Well, I've waited good and long until my mood improved before posting another such horrid blog entry. I think I must be depressing the rest of the world along with me. No matter. There's nothing that can keep me down right now because St. Olaf is filling up with students again. Empty sidewalks, commons, dorms no more: people are moving back in and it's lovely -- people who haven't seen each other in far too long. Everyone has travelled or done something extraordinarily fun and it's great to hear about each and get hugs, hugs and more hugs. I remembered to pick up my chemistry books, though ecology will have to wait until tomorrow because the post office is closed. That's ok, better to have too few books in one's backpack than too many. I'm looking around my room and thinking "ah! what a mess!" I think it might be time to put in a good CD and kick back with some reorganizing. Indeed. Tonight will be dinner, trucking and then some work in the storage room. Nice to get back to all these. I'm looking out the window and realizing how lucky I am to be here! Snowy and cold (don't I know after walking into town last night with Jimmy) though very beautiful, but here I am typing away in my nice, toasty sauna. Mmm hmmm. Good for the crabbers, who are in a lovely new aquarium with many new shells, rocks, sponges, and bits of food. It's like a crabby palace, really. Old plastic fishtanks are good for such things. I think I am going to scrounge up some food and get creative with my desk. Come visit if you're on campus!

Wahoo. Not. Silly me. Today has been yuck, yuck, yuck. I feel I've wasted another perfectly good day. Well, not entirely wasted... I took 8 of my 15 dietary supplements, what joy is mine. I know that I ought to feel happy and thankful to be at home, but the only things running through my mind are completely negative. I feel sick and really out of it, but what's worse is the depressiveness that always seems to set in when I'm home. It's so confusing! I'm not here all that often, so I ought to be happy or at least a little pleased to spend some time in the family homestead. Instead, I feel like a deflated balloon left in a dark corner. Every good and happy thought has long since left me and though it's finally sunny today, I feel like a worthless wreck of a person. I can't seem to keep my mind in the present; it keeps sliding back and forth from the past to the future in a dizzying blur and I can't make sense of anything. I try to remember that I have everything going for me and I'm sure this is true. However, I can't keep my mind on any of that. Instead it's replaced with thoughts of doubt and darkness. It's very sad. I think I need to get back to school and Jimmy sooner than expected, perhaps Thursday. I certainly can't keep going like this. Nothing is making me happy... not reading, not cleaning, not going through the things I picked up in Mexico, not even going through pictures. I feel unworthy of all the good things that have happened to me and like they're just some lovely dream I invented, so I shouldn't continue to look at them because I'm just teasing myself that they were ever real. I need to try to break myself out of this. Maybe I should call Jimmy a little earlier tonight... that might be my last hope. I'm going to go and sit in a chair now because typing is too tiring. How sad. I hope everyone else is doing better.

So I went to a "holistic chiropractor" today and it was definitely unlike any other doctor's appointment I've ever had. First of all, he tested the strength of my arms and legs pushing in various directions to see if there were any abnormally weak spots and what organs/parts of the body they might correspond to. Then he told me the reason I'm so weak is because I have parasites. PARASITES! Well, some of the caf food does sit out for a while and there are quite a few questionable things in our kitchen... So he would do these strength tests again to figure out "what my body wanted". When my arm suddenly got weak, that meant I "needed" some dietary supplement. However, they were things like calcium and magnesium and other homeopathic remedies. I kept asking how "now honestly, how can you expect my body to know what it wants????" and he just said "we don't know how this works, only that it does." It's really crazy, but at this point I am ready to try this. It's almost like an acupuncture approach to using the nervous system as connections to the rest of the body. But I'm still a bit skeptical. Now I'm taking more supplements and things than like an entire floor of a retirement home. It's really obnoxious and I have to keep it up and they taste horrible every time. Ugh. And now I'm feeling all dizzy and yucky and I ran into a wall upstairs in my house and spilled hot chocolate on our rug. I feel disgusting and stupid and uncoordinated and I'm snapping more than I should at my family, but they keep nagging me and that's really not what I need right now!!! AHHHHH! Stupid fish oils. Taste like fish every time I burp. That's really gross. :(

Mmmmmhmmmm... it's good to be home. But let me say, that was a damn fine tour. If the spark of humanity in me was starting to die out from stress and the hectic college pace, it has been amply rekindled. Mexico was, simply put, amazing. I travelled everywhere from Mexico City and Acapulco to tiny villages in the mountains that still spoke Nahuatl and all those lovely, guard rail-less winding mountain roads in between. I touched people in non-verbal ways that only music can. I swam in the ocean. I got tan and had my hair braided. I drank tequila. I bonded with my tour roommates and saw more boobs and vomit (from heat stroke and motion sickness, DUH!) than ever before in my life. I missed my boyfriend, my family and friends. I listened to track number four in the ROTK soundtrack while driving in high mountain passes and looking below the road to see a thousand feet of deep valley, tiny waterfalls, and mist everywhere. It was unbelieveable. I EVEN LEARNED SOME SPANISH! Sadly, I think I understand conversational Spanish as well as French just from hearing for so many weeks everywhere around me. My instrument got stuck at the border with the rest of the truck. I shared a local bass clarinet that tasted like old fish with Anna for the first concert. I went dancing! I stayed in Cortes' personal hacienda! I drank more tequila and margaritas. And some bacardi. Mmmm. I jumped on beds. I looked out over the Pacific, up to Minnesota and especially over to Italy. I played in some of the finest concert halls and the coldest large gym-like garages Mexico has to offer, BY GOD! And it was by God! All of it! Meeting people with less to their family's name than I have in my dorm room alone, yet they were as happy as I could hope Jimmy and I will be in our lifetime. Seeing couples hugging and kissing in the streets (sometimes more!) as well as mothers and children, older married husbands and wives, and wondering why we're so wary of affection in the US. I definitely going all out when I'm back on campus, so Jimmy boy, just you look out! :) I wore skirts and laughed and operated on Mexican time. I stayed with a Mexican family for a couple days. I ate all the pecante Mexico has to offer!!! Mwa hahaha... it was glorious! And then I flew home. And last night I got to see Jimmy! Just for a couple of hours, mind you, but it was wonderful. Beyond words. It was weird too, the things I noticed about him as we talked in the Borders books cafe, things like how his hair curls perfectly on his forehead, how dark his eyes are, and isn't his skin smooth and my hands feel perfect inside his, how his hand feels on my back. All these little nuances of being alive, things I hadn't let myself miss for fear that I would spend more time moping than drinking in Mexico, came rushing back to me and it was glorious!!! :) Our moms spent that time talking too, which was good... mwa hahaha. And so, I'm home relaxing and reading the end of "Caramelo" so I can write a paper on it and finish my Mexican adventure. :)

:) MEXICO EVE! I won't be blogging for a while because it's off to Mexico for me with the one and only St. Olaf Band to bring instruments and joy to Mexican people. I'm nervous about a few things, one of them being my lack of Spanish skill, but I'm sure this will be a completely wonderful and life-changing time. I'll update ya'll when I'm home again!

LA LA LA! Our pretour concert went really well! And the best part was that my family came! Mom, Dad, Noah, my Auntie Diane and my little cousin Chloe!!! It was sooo exciting to have that much support in the crowd. I was so thankful to be making music for them, just for being able to before heading south. And speaking of that, we're so close to the tour that I can even taste it! My suitcase is packing and I have only two more days of class! I made it! Well, am making it! This is going to be a life-changing experience, I just know it. :) Time to email my boy and then head to bed.

The week has finished! :) I've treated myself to a pretty stress-free weekend to make up for perhaps a slightly more daunting schedule over the last few days. "Under the Tuscan Sun" is a great movie about life in general. I think I'm going to have to watch that one with Jimmy as soon as it comes out on video. Tomorrow is the pre-tour concert, so I better get myself to sleep. Goodnight!

Ugh! Life is so miserable right now! Last night I caught something... a cold? The beginnings of the flu? I don't know. But it's continued through today. I missed rehearsals and morning class. But that's ok -- we've been told pretty clearly that we need to take time out to get healthy before the trip should we fall ill now. So that's not a problem. I guess it's the class that's frustrating me at the moment. It's mostly that the course work seems undoable. I know that it was encouraged to do readings while at home -- hundreds and hundreds of pages, mind you -- but if you had ordered your books like me and they hadn't come, you were SOL. And now, the amount of work assigned is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to complete each night. The only people who are up to date are those who read most of it over break. I'm sad. :( I know nothing about Mexico or Mexicans anyway, aside from environmental issues and believe me, they've got bigger things to worry about. We have an exam tomorrow and I'm freaking out. I feel like I know nothing. It's 30 points and 30% of our grade. Each question is a percentage point off of your final grade! AHHH! What am I going to do!? Other than FAIL!? I don't want to switch to pass/fail because I need the GE, but what choice do I have if I cannot learn all of Mexican culture by tomorrow afternoon!?

This is all making me hysterical. I think I better stop. I wish Jimmy was here. He would definitely not let me keep worrying manically. But I can't think about that either! No use getting worked up. I'll just miss him more.

Damn computer -- has lost like three of my attempted bloggings in the last week, so here's a short recap of all the things I've been trying to say:

-New Years was wonderful. Jimmy came down and visited for a couple days. We went to the dinner theatre, saw a show and danced. Then we went back to my house and drank champagne with my parents and I got giggly. Haha. He ended up staying an extra night because there was fog when he tried to leave. I also got my Christmas presents from him -- a beautiful teddy bear made of like 20 carefully cut out pieces of wood that interlock and are sanded and stained. It's totally unbelievable how well its made! And then, I got a big, squishy teddy bear to match. He does spoil me!
-Truth be told, every single moment I spent with Jimmy over break was wonderful. He's an extraordinary guy and he's perfect! And, we're perfect for each other. This is all terribly exciting for me!!! I think he's like the guy. If everyone has a person out there that there supposed to meet, with whom they "click" more than anyone they've met so far, then methinks I've met him!
-Campus life before leaving for the great Mexican tour is absolutely exhausting!! We get up in the morning to be in class at 8:30. At 10:30 we rehearse. 12 is for lunch. 1:30 it's back to class. 3:30 is more rehearsing until dinner at about 5:15ish. And by then, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep. Our profs assigned us a ton of reading for such a daunting schedule. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be doable and we have a test approaching on Thursday. Methinks it's time for some major bandie bonding study sessions. ALLITERATIONS GALORE! :)
-I miss Jimmy!!! He's off galavanting around Europe with the Grand Tour (for great con). Certain persons who shall remain nameless would certainly have loved to go on said con tour but they were already engaged in Mexican fiestas. He was delayed a day in leaving because of the weather in Chicago, but hopefully now he's in the air, perhaps close to Amsterdam?? OMG... I can't believe he's so far away! It seems surreal now to think of him being that far away from me and it's only going to get farther. Meg is staying over in their room to visit Jacob. I don't want to go in their room while Jimmy is gone if I don't have to. How odd is that! It would just not be good. I'm sure he's having a great time and hopefully they'll find his luggage at some point! My poor boy... not having his luggage while staying over night in the cities. I miss you, punk! Oh well... Jan will be long, but it'll be good for the both of us.

I better go read some more! Talk to ya'll later!

Here's a deep thought I had while visiting Jimmy:

"You know you're in tractor country when Santa's sleigh is pulled by a John Deere."


'Night everyone!

Hey, me again, but feely slightly more stable. :) Well... my mom talked to me. She felt pretty bad about telling me to start being nicer to my family over the phone when I called home to see if I should come home Sunday or Monday. It seemed really odd that she'd say that... I found out it was because my Dad had been hounding her to pass that on. Typical. My poor mother... she felt really bad about it for the rest of the afternoon. So did I. But it was at least good to know that it wasn't some well of familial venegeance starting to spring forth. My Dad is just like that, I can take things from him, but not my mom.

Then I thought about the whole weekend... being with Jimmy and how there were so many just AMAZING things that happened. And I connected much more with all his family members, not just him. And... wow. I can't believe it. So I think I ought to let go of the end and stop feeling like I ruined that. It's ridiculous. Ok, I'm going to do something relaxing that I haven't done in years.... take a bath, complete with bubbles, candles and music. Damn right.

Well... long time, no post, especially for a break. I've been in Askov visiting the Jimmy since Saturday. It was a good visit, barring a small episode Sat from his brother, needing to stay a second night because of the snow and inconveniencing my family, and the ending. In fact, it was a great time. I don't know what I am so down about. Jimmy said that he "didn't want having a girlfriend to get in the way of his family" and though it sounded bad when he said it, I knew he meant it in a cautionary way. However... I was already feeling quite bad for reasons along those lines and it just made me plummet. I feel like I am taking him away from his family. They already have lost a father, and his brother Jeremy isn't perhaps the most family-oriented son. Jimmy's gone at school now and then I seem to take up a lot of his time on breaks. They all love him, and then I compare that to my own home, where I am an annoyance, an inconvenience, someone who everyone is happy to see when she first walks in the door and then that soon wears off and I am left upstairs alone in my room with nothing but dark thoughts as companions.

And Jimmy can't fully understand this... and I'm not sure I want him to. This afternoon, I walked in, my dad said nothing, so I went upstairs. Noah brought me some food (sooo sweet of him) and we took two of the cats under the covers on my mom's bed and watched TV. But then my dad got mad at that and made him go downstairs away from me. Just like he used to. Because, honestly, I am a poison... enticing at first and then I just suck everything that was once good away. My dad came up and took Noah's new gamecube FOR NO REASON! He honestly takes delight from taking gifts away or threatening to. And it keeps snowing and snowing, and I wish I could be happy, but I cannot.

Last night, after company had left Jimmy's house, we sat talking and I started to feel all this weighing down on me. I didn't know how to put it into words, so I just sat with him, watching Futurama and trying not to feel too dizzy or ill. Jimmy never would have said it to me, but I could tell I was bringing him down and that he was out of ideas. When we said goodbye this morning, I was upset because I was leaving much later than my parents had told me I could. It was snowy and the drive was going to be hard. And it seemed like he just wanted me gone. What a terrible feeling! I mean, he hugged me and kissed me, but it wasn't in his usual way, where I can tell that he loves me with every movement. Maybe we were both just tired. But now, I'm all alone as usual and it's eating at me how we parted. I even called back like the dork I am just to hear his voice and hope that it would somehow make things better. I don't know if it did.

I wish I was anyone else right now, someone who lived in a happy family or in a neater house or didn't feel so sorry and guilty about things she shouldn't worry about. I am tired of being me. I only make everyone else sad. I try to tell myself that someday things will be different. I could be happy, really happy. I could live with Jimmy in a beautiful house with porches and gardens and cats and trees. But then I can't help but think, who am I kidding!? He's going to look at me one day and realize that I've been nothing but trouble and that will be it and I will be cold and alone until I die. Ugh... what a sad day.

Another Christmas passed...

Here are the things I am and ought to be thankful for:

A [relatively] warm house
Good food to eat
Finally being healthy!
Jimmy
very thoughtful Christmas gifts
my parents liked the ones I gave them
My father and I tolerated one another for an entire day without conflict, which means no one's Christmas was ruined
I get to see Jimmy in under two days
I also got two lovely emails from him this morning!
Hot chocolate is warm and soothing
The vanilla buttercream room spray is also very, very calming and it fell back into my hands after last night's White Elephant gift exchange...
My extended family members are all wonderful and I am extrememly grateful to have them.
The Return of the King soundtrack is delicious...
Petunia the cat has finally forgiven me for leaving her
I will go back to school soon
I will survive without Jimmy, rather I can be all the more excited when Feb comes
Mexico is nearly here!!!!
When I grow up (whenever that may be, lol), my home will be: a) relatively tidy (liveable), b) light and bright, c) sans football and most other televised sports, d) full of love, not anger or frustration or sadness or resignation
I get to go to college
I have wonderful friends there
I will see them all soon

I think that's all the cheerfulness I can muster right now. Merry Christmas, everyone

A good ending! Well, I talked with my mom and ended up sobbing on her shoulder. My dad didn't really care much, he just yelled for us to come downstairs. I waited until my eyes were fairly normal looking before going. My aunt and uncle and cousin came over and it ended up being a perfect solution to day long crises. We talked and had fun and played a game and I didn't have to be around my Dad at all. So, after all, it ended up being quite a good Christmas Eve. Odd how that works, but I am so glad the holiday wasn't ruined. I might delete some of the not-so-happy blog entries. It's Christmas after all. I suppose it's a time to forget the bad things and focus on whatever good one can find. Ooh -- we did our white elephant gift exchange and Jimmy, my dad got my gifts! I think that means I get to keep the buttercream vanilla room spray. Ahhhh... so yummy. And tomorrow is Christmas! Perhaps I'll try to get in touch with what that actually means after the fiasco today. And I will think of my wonderful boyfriend and feel thankful for love.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Things went from bad to worse...

I waited upstairs until I thought I had cooled down a bit. I took a shower, got dressed, and ate something. I overheard my Dad talking about me to Noah, which I'm certain was nothing complementary or even remotely positive. So... I went downstairs to see what was up. My dad was mopping the entry way floor (something that happens maybe once every year, maybe). Since the whole floor was wet, I sat on the stairs staring off into space and thinking "well, this is awkward" until my dad interrupted my reverie by asking me to go back upstairs if I was going to be unpleasant. I was just sitting there! But of course, to even mention anything that might disagree with what Dad thinks is to ruin his day. So obviously, I ruined him birthday, most of break, and today. That feels super. Anyway, so I was trying to point out that I came downstairs this morning with only the best of intentions, to do lots of chores, to get along, and to try and enjoy the company of my family. And asking to turn the TV to another channel (see first blog post) and saying that I really hated listening to football all the time = ruination. Things escalated quickly and I got called a hateful child, among other things. I said that I wish he could be visited by three spirits in the night, perhaps that would change his opinions and attitudes toward his family (not a calming statement, but certainly not as vicious)... I ran upstairs to grab my purse and I could hearing arguing from downstairs. I grabbed my keys and my coat and made for the door. My mom came after me, going in about how I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder. Whatever! I tried, I did. I asked what time company was coming and she said something along the lines of "you actually CARE they're coming?" She yelled at me to go drive to Jimmy's or something. I was crying at this point and I started for the car (which someone had moved to the farthest away spot in the driveway). My Dad came out, suddenly in his acting element, saying things like "I love you, Lauren" but in a terrible and forced voice. I gave him the finger. I couldn't help it! When I kept going toward the car, his new coaxing persona melted. But I was gone... no gloves, no hat, nothing. I drove as quickly away, going to the Christmas house, to Excelsior, around Chanhassen, walking through Target (I pretended that I was in Northfield, that Megan was looking at sweaters, at lingerie and that soon she'd come get me and we'd go back home and there would be Jimmy waiting for me. Then we'd get Grant and everything would be wonderful, and warm, and no one would be yelling at me, or thinking that I permanently was unpleasant and irritating and that I was trying to ruin their Christmas. I wandered out and drove home. I walked in and no one looked up. My mom pointedly told me that if I wanted to be helpful [finally] I could set the table... so I did, slowly fingering the silverware my grandmother left me before she died. What a terrible Christmas. And now, everyone's coming in 30 mins, but there won't be that many of them, so they'll certainly know something happened and I don't know what to do. And now someone just unplugged the phone line I was using. Charming. Simply charming. I don't know what to do.

Welllllll.... Today is Christmas Eve. I know I should try to pretend I'm having fun at home and being happy. So here's the good stuff first. Those of you in the Christmas mood need not read the end.

Yesterday, Jimmy came down to spend the day with me. And it was by far the best day I've had all break or, for that matter, in a looong, long time. He got here at about 11am after a few car troubles before setting out. We went to Southdale Mall and just wandered, then we ate sushi at a place in EP. I dragged him into Pier One and my goodness we had a lovely time winding our way through that store. :) Everything that had been wrong or sad over the break seemed never to have existed. We went back to my house and baked and decorated cookies -- a good deal of flour ended up on shirts, faces, and in hair. (And, by God, my parents let him into our kitchen, which had been amply cleaned up from its usual state and smell...) Wendy stopped by quickly to meet him and to give me this nifty plate she had made in high school ceramics that said, what else, FLAP on it. :) Then we ate dinner with my family. I watched Jimmy polish off an entire gigantic stuffed pork chop, lol. Then we went to see the newest edition to my British actor obsession, Love Actually, complete with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman. Goodness, that's like 3/4 of the Sense and Sensibility cast right there. It was quite sugary and romantic, but it was most sweet, especially to see on a night of being with the person you love most before Christmas. Then he and I passed through Barnes and Noble and back out to my car. We decided, though it was nearly 10 and he needed to leave, to stop by this magnificent house in Chanhassen that always puts up the most mind-boggling Christmas display. Dozens of diaramas with moving subjects, live reindeer, llamas, and lambs, hundred foot weeping willows, illuminated with lights, and a lighted carosel, nativity scene, and many more scenes... even a small gallery of lit lawn ornament penguins. I was in heaven, but then I always am to wander through this yard. People come from all over MN (and farther away, too) to see this home and Jimmy could certainly see why. But most importantly, even beyond penguins, it was so wonderful to be there with him. We drove back to my house, knowing it was time to go. After a cup full of hot coffee, cookies, treats for his family, and a lot of goodbyes from me, I watched him drive away. I stood on our doorstep and waved, but before he left, he opened the door to say bye and that he loved me... Jimmy I hope you heard me respond! :) What a perfect day! Someday perhaps we won't have to say goodbye for Christmas.

After gushing a bit to my mother, I went to sleep early. Just as I was falling asleep, I saw what it would be like to marry him... Grant and Megan were up there (she even had her hair up for me!!!) with us. Grant wasn't even wearing his glasses, lol. And Jimmy's family was there, and so was Amanda. I pictured my Dad dressed up and Santosy was up next to Grant, as was Jimmy's friend Scott. It was bizarre, but vivid. Anyway, one can't be accountable for what runs through her head just as she's falling alseep. Don't roll your eyes, Meg!

This morning, I lazed about for a bit watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" before going downstairs. Of course, my dad was watching football in the living room... ugh. Every day of break, so far, he's watched football and I've kept my mouth shut about how much I hate having it on. Not only that, but he's recorded it on multiple VCRs at a time throughout the house while watching it! So today, while I was hanging Christmas cards and decorations in the living room, I asked politely (with decorations and masking tape in hand) if we could watch something else, that we've watch football every day so far and I wasn't sure if he knew, but I hated the sound of it, and since it was Christmas Eve and we were both working in the living room, could we change the channel? My response was a change to the Food Network and an obnoxious cooking show (an improvement at least), and a biting"why don't you find some productive to do!" I mean, my God, not only had I mentioned that I was working on something, I had tape and card in hand as I was hanging them up. Talk about killing an already weak Christmas spirit. I started to get upset, saying "I JUST said I'm working on something in here, I'm holding tape and a card to hang up!!! Don't tell me to start working on something like I'm not already helping!" Of course then, both my mom and dad started in at this last statement saying "you're being unpleasant! It's Christmas Eve, for God's sake!!!" But how could ANYONE ANYWHERE honestly expect to just smile and nod at being told they're lazy in that damn manner, especially by someone who spends the better part of their life lying on the couch and disallowing anyone else to spend time in the only living area in the house!!!! I tried. I had been trying. I had been trying to ignore the slightly rotten food, the bickering pervading every part of the house, the grime, the dirt in the bathroom, the lack of any space to just relax in, other than my tiny bedroom, in which anyone would go crazy after spending day after day in it, the unpleasant father for whom I have both mingled dislike and deep sadness, my beautiful car which used to be clean and odor-free (except for Meg that one time... though it was well-cleaned afterward) and has now become yet another storage receptacle for the things my dad drags out of the back of the grocery store with its now strange smell and the grime everywhere on the inside. Nothing is free of this! I've been trying to be happy, to be glad to be home at Christmastime, to look forward to presents, and seeing family, and hot chocolate, but I CANNOT!!! Not like this. So I went upstairs after my job was finished, locked my door, and having been sitting on my bed, trying not to cry at reading a sweet email from Jimmy, listening to Christmas carols, and writing a blog post. This is my outlet, and this is just about my breaking point. I don't know what to do from here. I know I'm being bad and not helping out to get ready for my aunt and uncle tonight, but I can't take this and I know all I'll do downstairs is end up ruining everyone else's Christmas, anyway. Best to just sit tight for a while, methinks.

This is an excerpt from Megan's philosophy paper, entitled "jesus and grilled cheese make it all better" for the crazy hat man's class that I would like to share with the world:

"...So how is Jesus like grilled cheese? If mankind is individual ingredients in isolation, then God is the entire sandwich and once the cheese begins to melt and stick to the bread it is no longer single pieces, but a sandwich. Then there is no escaping the sandwich-ness of the sandwich. It is no longer just bread, butter, and cheese, but a sandwich full and complete. The ingredients must either remain separate and incomplete or must form a delicious sandwich. There is no half way grilled cheese. The cheese is either melted or it is not. The bread is golden brown or it is not. The butter sizzles or it does not. Together the sandwich is formed, but alone stale bread, globby butter, and floppy cheese remain alone and disgusting. So Jesus is just like grilled cheese because he cannot be floppy cheese and melted cheese at once. If he is floppy cheese he gets fed to the dogs and if he is melted cheese I eat him. "

I haven't laughed this hard all day!

Tonight, Jimmy wrote me "i love you like the moon loves a clear night, like the autumn breeze loves an open meadow. i love you like crimson flowers love the morning dew." Could anything get better than this? Honestly? Beyond all good music, warm socks, hot chocolate, new-fallen snow, cheese, penguins, Honda Civics, environmental groups, lit Christmas trees, crackling fires, crystal clear lakes and streams, soggy berry cereal, sparkling apple cider, soft beds, and clear, starry nights, is this. I feel as if I was walking lost in the woods and suddenly stumbled upon Eden.

Today was a good day, finally.

I woke up, ate lovely berry cereal from Jimmy and helped my Dad out to plan some of his Christmas shopping. I felt all cool and included! :) Then John called me to ask if i wanted to help him with some major wardrobe shopping. WOULD I!? Mwa hahaha. That was quite fun! AND GUESS WHAT!? I BOUGHT T STRAPS! After months of chasing after the illusive 1920's style shoes, I found and purchased a pair. Merry Christmas, Lauren! Then, I came home and dined on a tasty meal of well-spiced ramen, cheese and crackers, and applesauce. Which was lovely, btw. And what else? I made a batch of cookie dough for the baking and decorating. Then I went to Target, met Amanda, and we spent a good evening talking over appetizers at Applebee's. Now I get to talk to my boy... how perfect. :) Life is good!

Ok... so finals gave me purpose, how sad is that? Suddenly, there was a goal (to not fail) and life became decidedly better. Oh, and talking with Grant helped. It always does.

What else? Christmas season for me was in full swing. I had my boy, I had my tree, and that was as good as it gets. And we saw ROTK! AND IT WAS AWESOME! OMG!!! Ahh! I think the best part was that I got to see it with Jimmy... But then it was time to leave for the break! And now I'm just counting the days until I can see him again...

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately... Sometimes I feel happy but then it sort of flutters away and I'm left feeling blah again. It's like a giant flat field of mediocrity that goes as far as I can see and I almost forget that there are other states out there. I don't mind being alone, in fact it's sometimes a great comfort to just be by yourself. I dunno... Sometimes I feel like I want to lock myself up and watch Jane Austen movies and munch on small foods and drink hot chocolate all day long. And then other times I feel guilty after even an hour of this because I should always be doing something "productive" as my father often told me when I was younger. Do little things in your past suddenly snowball like that? Other times still, I want to be a butterfly and flit from Target into town and walk about and be around people and just soak it in and not have to think. It's the thinking that gets me. Unfortunately, college brings out a lot of that. The meteors last night were clouded over. :( Maybe tonight, though the sky is grey, grey, grey... Maybe that's the problem. The sky is grey, the ground is white, the buildings are cream, the roads are greyish too. Everything is one pale shade or another. I can't remember feeling at all bad when the trees were changing and the color was all around me. Perhaps I'm like an iguana and I need a giant lamp over me to be healthy. Next Target run... kidding! Kidding. But seriously, I might go to Radioshack or someplace and look for a camera cable. I need it badly. Anyway -- I better conclude. We have a great con review session in 30 mins and I do not have any makeup on. Bye everyone.

Ahhhh... first final done. Chemistry, which has quite frequently been a bane of my existence. The times I've wanted to throw the book out the window to hear the satisfying sound of a packed three inche binder hitting the cement with a "wham" cannot be contained to the fingers on my hands. However, I'd like to think that I did it... this final didn't go badly at all. Disregarding the few questions where I was like "what!?" on the total nine pages of final-y goodness, I'd have to say that maybe I win at chemistry after all...

So anyway -- I know that I haven't blogged in a while, so I really must update the world on the goings on in my life:

Earlier this week (I think it was Tuesday), St. Olaf was transformed into a positive winter wonderland with several inches of snow. I was just about giddy when it snowed softly for a day straight. I don't think I've ever loved watching snow fall so much, or been so happy just to be on campus to appreciate it. It was a lovely Christmas gift before the harsh reality of approaching finals hit in.

And finals, oh finals... ah! I'm having some problems feeling motivated to study as much as I manically like to do before any large test. I think this is in part due to the gigantic mess my room has become since I obsessively cleaned it last Friday. There are bits of Christmas wrapping everywhere along with random pieces of clothing, shoes, about 20 scattered pages of chemistry study guides, gifts and tiny rocks that migrated in at some point unbeknownst to Erica and I. I think I'm going to do something about that in appromately 3 minutes and 30 seconds. But you'll never know because my blog doesn't record writing time, just time published and even that's in Pacific time (why, I do not know).

So last night, Meg and I went on an adventure to Aquatic Pets. I can hear my mom groaning because she can guess the reason. Cami the Monstrous Hermit Crab seemed unsociable and lonely and I guessed that what he needed was a friend. So I went on a Cami Christmas spree to peruse the crab selection in Northfield. They had a new shipment... with absolutely tiny crabs. Cami's can be a big lug sometimes, so I got two little babies to keep each other company. They don't have names yet other than Gimp and Crawly. They'll get better ones, soon. If you have any ideas, email me at andersol@stolaf.edu. I tried to show Cami his little pets, but he got scared and snapped back into his shell so quickly that the whole thing rolled over. What a goon! :) The little ones were afraid of him, no wonder, because if I saw Monstro the Whale coming at me, I'd run for it to. But now Gimp is curled up next to Cami. I hope Cami doesn't ever try to punt them around... that would not be good. No football in the crab cube. Soon it will be a Crab Condo... and then maybe a Crab Comfort Inn. Mmmhmmm, and then I can make them all little beds! This is a fun idea.

I think Sense and Sensibility on DVD is calling my name, as is the new carpet rock garden. Talk to you all soon!

Ah! Roommate crises -- not only did Jacob talk to Jimmy about sleeping in and such but the entire deal with coming back to my room on Sunday with Mom and Noah got fairly blown out of proportion. Instead of it being that the door was locked and I heard rummaging inside to get it open, the curtains were drawn, and Jeff's vest on the floor, it became my mom and I walking in on them doing whatever and me having no idea that Jeff was even coming... Yeah. I knew perfectly well he was going to visit. Ideally, since Erica knew my family was coming, she would have left the door unlocked, opened the curtains, and realized how the situation could have looked bad from the perspective of my fairly Catholic family. But oh well. There was nothing going on and though it looked like there wasn't a lot of respect for my mother and brother formally visiting me on a Sunday afternoon and I was very flustered when the door was opened, it got quite blown out of proportion and passed around the friends a good deal. If I was Erica, I would feel bad about someone else approaching me about something I had apparently done and wish that my roommate hadn't said a word to a single soul, but there it is. It's finished, so one must simply apologize for rumors, entreat the other to see how things easily look not so good when the lights are off and the door is locked, and hope for the best.

I think I need a holiday from school. I'm noticing that I don't really smile that much or laugh a lot just randomly. I always liked laughing a lot... where did it go? It makes me kinda sad! I dunno... So much stress and pressure here! I wish college could take about 2x longer so there would be half the amount of stuff to do. I keep thinking back over the stuff I've read and studied and regardless of what it is, the things I could complete at my own leisure were much more intellectually stimulating and satisfying. Hm. What does that say about education? I hate cramming things in like I do, but it seems to be the only way not to fail. Maybe I'll come up with a magical solution tonight...

How is it possible that this is the natural functioning of my reproductive system? I think it's faulty! Nothing that's meant to create life at some point should hurt this much now!

This is the first time I've had alone in a long, long time. I ought to be doing something worthwhile with it, but I'm just listening to the radio, occasionally dabbling in chemistry, and counseling Amanda through some romantic difficulties. Strangely, she and I are exact opposites. Whether I ought/want to or not, I always end up diving headfirst into any relationship because I think that one shouldn't do things halfway. Besides, then I know that it didn't work out for a legitimate, not because I was too afraid to get involved. I had always entertained the idea that at some point, things would magically work out. Amanda, however, got used to the idea of being alone for her life. She never got too involved, for fear of becoming dependant on something that may prove to be transient and suddenly leave her devastated. So, she dated people and always kept her distance, often at the expense of their feelings. But now, here is Derek who obviously is nuts about her and she's torn between acting as she always has and changing, letting herself get close to him.

It's like Sense and Sensibility. She's the sense and I'm the sensibility. Or is it opposite? Interesting to ponder.

Anyway... what shall I do with my freedom? Bathe Cami and OOH! listen to the goofy "wonderful christmas time" rendition by Paul McCartney. ;) wheee. I miss Santos and I singing this together. There's a lovely summer internship in NY that I'd chew off my own arm to be able to do. And doing some freshwater ecological research here on campus could be great, too. But they both mean that I wouldn't go home this summer. That's truly being on one's own. Am I ready for that? It's true that it's sometimes shocking to go home with the mess, but it's my home nonetheless. I just don't know.

Fortunately, Prof. M is letting me take my exam late b/c of the sickishness. I think Fri morning is the winner. Which means I ought to get my butt in gear and study. Bye for now.

MURPHY'S LAW WEEK!

Tuesday, tuesday...

Our ES class was covering the same thing we had before break for all those slackers who skipped class, so I gave in to my heavy, bowling ball-ish head and didn't go. Meh -- it's the class I've missed least all year and I had bigger fish to fry. Like my chem test, for instance. I'm definitely not feeling that lovely today... in fact, I'm feeling like a smashed can of beans. Yes. Exactly. But that's ok. I called Prof. Miessler (who already told me that I could rearrange tests if I was sick) to ask to take my exam on Thursday, I took ibu and echinacea and have touched makeup. I think I'll be ok with finals and all coming. I'm not reading knowledge bowl this weekend. I am not going to slack off. I will persevere and sleep a lot and hope for the best. Indeed -- now for a spot of jury music.

Oh my God in Heaven... I am in some serious musical trouble: right arm tendonitis flaring up at most in opportune moment. If I survive playing in studio class and for my jury, it will be because of divine intervention. What am I going to do? Ahhh! Everything that could possibly go wrong seems to be... chemistry exam, french quizie, sickness, last real week of classes? Where has time gone to? AHHH! Oh my goodness. This is not pretty!!!

Thanks for letting me rant, that's all for now. :(

THE DAY BEFORE THE HINCKLEY VISIT!!!!

I am a bit nervous! Well, rather nervous! Not anxious, but still getting into visit mode. I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong, but I always get nervous about big things. And, like any final, this is a big deal. Bottom line: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE JIMMY BOY! :)

I'm a dork, I know.

Thanksgiving was lovely this year... Spending time with family is always awesome. And food is yummy too. If only my profs hadn't assigned so much damn homework! What's up with that!?

AH! The emails I sent out about a lovely Chaska group get-together never actually got through! WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH SQUIRREL MAIL!? I sent one days and days ago and the other last night and neither was received. Damnit! AOL is more reliable!? AH! Oh well... I am going to try to clean, change sheets, and read some more Hume.

Wow -- 'tis been a whole week since I last blogged. St. Olaf (as well as the greater Minnesotan area) are weekend-deep in snow. Lovely, beautiful, sparkling snow. When one has nowhere in particular to be, I can't think of anything better. I remember when I was little and it was snowing at night, I used to turn on the deck light and watch as illuminated flakes floated neatly down into a whole carpet of glittering white. It was glorious and by God it still is.

This is Megan's first blizzard (or rather, extended period of snow) and I think she's enjoying herself. She and Jane bought naughty magazines in town today (of which I was thankfully not part of -- those get to be expensive amusements!) The pictures in those are always frightening and often seem like they cannot be real. But I don't think it's healthy to ponder pornography that much...

I spent lots and lots of time with Jimmy this weekend, maybe to stock up before Thanksgiving? I don't know, but it reminds me that balance is essential. I definitely was lacking in the alone and friend time this weekend. I had plenty of study time, plenty of time with him, but without enough of the other two (which, quite frankly, were greatly reduced because of the Great Con paper due tomorrow) I didn't feel like it was the best of weekends. Oh well. Live and learn.

And speaking of G Con papers, I hope this one is turning out relatively well. Instead of focusing on Charlotte Lucas entirely, it morphed into being a discussion on the various courses of action a lady in Jane Austen's novels could take: to settle or not to settle, that is indeed the question at hand. I think I've written so many Jane Austen papers that I cannot gauge which is good and which isn't. So, I pray that this one will be good... Perhaps I'll get people to proof it tonight. Beg people, I mean. It's so funny -- when I write about Jane Austen, I can feel my own syntax meander toward hers, like I'm channeling the inner spirit of her novel and it's guiding me to use too many dependent clauses and commas.

And though it does mean bidding adieu to this lovely little journal, the paper, of which I have both mingled pride and fear, becons me to return to it in hopes of completing a satisfactory draft that I might bring to work with me tonight.

See what I mean? :)

I just had a nice long talk with Grant while I was working at the desk. I decided to ask him for the following for Christmas: can we please all take a trip together over Spring Break? Meg, of course, bring Charlie, Grant, Jimmy -- it doesn't sound like CA is over that break ANYWAY, Nic, Jacob, Erica and Jeff, anyone. I just want it to be together, and frugal, and hopefully to someplace west like montana or the grand canyon. So please, mark your calendars and love you all for doing so! I got all frazzled thinking that it prolly wouldn't happen, but the more I think of it, I realize that this is why it's a Christmas present, that way I don't grow grey hairs trying to organize it all. ;) Righto. I also talked with him about marriage, and hobo boxes, and Jimmy, and college, and kids-to-come (including the future names -- did you know he wants to call his son "Truman"?), Buddha nature and enlightenment, and who knows what else we covered. It was quite fun. No Candide read, but alas, there we are. :)

Anywho -- time to sleep! Come away with me, in the night. Goodnight ya'll!

Two months exactly. Jimmy and I have been dating for two months. Wow! It doesn't seem that long... rather it's just been one happy blur that I couldn't possibly separate into chunks of time. Miss you, Jimmy-boy and I hope your concerts have been fabulous.

Meanwhile, it's been another drizzly, dreary day on the hill. I swear, I need to stop going to Target. I keep thinking of things I "need" and by need, I mean things that I want. Like little plastic food storage containers. Or a teapot. Or some good breakfasty type foods to take to classes. Or a shirt I've had my eye on. Or oatmeal. Or salsa. I had asked my family to bring some food from home and they literally brought me five boxes of various crackers from salsa-flavored cheese nips to triscuits. While crackers are lovely and tasty, I had meant more varied types of foods. SO, I bought some myself and of course this involves spending money. It's an evil trick. You innocently think, I am a human; humans need food; I need for food; food requires money; it is a worthwhile expenditure; I have jobs; I can pay for food. And you're tricked into spending $20 on foods that will probably last you for months, however, that's not the point. I need to avoid Target in a bad way. :)

On a better note, Grant, Meg and I will make cupcakes and eat them tonight while watching Harry Potter. Mmmhmmm... and then I will do more homework. Candide is quite excellent! Anywho... nearly time for dinner. Talk to you all soon.

IT'S A WONDERFUL DAY TO BE ALIVE!!!

The malt-o-meal smell in Northfield was heavenly today... ahhhh! Thank goodness for toasty o's on an otherwise dreary Friday in Minnesota. Jimmy left today on band tour and so far, it's been healthy for me to have time to wander and ponder by myself. I was walking today and tonight and thinking "Can it really get any better than this? I have health, happiness, and every opportunity ahead of me. Not only that, but I have good friends and the most wonderful boyfriend ever. I am myself. I am alive. It's glorious!"

I bought a lovely pine candle at Target today for a few dollars. It's an Italian tradition to burn it completely before the New Year to ensure good luck and prosperity. It smells heavenly and reminds me of every good thing. What else? Erica and I watched the end of "Pride and Prejudice" -- what an excellent movie and excellent company to go with. Now if only I could convince Jimmy to watch it all the way through... haha, like he needs it! He was already delved in this week. Mwa hahaha. I hope he's having a great time. :)

I just painted my fingernails and they're taking forever to dry. Honestly -- what's the deal? Maybe sparkly nail polish decays as it ages and mine is too old to harden. Actually, not a bad theory.

The cheese-tasting at the French House tonight was heavenly! SO MUCH CHEESE! I was beside myself. Erica, Billiam and I went down together. Some of the samples were too strong even for my taste -- they were like mold! They tasted horrid. But, other than the absolute extremes, the rest was delish. Mmmm... I even brought back a considerable amount for Jimmy. I am a nice girlfriend. Or try to be. ;)

GAH! This polish is still wet! It's been like a half hour... I also went to the jazz band Swing Dance tonight, as promised. I didn't feel like dancing, but the music was wonderful. I hung with Jennifer and Meg and then ended up chatting with Tessa for a bit. Very fun. Jimmy's band played Moonlight Serenade, one of my very favorites. I hope he's listening to the CD I burned him.

MY GOODNESS! I must mention Jimmy every other sentence. Especially today. I'm so content with everything. It's like the beginning of the year again. I should take sanity evenings more often. It's a wonder I have friends willing to listen to me. Esp. you, Meg. I know I babbled on for a goodly amount of time tonight. I'm sorry!
We'll get orgasm cider tomorrow night to make up for it. ;)

Nails starting to dry. I wish I didn't have to work so much this weekend. Ahah -- sent out email requesting sub for sunday afternoon. That's right, no five hour days for me! :) I think I am going to start Candide tonight and then wake up tomorrow and work on my paper! Yeah, that's the plan. Along with going to lunch. Mmmhmmm... I can keep working on my Rice Krispie addiction.

Have a wonderful night everyone. I'm thankful that I am alive, that I can smell wonderful things like scented candles, that I have Jimmy, that I am able to attend this fine college, that my neighbors are having a good night (perhaps too good of a night judging by the moans we just heard), that cupcakes exist as do Harry Potter books, that I have a wonderful family so close to me and friends right here, for Jane Austen papers waiting to be written, and that God is smiling down on me.

Sweet dreams!

Hmm... another Thursday. This is usually one of my favorite times of the week because I think "aha! tomorrow is FRIDAY!" however, Friday means the Norseman Band is leaving for tour and that means certain people will be gone. Sigh. I'm being such a dork. It's just two and a half days. Right. Ok. I'm going to go do homework. Just as soon as I'm done moping.

Having who-can-hold-out-and-not-laugh contests with one boyfriend and using the sexual gestures usually reserved for friends (like licking one's finger and touching it to oneself with a tsssss) is highly amusing. Highly amusing.

AH! have reached new low: will skip chemistry lecture to study more for french. I am one sick bitch. I think exams should be abolished ... if knowledge is power, then can't we all just be brothers?

Mmmm... nearing the end of fatal 8am chemistry labs. Not to say that I'm nearing the end of 8ams all together -- quite the contrary, actually. Bio 261 screws you into MWF 8ams with only one possible lecture time. Gads, methinks. Anywho. I feel pretty toasted and have a large exam tomorrow, but life is good. It's been marvelous with Jimmy. I didn't imagine dating could be like this...

Sad grey day...

It's been so dark and dreary here... it's a bit disheartening when one thinks about a whole winter's worth of this.

My hormones are making me into a psycho bitch. Psychobitch. One word really, as I'm more of an entity of the two like this. AHHHH! Men have no idea whatsoever. I want more Rice Krispies.

Clarinet lesson today. Still haven't practiced perse, but oh well.

Chem test is daunting. Takes precedence over things like Gulliver's Travels, practicing, sleeping, eating, being nice to others. Haha, externalities. I am a sick bitch. One damn sick bitch.

SLUSH!

Yo ho ho... if it were a pirate's life for me, then I wouldn't have to go to chem lab. What a deep thought. Hello to everyone after a week's silence. Not much is new for me...

Lab is still the bane of my weekly existence. However, have only 3 more! Never taking an 8am lab again if I can help it.

In addition, am trying to figure out my registration stuff for next semester. I'm actually not too worried about getting into the sections I need, despite the uber-crappy registration time, because I figure that I can beg and plead my way into both bio and chem labs and that french won't close. Phew.

What else? I am feeling blue because a certain acquaintance keeps flirting with Jimmy at dinner and while I was able to just laugh it off for a few weeks, it's had been bothering me more. Last night was a breaking point of sorts. Thankfully, it's Tuesday and I won't have to face another post-Norseman dinner until tomorrow.

But, every stormy cloud does have a silver lining. Depsite me tweaking out a bit last night, Jimmy aka nice boyfriend was really understanding and supportive of how I was feeling. He just wanted me to feel comfortable again. What relief I felt after he told me this! And honestly, he's just blows me away sometimes, well, a lot of the time. NB (remember, "nice boyfriend") always looks out for me and get this, DOESN'T SEEM TO LOSE PATIENCE WITH ME! I have to be honest, if I were someone else, I would probably get frustrated with myself frequently. Maybe I'm partial, but even so. NB is never like that. I don't hesitate to tell him whatever is on my mind... I'm not afraid that it will push him away, or make me feel stupid, or upset him... OK, done gushing.

AND SPEAKING OF GUSHERS.... Megan, this one's got your name on it! The other night I got the most lovely ims from Meg who announced that Charlie had told her he loves her. :) YAY! I was soo happy that I promptly called her (even though it was late) for a girl-chat quickie. And I do mean quickie... mwa hahahaha, j/k.

Tonight is the midnight showing of the Matrix Revolutions. And we're seeing it. That's right, baby. At Lakeville. Suck it ya'll. Just kidding. But seriously, frickin' awesome.

I better go practice French dialoge for our second taped-in-a-studio oral presentation. Waaa... I get to be an old granny who went to St. Olaf in the 40's. Tee hee. :) And I get to poke Jimmy with an umbrella. I better practice walking with a bit of a hunch. Mmm... hunch. Like lunch.

A comment of Grant's has sparked a new entry:

"i could definitely see you doing the rebel thing. that would explain why we don't see you very often. "

Though this was meant in jest, the phrase "that would explain why we dont see you very often" puzzled me. Who is "we"? Who don't I see that often? Does everyone think that since I have Jimmy I automatically don't have time for them? If so, that's not true and not very fair. I don't have a ton of time to hang out. And when I do, usually no one is available to do things. It's either a) too late, or b) too far, or c) they have homework left, and it's totally cool. And at least I'm making an effort. I've not been asked to do much lately, besides by Jimmy (I guess I know he wants to see me), aside from eat lunch (Grant) and Meg once asking me about Halloween. Sadness. I mean, if people don't care that's fine, but if they're waiting for me to take the initiative, I think everyone knows how tired I get of being the caller for dinners, weekends, etc. (BTW - hats off to Grant for his well-organized dinner party last week.) But I still think this isn't so nice. Yeah... ok, I'm done. Don't be a stranger, ya hear?

Grant told me to set a schedule up, that way I have my time partitioned and know what to do with myself -- here goes:

Monday
9:45a Wake-up/Shower
10:45 Great Conversation
11:50 Chemistry
12:45p Lunch
1:20 Homework Catch-up
2:00 French
3:15 Band
4:50 Relax
6:10 Dinner
7:00 Study Time
9:00 Coffeehouse
12:30a Bed

Tuesday
7:30a Wake-up
11:00 Lunch
11:45 Environmental Studies
1:15p Relax
2:45 Study
4:30 Band
6:10 Dinner
7:00 Study/French Movie
9:00 More Studying
12:30a Relax
1:00 Sleep

Wednesday
9:45a Wake-up/Shower
10:45 Great Conversation
11:50 Chemistry
12:45p Lunch
1:20 Homework Catch-up
2:00 French
3:00 Contra Lesson
4:00 Study/Goof off
6:10 Dinner
7:00 Study
12:30a Relax
1:00 Sleep

Thursday
10:00a Wake-up
11:00 Radio Show
12:00p Lunch
12:45 Environmental Studies
2:15 Relax
3:00 Study
4:50 Band
6:20 Dinner
7:00 “Friends”
8:00 Front Desk
10:00 Study
12:30a Relax
1:00 Bed

Friday
9:45a Wake-up/Shower
10:45 Great Conversation
11:50 Chemistry
12:45p Lunch
1:20 Homework Catch-up
2:00 French
3:00 Chemistry Prelab
5:00 Relax
6:10 Dinner
7:00 Party
1:30a Sleep

Saturday
11:30a Wake-up/Shower
12:30p Lunch
1:15 Study
6:00 Dinner
7:00 Playtime
12:00a Front Desk
2:00 Relax
2:30 Sleep

Sunday
11:30a Wake-up/Shower
12:30p Lunch
1:15 Study
4:00 Nap
6:00 Dinner
7:00 Study/French Movie
9:00 Coffeehouse
12:30a Relax
1:00 Sleep

Mmmmmhmmmmmmmm..........

Anyway -- here's the other half of my post:

I need to work on being less social on the weekends and at night. I want to see everyone, to run to Target on the weekends, to stay up late and sleep until I feel like getting up, but it won't work. I want all my friends to know that if they don't see my often, it's not because I don't want to be around them, but because I'm having a lot of difficult being healthy and managing to get everything done. This is especially going to hit Jimmy. Lately, the only time I spend with him during the week is while I'm at work and he stops by to do some studying, or studying together in the science center or one of our rooms... and I can barely handle that.

Resolutions:

Try to go out on Fri and Sat nights with friends and boyfriend, so that I can morally force myself to get to work during the rest of the weekend
Have about an hour a day of quiet down time in my room... preferably to tidy things up, chill out, read, or whatever
Go to the science center, or some other comfortable academic place, to read and study...
Listen to happy music whenever possible
Try to see friends at meals, smile, be happy, but not let myself socialize until I have work done for the next day

Yeah.. well, time for French class

I haven't blogged in a week! Yikes! I haven't had much free time, either, so it must seem like I've dropped off the planet, in the words of my mother. Let's see... not much is new with me. Chemistry is proving to be a real bitch and we have another quiz this friday and an exam the week after. There seems to be a lot that doesn't make sense, which is most likely because our profs wrote the book we're using and they don't always fully explain things, i.e. basic info that is crucial to understanding for dunces like me. What else? Hmmm... I am on a new crusade to eat right, exercise more, and get copious amounts of sleep to hopefully start feeling better... I haven't had energy since move-in in August and before that it wasn't even that much. If I don't get at least 9 hours of concentrated sleep time in, I feel like total shit the next day. Honestly, that's not fair! I can never get nine hours, and when I do have the opportunity, my body won't let me stay sleep. What the hell is up with that!? So, life is a bit frustrating right now, though I know it's nothing compared to what Amanda has to deal with. I find I'm missing her a lot lately... her car is acting up and she doesn't have the money to keep pouring into its gas, repairs and maitenance, so she'll have to start driving the buick (which overheats) around town and back and forth from home. In addition, she's going to be waitressing at two different restaurants to pay for these expenses, trying to fit in some homework, and dealing with a boyfriend who doesn't seem to get that she's just barely holding onto all of this. My poor girl... I wish I was there to help her out!

WA! Haven't updated in a while, though not too much to tell...

Characteristic-Lauren's blog-type list:

-survived midterms and hope they went relatively well... i'm most worried about g con (AHHH!)
-stayed at school on Fri with Jimmy... had good conversations and loafed around after tests
-managed to have second depressive episode thus far at school (off to much better start than last year and mr. hat wasn't scared or annoyed, so phew)
-came HOME!
-got hair trimmed (not the best great clips job ever done, but it'll suffice)
-helped Noah with a big project for school
-talked to Grant on phone for long period of time, gossiped like school girls, and planned for his lovely dinner this sat night
-saw movies with the Johns: "Trinity River" at the oh-so-orgasmic EP AMC theatre with the squishy, red seats and the 1950's version of "Sabrina" which was actually my first Audrey Hepburn movie and it was lovely... simply lovely. I'm going to search for "La vie en rose" as soon as I get back to school
-talked with Jimmy online and on the phone, which has been quite fun, even if we kept each other up too late
-went to doctor because I always get sick - got good lifestyle advice and will hopefully have bloodwork tests back soon... unfortunately, they poked through my vein so it bled all over in my arm and still hurts
-got to spend time in lovely red room
-went to the mall, had mini-clearance-shopping spree at Gap and oggled the shoes in Von Maur... I've decided that after the T-straps, I'm going to look into leather boots... mwa hahaha... maybe I'll get some on clearance
-brought new bras: one is pretty with flowers and lace (must show meg), the other is a neutral shade to replace the one where the underwire stabs me in public and forces me to rummage about my boobs in front of large gatherings of people (not v. good)
-am going back to school tomorrow morning, then ben and I are making the hike to Hinckley to pick up a certain person we all know
-can't wait to see people, esp. to hear about megan's weekend
-still need to use silver polish on clarinet
-am going to watch all of "A Man for All Seasons" tonight with family
-must do homework... ugh
-am going to try to speak up in con with renewed fervor and scorn for people who impose their views unfairly upon others... g con crusader of sorts, fighting for the right not to take ourselves too seriously
-ahhh... it smells good at home
-realized have not set foot in next-door catholic church in over two years...
-perhaps a visit to the unitarian church in northfield is finally in order, as is a blue mondays run as soon as humanly possible
-bye for now from a gimpy-armed girl! :) love to all

The most nicest, most thoughtful and exciting thing yet done for me:

Today, as I'm sure I've mentioned to everyone on the planet, WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR ONE MONTH. And the we to which I refer is of course Mr. Hat and I. ;) Mwa hahhahahah! And I was told tonight that I a) would not be eating dinner in the caf and b) would be absconded at exactly 6:45pm. So, at a bit before 6:45 (according to my watch, at least), I made my way over to Hilleboe only to be met by Ben who led the way back over to Larson (which is only because I was two minutes late, says Jimmy... hmph, lol) to wait for a few minutes in the lounge. After this, I was blindfolded and led by Ben to his car where we proceeded to drive around for 20 mins in order to totally disorient me while a certain someone was carrying through with his main plan. After a bit of a dizzy and car-sick ride (after all, no horizon to look at to keep steady when blindfolded), I was led out of the car and to someplace on campus (so I inferred from the smell, breeze and leaf content on the ground), still unable to see. I was left standing in the dark for a moment before lo and behold I was able to take the bandana off my eyes to find myeslf on the hill behind Old Main standing in front of a picnic dinner (complete with taper candles, blanket, music (a la laptop), sparkling grape juice and wine glasses, and last but most certainly not least, boyfriend.) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First of all, I was stunned that such an exciting plan had been concocted by Jimmy in a matter of days for the celebration of certain month anniveraries. Second of all, I felt so special! :) It was sooo sweet and what a perfect way to spend a fall evening! That boy is so thoughtful! No one has ever done anything like that for me... I feel a bit spoiled, esp since, after a pizza, we got to munch on a double chocolate fudge cake that he had specially gotten at the bakery in town while listening to excellent romantic type songs. Among the bests: Everything I Do (from the critically acclaimed (by the St. Olaf Band) movie, Robin Hood: Prince of Theives. Mwa hahahahaaha... life cannot get any better and I have the most wonderful boyfriend ever.

Ok, some interesting events happened since my last blog. Unfortunately, one of them contributes to the fact that I haven't yet updated this to tell everyone. Well. Here we go:

Good news:
-chem lab was actually fun this week and thanks to my mad work, we finished A HALF AN HOUR AHEAD OF SCHEDULE! This brings unprecedented joy to my heart as I have time to chill after daunting chemical tasks and a lot of iodine everywhere
-Grant played me the piece he wrote my for my birthday and WOW! That's about all a girl can say... just that it was incredible and I was incredibly ashamed for not having heard it earlier? What was my problem? I just don't know.
-Jimmy and I will have officially been dating for a month tomorrow. WOOT! :) I am completely thrilled. We have a very interesting way of interacting and I think it takes some people by surprise. I suppose that will happen when you are friends for quite some time prior to going out and have steadily teased one another as much as he and I do. Mwa hahahahahahaha. But seriously, I can tell him anything, anything on my mind at all whether it concerns classes, grades, he and I, home, music, ponderings of what penguins might be up to AS I SPEAK (I mean, who wouldn't want to think about them?), and hearing about the cats as I occasionally pick bits of hair off my clothing and play the "whose fur is this" game. lol... you just don't find someone that patient and kind and fun and super-fricking nice to you and that you love to be around like.. ever. That was totally incoherent, but I think I get my point across: Jimmy, you're awesome!
-I realized this weekend what good friends I have... particularly in the dept of John K., John A., Grant (well duh there), Meg (another duh) and Jimmy (a super big duh). The Johns were here on Sat and John K and I devoured a pizza on Fri night. It was such a good time. I love them all. I really do.
-Hmmm... Andromeda (for those who don't know, this is my laptop) is fixed and happy for the moment (for the moment being the key phrase here). Who knows how long that will last?
-Grant lent me Delilah, his second-born child, for the week in case my own baby dies again. Jimmy lent me his wireless internet base and all I can say is that it rocks to type in bed!
-The sky is very blue today.
-I am not too-horribly tired
-Despite that, I plan to collapse on Jimmy and Jacob's futon today at precisely 1:16.... good plan.

Bad news:
-no fort contest because Meg and Grant got lost in the cities and then Grant's beautiful new Blazer's transmission started to go. Talk about a bad day.
-ummm... no one freak out (esp. you, Mom) but Grant, Meg and I had a small run-in with Public Safety over the weekend. Don't worry, we didn't get in any trouble, but I did spend a significant portion of the night hiding in a strange house's windowell. For further details, ask me personally. Talk about a bad night, esp for Grant and Megan who had already paid their "today sucks" dues.
-afterwards, Peter and Mia decided to have an intervention. It's certainly their perogative to talk to Grant if they feel he's going astray, has become a "follower" of Megan and I, like he's not reaching his full potential, etc. but they picked the worst time to do it. Grant was so upset that he was physically sick and then they started in on him. I mean, honestly!!!!! How could any person ALIVE have been expected to patiently take their criticisms, complaints and insults (saying Grant has no mind of his own) at this point? He's just had one of the worst days of his life. He doesn't need anyone to make it even more horrible. I called Grant's room after we got back because Meg and I guessed he was getting reamed out. And he was. And I tried to talk reasonably to Peter. I understood that he and Mia cared about Grant, but I wanted to make it clear that anything they said tonight would have a bad and negative effect and that they would do well to discuss it tomorrow, but apparently Peter was holding the phone away from his ear. :( So much for the voice of reason. Then Grant picked up and told me what was occuring (WWIII) and I could hear Peter screaming in anger and frustration in the background and (I think) hitting something. It was terrifying to listen to! It reminded me of times at home when Dad was so mad at me that I was afraid he'd do something.... I was shocked to hear that over the phone... I told Grant to come over to Hilleboe and just leave the situation be. So we all sat sort of shatted that night, watching the Princess Bride. To top it all off, I came back to my room to find my laptop was completely broken.

The following morning at 7:30am, I left with the St. Olaf Band in the buses to give a concert in Richland Center, WI. After a cumulative total of 8 hours in a bus, I was wiped when I got home. Andromeda still wasn't working and I was greatly saddened to learn that Peter was no longer friends with Megan. They had started talking on the internet the summer before we all moved in and it seems terrible to just trash all of that. Oh well... it's not my place to interfere.

Anyway, yesterday classes dragged on and I felt completely drained from the band trip, even though I had ample amounts of sleep. I still feel quasi-sick today. What is wrong with me? Am I just over-sensitive to normal headaches and pangs that other people ignore? Do I get sick at the drop of a hat because I have a weak immune system? I can't understand why I seem to need about 9 hours of sleep a night (and sometimes still feel tired) and why I go from cold to cold and don't feel better! ACK! Who knows....

So, three tests on Friday. I started studying for french yesterday and I'll hit the chemistry today, too. Great con... god himself only knows how I'll pull out of that one. Time to make study guides, I guess.

OOH! One more really good piece of news: I worked at the coffeehouse last night and it was AWESOME! By far, this will be the best job I've had. I like making snacks and drinks, the people I've met are all great, good music is always playing and you get to interact with people from the dorm. YAY! That makes me happy thinking about it... I can't wait to work next week! WAIT! Shoot... it'll be two weeks from now. See? I'm sad.

Anyway, time to eat some food -- talk to ya'll later!

Hmmm... no fortbuilding today... My fort team wasn't around so I went back to bed and this was lovely. And then I took a shower and shaved my legs (also lovely) and then tweezed my eyebrows (sorely needed to be done) and now all is good. Except lotion... could really use some lotion. And easy mac and ahhhhhh, that's better. Warm, cheesy easy mac. Where have you been all my life?

What else is new with me? This weekend we have a performance in Richland Center, WI, which is a tiny little town south of La Crosse. The SOB hightails it at 9am Sunday morning and is [hopefully] back by 9pm the same night. Phew, that'll be a long day. But fun. Yes, very fun. Bass clarinet power! :) Hopefully we'll have master Dr. Mahr's new piece by the time it's featured in public performance....

There's a fort building contest in the Larson Coffeehouse this Saturday! HOW FUN IS THAT!? I need to make a plan! And get supplies... excellent, excellent.

I boycotted blogging for a while because I didn't have anything pleasant to write. However, this is going to change. I will find good things to say about my regulars and classes and not focus on nasty-smelling beetles that sizzle. My away message last night:

this is gonna sound sick, but I'm having a lot of fun right now taking the Japanese beetles and roasting them on the lightbulb of my floor lamp to hear them sizzle. Ah the smell of environmental venegeance!

Perhaps my pleasure in the destruction of foul, invasive species is a little too high? Oh well, soon enough the frost will do them away. 'Tis the life of a seasonal nuisance.

And now,

I was poking around the St. Olaf website and found fun things that Dean Kneser and his wife had compiled for students to do on dates with significant others or friends or whatever. We should do these and soon!

Play hide-and-seek in a cemetery.
Throw a "How to Host a Murder Party." If you do not have a set of instructions with character roles and plot background, borrow one…get people to dress for the part.
Get 50 yards of plastic sheeting at a building supply store, buy a couple of gallons of generic vegetable oil and make your own Slip 'n Slide®.
Go to Econo Foods® and pretend you are doing a psychological study on embarrassment. Find out how many people will actually tell you their most embarrassing moment.
Play "Capture the Flag" in K-Mart®.
Play "Hair Salon." Get some hair spray, sculpting gel and make outrageous hairstyles for each other. Don’t let your date see it until you are done.
Make and throw paper airplanes off of the balcony in Buntrock Commons or in the Chapel.
Dress up in suits and go downtown with a set of walkie-talkies and play spy vs. spy.
Race Hot Wheels® cars down St. Olaf Avenue.
Build a snowman outside of your friends' window to greet them when they get up in the morning (Grant and Peter this is for you!!)
Climb inside of a big cardboard appliance box and slide down Old Main Hill when it's icy
In the fall, get a bag of tulip, crocus, or daffodil bulbs and plant them in people's yards at night. In the spring, go back and look for them popping up all around town (sometimes called Green Vandalism).
In the fall, go into town, pick a house, and rake their leaves and jump in the pile. Leave them a note thanking them for the use of their yard. In the winter, go back to the same house and shovel their snow. Leave them another note.
Tell ghost stories on the back steps of Old Main at midnight on Halloween.
Roll down Old Main hill in the fall. Then parade around campus wearing your "Souvenirs". (Rolling down twice is good - three times makes you sick).
Go to a local reception hall (The Legion), dress up and join a wedding reception, birthday or retirement party.
Chaperone a Junior High dance together.
Create a Latin Dance Club in your room. Dress up in sexy outfits and dance the night away. (Dean Kneser!!!)
Go downtown and try your hand at being street musicians. See how much money you can make. (meg?)
Get a hold of a record player, some old 45's, and have a retro dance party in your room.
Watch the Discovery Channel but turn the volume off and do your own voice-overs.
Go downtown to Bridge Square and people watch…make up stories about the people who are there.
Go to Target dressed in khaki pants and red shirt. Walk around and pretend to be employees, helping people.
Sit on the curb near the St. Olaf entrance with a sign that says, "___or bust!" with really outrageous places on it. See if you get any rides.
Go try on outrageous clothing together at Ragstock or Target’s clearance section. Create some stylish outfits for each other and model the outfits. If cheap enough, buy the clothes and wear them around town for the rest of the day.
Squirrel stalking.

I thinks that's enough for now kids... we should plan to do one of these on Friday night!

On behalf of Megan,

I would like to dedicate tonight's rant to her problems with Charlie's parents. Megan is a nice girl, she is a polite girl, she has been clearly brought up with good manners and is never offensive toward anyone. How the Wilkins parents could have missed this meeting her several times is beyond me. And honestly, who should know better than her roommate? Meg's a wonderful person and I am astounded at how she's been treated by Charlie's family, especially his dad. Meg: we love you! Don't worry about those meanies!

A really bitter entry:

There was going to be this dance in the Pause for Homecoming. Thinking it was Fri night, I was really excited and talked to most of my non-enthusiastic friends about going. Two said sure, one doesn't like dances, another said maybe, and two said they'd play pool instead. Well. Then I realized this dance was the same night as my concert and band party. Drat. Even better than dancing is meeting new and nice people from band, thus establishing friendships and bonding pre-Mexico tour. But, I didn't want to completely miss the Pause, either. So, I thought I'd split my time between the two. Anna and I were gonna hit up the band social at 10, then make our way to the Pause at 11, then I'd go to work at 12.

Right. We waited outside Christiansen for nearly 30 mins, me freezing, and hangin out until the organizers of this soiree showed up. And they did, 45 mins later than planned, only to tell us that the bandie party had been moved to the Norweigan House, which was all the way down Old Main Hill. I had planned concretely to find Grant and Jimmy at 11pm in the Pause, so clearly this wouldn't work. I had said I would call the others (Jacob, Megan who seemed to be hanging out on their own for the night) when I was heading to the Pause. After calling Grant and Jimmy, Anna, Audrey (who came along) made our way down to the Norweigan House in the cold, trying to steer clear of Public Safety.

We stayed there for a while, meeting bandies and having a generally great time. At about 11:30 (after not too long at the party I'd really wanted to go to), I asked Audrey and Anna if they wanted to stop by the Pause. I figured, though I was later than expected (obviously) but that I'd left an informative away message up and that anyone who needed to find me could talk to Grant and Jimmy, that I could call Meg and Jacob when I got there.

Ok, so we walk up, it's cold, but we make it inside the Pause at 11:40ish to find everyone (including Jacob and Megan who I figured "ahah! I don't have to call them: they're here already!") there hanging out. We planned to stay and chill for a bit before work. However, Megan decided to head back and Grant disappeared. Meh, it was all good. Jacob, Anna, Audrey, Jimmy, Ben and I danced for a bit and then decided the music was not-so-good, and it was 12:10 and I ran to work. I thought everything was ok, because plans change and it's not a huge deal if you're late and you have a good reason and you let at least someone know to alert the rest. Right? Haha.

Grant comes with Jimmy to Larson while I'm working to deliver the message that everyone's "really mad I ditched them." WHAT THE HELL!? Band, guys, is a big deal. A bigger deal to be in than you non-music folk might realize. And meeting people is important. And if the party is delayed an hour, then you roll with the punches and manage to show up for a little while. I realize that I said I'd be calling and heading to the Pause around 11. This didn't work out. Big deal -- I'm sorry I couldn't make it at 11. I got there within an hour. It's my choice whether or not I think socializing with my band is important enough to be late to something else. So be a friend and try to be understanding! No one left me ims wondering where I was, no messages on the board or on the answering machine! It's not like anyone else ever bothers to organize things to do on the weekends...

And so, I explained things to Grant, we agreed that there was a mutual miscommunication, and that things would be ok in the future as long as changes in plans were specified and complaints voiced. I talked to Jacob a bit, and though I went to sleep fuming, I think it's ok. Meg? She didn't talk to me all through lunch. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not worth her time... like our friendship is mundane because we lived together last year. But maybe that's just because I feel like she goes out of her way to see people like Jacob. I promised Charlie to watch out for her, but she rarely tells me anything of import these days, so who knows.......

The bulk of why I'm bothered isn't that my friends called me on being late when I had plans with them. It's that I tried to make it known where I was/why I wasn't on time, and though they knew this, they weren't at all understanding. It's the St. Olaf Band, by God. And it was my first concert. And it was a big deal. And I didn't want to feel like I couldn't adjust my schedule when things outside my control changed... I guess next time I won't bother to invite people to do anything. I've learned my lesson there.

Do yourself a favor: get a map of the US. Read where the states are, learn their capitals, get a feel for major land forms, time zones, basic climates and cultures. Then you won't be an geographic ignoramus!

I've decided that I look like a ghost today. I sort of feel like I'm floating, my voice is weird, and there's no color in my face. Yup, a ghost. It's actually quite amusing.

Lauren's thought bubble today...

Feeling better -- can walk up stairs without wanting to tumble over
Laundry? The fresh warm clean clothes=goodness
probably ought to practice an etude for Dr. Polley
wonder if she thinks I am technically-inept slacker clarinet player...
is my mouthpiece fixed yet? can it be fixed? oh dear... horrid thoughts of having bits of paper rolled up under my ligature for the concert make me shudder
soul calibur II... mmmmm... that's right, Kilik
Orlando Bloom is very good looking with pointy, elf ears
maybe I should do the dishes... I think things are growing in some of them
3 whole hours to do whatever I please=luxury
pizza from grant and peter yesterday was yummy
printer crisis will finally be averted by entrance of a new love into my life: the HP 5550
interesting to think of one's prized possessions as animate and owning some type of soul
erica's music mix is tres good ... ooh! moby now
my flowers from jacob are finally wilting
cannot do stand crew this weekend as family is coming and have not seen father since heart surgery... such is the stands' lot
concert! ack! wow... that's very soon... what if I sound terrible!?
MY LESSON IS TOMORROW!
I Love NY
thought bubbley pages=much funness
chris is leaving for england on fri... I would be scared if it were me, but he's not
wonder what penguins in antarctica are doing right now
need knee-high-fuck-me boots from home, simply for the pleasure of having them here
also need black concert shoes from mom
also could use canvas mary janes (so comfortable)
i like shoes
i think i have a shoe fetish
they really do get me excited!
is that odd?
no, methinks everyone would love shoes as much as i if they had the gift
macaroni penguins=tres cool
environmental studies was outside today! it was highly exciting, sitting on the hill and looking out across the country
methinks i need to observe some of the sunsets behind hoyme hall...
methinks i should boycott shoes tonight
methinks the caf would kick me out
haha... nice try caf workers!
it is highly liberating to have a stream of consciousness journal entry, makes one feel very content with life as it is
bed needs to be made
my bed is soft, and nice, and pretty, and my happy place
am drinking a big glass of milk
methinks i need a moustache
haha, there we go
yum
milk
i hope this doesn't go bad too soon
nope
i'll drink it all up before that happens
sometimes, it's most fun to pretend you're really very young and on holiday from your home, parents, cats, etc., but that you'll be going back to being a child again soon
maybe the milk takes me back
i think i still pretend a lot of things
it's very fun to imagine yourself as someone else, someplace else, and farrrr from this time
maybe i'll just be a child forever
and just pretend that i grew up, went to college, etc.
yes, i think that's a very good idea
back to playing now :)

JESUS! THE SAME DAMN PRINTER INACCESSABILITY AS LAST WEEK! WHEN WILL THIS END!?

WOOT! WOOT! WOOOOOOT!

So, here's my printer rant: I think all the printers in this school are conspiring against us. I tried four of them today before I could get my ES paper to print. Coincidence? Nay, it's a plot! Think about it -- the printers can communicate too easily with one another, too easily! We're letting them bring seige upon us! There they sit in our bulidings, dorms and rooms, looking bored and innocent. What else do they plan to do but conspire to take over the school... making it impossible to print our papers when we need to. Bastards. Then one day, they all stop and what do we do? We can't turn in assignments, so we flunk out. St. Olaf no longer gets our every last penny, so it can't afford to stay open. And then the printers have taken over! Do yourself a favor and kick the next one you see before it can bite your legs off. Yeah, that's right, BITE YOUR LEGS OFF!!!!!

After Grant's profuse amounts of comforting beverages and quite a bit of counseling (is this his calling? I'm not sure, but he's damn good at it), I decided I ought to talk to Jimmy... Just to get a few things off my chest, mind you, but I still was dragging my feet. We went to see "Au Revoir Les Enfants" with Kris, Jacob, and Brittany Bensch for French. I have to say, it's silly that I haven't hung around Kris for longer -- she's just so much fun! Afterwards, we (the Hat and I <- that nickname just sticks!) walked back to Hilleboe. Jacob was sure to plan everything so that way he'd be gone for 2+ hours and we could, then everything would be ok again, we could all live happily ever after with some garden gnomes. These are, of course, essential. Well, we talked, and it was quite good. I certainly felt more relieved. And then it was back to French and Chem studying and the occasional love-fest with Sir Thomas and his Utopia. Anyway, it was nearly 1 am, and though I don't have classes til late on Monday mornings, I still wanted to get back to Larson and crash. However, did this happen? I started to say good night to him, giving him a hug, etc. and the hug lingered and we just sat talking on the floor. Jacob had long since gone to bed, but had cheerfully told me as he was climbing onto the loft that I could stay and even be loud, he'd just turn on some fans (how wise that man is!). Vwellll... one thing led to another and then we were kissing. And it wasn't distracted, "what am I doing" kissing, it was excellent, purposeful, and quite a bit more than fun. Now (and you'll all shriek with laughter here), after over an hour had passed (Jacob was asleep like a rock, don't worry) in this spirit, I actually started to get ready to go. You know all those fun little comments that always seem to get said at exactly the right time in exactly the right situation in movies, but you never can duplicate that sort of timing in real life? Yeah, well, now I have found that such realities do exist... and ummm, wow. Well -- this has been detailed enough to satisfy even Grant and Meg's desires, so I am going to continue studying and... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Ok, so here's my bit: sometimes, you meet a person who leaves such a deep imprint upon you that even if you meet someone new, it's like a few drops of rain in a deep hole and even if now, it's raining, it still doesn't fill that up...

Grant and Nic had very good ways of advising me on this:

Nic's advice: "about this chris thing, it reminds me about the situation I had with Nicole... for a long time I believed her my soul mate and everytime I would meet a girl I would try comparing her to Nicole in some way or form... being oh she is cool like Nicole, but still not her, but I will still try getting to know that girl anyways... I just kept on doing that for a while, until I eventually realized that no one will be her but her, no one will ever be the same... part of that has really hurt trying to look past because she was who I considered my soulmate for a while, but eventually the musicbox will stop and you will be left with the options either go and focus your life on what that person was to you and what the relationship was like, or go forward realizing everything that is to come is a new expierence mayhap in the end better than what you had with that person you got close to."

Grant's advice: "if such a thing can make us better people, than i think it is worthwhile. it may not be an earth-shattering romance. it may not even be a remarkable romance, at least to begin with, but it's still an opportunity to be with another human being and an opportunity to become a better human being."

Clearly, they have a lot more wisdom than I do in this case! :)

I think I need counseling... my romantic life is too messy!

Wow... haven't blogged in a while... I've sorta been turned off since I was recording this long, elaborate dream and it lost all my work because my session timed out... bastards. Anyway, think past week has been... odd? Classes have been fun, but I'm not sure what's going on between a certain friend of mine and I. People keep asking if I've changed my mind about him and I have to reply "yes, several times." I keep comparing every prospective boyfriend to Chris. It's terrible after two years to do this, but I still keep coming back to the conclusion that I'm still not over him. Little things remind me of him and of dating him, and they trigger this involuntary flood of emotion. I do not want to be caught in a perpetual limbo, unable to move on and unable to let go.

SO! The first day of classes and my very first performance in the St. Olaf Band. I think Intro to ES will be alright... I'm gonna learn how to read more critically, that's for sure. And so far, the ES text is great. I likes it a ton. And, it's just awesome to be back on campus. Learning new subjects (esp. the environmental stuff for me) and nearly always having someone you can visit or an event you can attend, how much better can it get? I've been doing my readings as soon as I can (which I will hopefully continue) and I'm EVEN GOING TO BREAKFAST TOMORROW! Who knows, perhaps this year I can stay positive and cheerful even through the winter months... Mom, you ought to be proud of that breakfast b/c I'm getting up at EIGHT AM! Then I think I'll try to get one of those new ID cards... they look sooo cool! I've been thinking about humans and our place in the world. I can't believe how arrogant some people are, thinking that the earth is ours to muddy and squash under our highly-superior feet. We all live here, and if we aren't more cautious in our pollution and treatment of our home, soon enough we'll have to look elsewhere to camp. ERGGGGG! I wish more people looked into global warming. Anyway, I'm done for tonight. Night ya'll!

I haven't blogged it up in a while, man. What a slacker! Well, yesterday was Nic's birthday. I made him a few signs, though unfortunately, none for his door because his roommate scares me. I hope he's not too sad. Then we took Mr. Birthday boy out twice: once to eat dinner at Hogan Bros./ice cream in Cocoa Bean and the other to buy him a joke-gift of porn/go to Target for necessary supplies like more video games. The former was kinda odd... we called some more friends of Nic's to come, but the table was pretty segregated, us on one side, them on another, with poor Nic in the middle. There wasn't a lot of general conversation. I hope he had an ok time. But, the Holiday run was fun and we all laughed when we went to the register to purchase our items. FINALLY, the Megster and I ran to Hilleboe to visit the chaos that was room 306. WHAT A MESS! And not in the conventional "I've got a lot of random shit on the floor" way. This was uber-mess because it was uber-full of frickin uber-HUGE furniture that Jimmy and Jacob had built. Besides the wide, floor to ceiling shelves from last year, and the bookshelf from Jacob's room last year, there were THREE NEW PIECES which constituted a huge entertainment... complex! All of it hardwood, all of it CARRIED UP THE STAIRS!!!!!! AHHH! I can't even imagine. So, we set up the 6 channel surround sound receiver, 27'' TV, speakers and sub, DVD player, antenna, and made sense of the tangle of wires. Next time I walk in that room, it better be spotless, and I have no doubt it will be because they won't rest 'til it is!

But, today I must turn myself to my FIRST rehearsal with the St. Olaf Band... EEEK! Apparently I am reputed to be a good player, but I'm not, am I? Well, I guess the audition I haven't been practicing regularly for ought to do the trick there... oops. Maybe I'll deslackify myself today after work... yeah... I can kickass... do you ever wonder whose ass you're kickin? Some ass, even though I'm not sure which one. Maybe if I see a gimping ass, I'll know.

Today was a good day. Full night of sleep. Mom and Noah came up and we hung out with Meg and her ma. Dinner at China Buffet, a few hours of work, going to Chicago with some of the mates, and a few more gadgets and gizmos for the room. Quite a lot of fun. Erica is growing on me and it's absolutely SPIFFING to have the Megster back. How I have missed thee, Moo-moo! Jacob and Jimmy move in tomorrow -- how exciting, all 600 volts! I ought to get on top of my audition, too....... Hmmm... better practice and sign up for practice rooms! Much to love to all the viewers out there (lol) and a VERY HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY TO NIC!!!!