, happy endings in the Metamorphoses are rare and I'm wondering if the Greeks and Romans weren't on to something. We have the BEST intentions (what could be better than to love someone and be happy together?) and things still get messy. Jimmy's visiting for the week and it's been a bit rocky. He's gone off and done some drinking (of which I don't approve being an RA type) on the majority of nights. I talked to him about it and he did more. AH! Technically, if I know there's drinking in a room, I have to report it. I really don't want to smell alcohol on his breath night after night. This was one of the things I loved about him -- that he was above the habitual drinking shit of college. Genetically, he has tendencies toward alcohol abuse (being Native American) so he's going to lay off of the hard liquor and beer while he's gone. Which is great, but it doesn't solve this past week which should've been fabulous (he's not studying and just here to see people? come on! that's paradise for a college student). He's leaving in exactly one week from today (almost down to the minute) and going home to get ready in a couple of days..... Time is ticking and a curall that would erase all these hurt feelings has to be the one thing Target doesn't sell. Damnit.

kicking back with St. Olaf

Damn, it's cold on campus! But, it's damn good to be back.

Details of break: I got sick on Christmas Day night and it lasted until NEW YEAR's Eve. I tried to visit Jimmy after Christmas and came down with a 103 fever so my parents had to come all the way up to Askov to get me. He was super sweet, though. I spent the subsequent days at home trying to sleep and relax and get better. I got to see the PHANTOM with Jennifer and Anna on Wed night and it was delicious fun. I came back and collapsed. I went out to dinner with the girls from home on Thurs (and ate pizza doused in mushrooms). Finally on Friday, things were better -- Jimmy came down and we had some fun at Justin's house with the gamecube. We've played cards and had fun and now we're back at school. He's here for a week before going back and getting ready to leave. I'm trying not to think about that.

Ahhh... so now, it's time for the wonderful laidbackness of interim. Tonight I've eaten pizza in the lounge, watched Sex and the City, talked with Cathy and Jennifer, put on lotion, and taken a shower. Yeah. Happy New Year.

the limestones

I was hanging around the Admin building today finishing some last minute errands:
*new parking permit (which I didn't have to pay another $150 for!!! w00t!)
*finishing course eval from afore-mentioned missed final
*waiting for the Fin. Aid people to get back from lunch so I could drop off coffeehouse paperwork
While I was waiting around, I stopped to look at the limestone walls. I didn't used to like the look of the campus but after writing a bazillion pages about the limestone, I decided to take a closer look. It was remarkable: the way all the different stones magically fit together, all the strange textures and colors. I had never really appreciated limestone for how flawed and yet perfect it was. Kind of like St. Olaf itself. Or the art projects I've been working on lately and their randomness. Or Jimmy and I. Well, it's better late than never to finally see things for how they are: wonderfully flawed.

who forgets their final!?

Ok, not quite. I forgot to go to my "final" which was really filling out course evals. But still. Sometimes I even surprised myself with stupidity. I'd like to say that I'm getting ready to go home and blah blah blah, but I've still got two days here at school. To celebrate, I took the cheese container from the coffeehouse (which would otherwise rot over break) and am going to make myself nachos. The last final is in 15 mins so I figure I can turn on carols with my door open again. I'm a slacker RA. Actually, I have to be a non-slacker! There are literally 20+ room changes happening on my floor (out of 40 something people). I think my floor is setting the campus-wide record. Take that graduating seniors in Ytterboe! Anyway, it has just occured to me how quickly break will go by (which is probably good considering I'll be dreading Jimmy leaving). When I get home, I'll do some last minute shopping. Then we're all going out for John Aho's bday (hope I can find vegetarian food at the Greek restaurant). Then it's Christmas! The day after, I'll head up to Jimmy's house for a couple of days. Then I'll be back to have a sleepover (I feel so teenage!) with Jennifer and Anna to oggle Gerry Butler as Phantom. Then it's New Years and Jimmy's back. So, I think it'll be a safely good holiday. I'm going to try to do some beading -- maybe I can convine Amanda to do it with me! :) Yay. I'm so excited for the holidays!

approaching the critical point

That "critical point" would be my temp and pressure are reaching explosive levels.

Disclaimer: I apologize if I've been short tempered with anyone reading this.

I know this is a busy time for everyone. We all have classes that require papers, presentations, projects and exams of us. However... I don't know anyone else who's in a top ensemble, is an RA (no offense to JCs, but try being on duty 6 of 8 nights in a row) and helping advise their hall council, and trying to keep track of a functioning business on top of these normal academic duties. I'm not saying that less busy people are luckier than me or that I envy their freedom. What I am saying is that I wish these people would stop complaining loudly in front of me about how hard their life is "ohh, I have so much work to do -- pity me even though I spent last night getting really drunk." You just want to smack something when you're expected to be sympathetic to this.

Ok, I'm done ranting. I've actually been really productive writing my mega-paper this weekend. After about... oh, 25 hours of serious writing after weeks of research, I'm proud that I'm nearly done! It means I haven't gone out and done anything since Thanksgiving Break, but ah well.

On a much happier, more cheerful note, Jimmy decided to take it upon himself to clean my disastrous room last night at 1am. Instead of boxes, papers, and clothing everywhere, he organized, folded and put everything away. It's sooo wonderful in the room now! I can't thank him enough. Last night's Mellby Holiday Party was a TON of fun. People enjoyed the gifts, s'mores, and ice cream. Paul and Casey performed a fabulously amusing rendition of "The Night Before Christmas." It was the best thing I'd done in weeks and certainly helped motivate me to work on my paper. I think Sex and the City: season 4 just came [FINALLY]. I hope my DVD player decides to start working by the time I get it tomorrow!