kicking back with St. Olaf

Damn, it's cold on campus! But, it's damn good to be back.

Details of break: I got sick on Christmas Day night and it lasted until NEW YEAR's Eve. I tried to visit Jimmy after Christmas and came down with a 103 fever so my parents had to come all the way up to Askov to get me. He was super sweet, though. I spent the subsequent days at home trying to sleep and relax and get better. I got to see the PHANTOM with Jennifer and Anna on Wed night and it was delicious fun. I came back and collapsed. I went out to dinner with the girls from home on Thurs (and ate pizza doused in mushrooms). Finally on Friday, things were better -- Jimmy came down and we had some fun at Justin's house with the gamecube. We've played cards and had fun and now we're back at school. He's here for a week before going back and getting ready to leave. I'm trying not to think about that.

Ahhh... so now, it's time for the wonderful laidbackness of interim. Tonight I've eaten pizza in the lounge, watched Sex and the City, talked with Cathy and Jennifer, put on lotion, and taken a shower. Yeah. Happy New Year.

the limestones

I was hanging around the Admin building today finishing some last minute errands:
*new parking permit (which I didn't have to pay another $150 for!!! w00t!)
*finishing course eval from afore-mentioned missed final
*waiting for the Fin. Aid people to get back from lunch so I could drop off coffeehouse paperwork
While I was waiting around, I stopped to look at the limestone walls. I didn't used to like the look of the campus but after writing a bazillion pages about the limestone, I decided to take a closer look. It was remarkable: the way all the different stones magically fit together, all the strange textures and colors. I had never really appreciated limestone for how flawed and yet perfect it was. Kind of like St. Olaf itself. Or the art projects I've been working on lately and their randomness. Or Jimmy and I. Well, it's better late than never to finally see things for how they are: wonderfully flawed.

who forgets their final!?

Ok, not quite. I forgot to go to my "final" which was really filling out course evals. But still. Sometimes I even surprised myself with stupidity. I'd like to say that I'm getting ready to go home and blah blah blah, but I've still got two days here at school. To celebrate, I took the cheese container from the coffeehouse (which would otherwise rot over break) and am going to make myself nachos. The last final is in 15 mins so I figure I can turn on carols with my door open again. I'm a slacker RA. Actually, I have to be a non-slacker! There are literally 20+ room changes happening on my floor (out of 40 something people). I think my floor is setting the campus-wide record. Take that graduating seniors in Ytterboe! Anyway, it has just occured to me how quickly break will go by (which is probably good considering I'll be dreading Jimmy leaving). When I get home, I'll do some last minute shopping. Then we're all going out for John Aho's bday (hope I can find vegetarian food at the Greek restaurant). Then it's Christmas! The day after, I'll head up to Jimmy's house for a couple of days. Then I'll be back to have a sleepover (I feel so teenage!) with Jennifer and Anna to oggle Gerry Butler as Phantom. Then it's New Years and Jimmy's back. So, I think it'll be a safely good holiday. I'm going to try to do some beading -- maybe I can convine Amanda to do it with me! :) Yay. I'm so excited for the holidays!

approaching the critical point

That "critical point" would be my temp and pressure are reaching explosive levels.

Disclaimer: I apologize if I've been short tempered with anyone reading this.

I know this is a busy time for everyone. We all have classes that require papers, presentations, projects and exams of us. However... I don't know anyone else who's in a top ensemble, is an RA (no offense to JCs, but try being on duty 6 of 8 nights in a row) and helping advise their hall council, and trying to keep track of a functioning business on top of these normal academic duties. I'm not saying that less busy people are luckier than me or that I envy their freedom. What I am saying is that I wish these people would stop complaining loudly in front of me about how hard their life is "ohh, I have so much work to do -- pity me even though I spent last night getting really drunk." You just want to smack something when you're expected to be sympathetic to this.

Ok, I'm done ranting. I've actually been really productive writing my mega-paper this weekend. After about... oh, 25 hours of serious writing after weeks of research, I'm proud that I'm nearly done! It means I haven't gone out and done anything since Thanksgiving Break, but ah well.

On a much happier, more cheerful note, Jimmy decided to take it upon himself to clean my disastrous room last night at 1am. Instead of boxes, papers, and clothing everywhere, he organized, folded and put everything away. It's sooo wonderful in the room now! I can't thank him enough. Last night's Mellby Holiday Party was a TON of fun. People enjoyed the gifts, s'mores, and ice cream. Paul and Casey performed a fabulously amusing rendition of "The Night Before Christmas." It was the best thing I'd done in weeks and certainly helped motivate me to work on my paper. I think Sex and the City: season 4 just came [FINALLY]. I hope my DVD player decides to start working by the time I get it tomorrow!

things to keep living for

An inherent, even necessary part of life is loss.

Earlier this year, I was amazed by the cyclical qualities of time. Despite this certain things, like birth and death, remain constant. And now I've experienced death up close at an age old enough for it to sink in and change the way I see everything. While the idea of losing everyone I love at some point or another is terrifying, truly we must go on to some better place after death. I feel it more clearly than ever before. The consolation to be found in loss is that the person you loved endures in some way, both in memory and spirit.

I can see and hear Nic so clearly... I have to believe still he exists.

God bless, everyone. Good luck with finals.

something fun

It was getting very sad here. I thought I'd put this in for fun.

What is your secret Magical Power
Name
Favorite Harry Potter Book	The Sorcerer's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prisoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Order of Phoenix
Favorite Candy	Toothflossing Stringmints Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans Chocolate Frogs Blood PopsJelly SlugsPepper Imps Droobles Best Blowing Gum Sugar QuillsFizzing Whizbees
Hogwarts House	GryffindorHufflepuffRavenclawSlytherin
Favorite Teacher	DumbledoreSnapeMcGonnagalBinnsHagridLockhartLupinMoodyFlitwickHoochSproutUmbridgeQuirrelTrelawneyFirenze(The Centaur)Other
Age and Sex
You Special Power:	You are an Animagus, You have the ability to change to an animal at will.
You use this power for:	Good
You will one day become:	A Hogwarts Teacher, You will teach the students at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardy. You will be Minister of Magic.
You will die by:	you will Make a new Sorcerer's Stone and never die.
This fun quiz by ObliviouslyRyan - Taken 1112 Times.

New - Help with love and dating!

back and forth

Hey... it's me.

So we've been planning Nic's memorial service. I thought I was ok after the rest and distance obtained after Thanksgiving Break, but that was just the hardened me talking. It's unreal to plan this last goodbye. That's what I think of this service as. I just want to do Nic justice, to honor him, and to try to make it through without breaking down completely. Stages of grief for me have been uncontrollable sobbing, dazed detachment from reality, frustration at everything else, attempts to forget anything's wrong, dreams where Nic's ok and it's all been just a big mistake, thankfullness that I got to know such a wonderful guy, guilt, and now back to crying.

Tomorrow is the main service. I'm anxious and sad all at the same time. I'm glad this weekend is a quiet duty one. I don't think I could handle anything much else. Time to go to class.

the owner of this blog is going slowly crazy

Waaaa.... There is so much to get done in the next few weeks, entirely outside of finals:

Wednesday:
class&lab 9am-3:30
meeting w/JP for jury piece 4:30
run to Skog for usher training 5
eat dinner 6
on duty 7-10:30ish
decorate Mellby 8pm
Thursday:
research in archives @ 10ish
meet with Pastor to plan memorial service for close friend 11
lunch 12
reading 1-2
class 2:15-3:40
band 4:50
study/start papers 7-8:30
coffeehouse 8:45-12:15
Friday:
class 9am-12:45pm
memorial service in cities for Nic: 1pm-4:30 or 4:45
performance with clar choir 4:30 *tricky, very tricky
dinner
on duty all night
Sat:
writing, researching, on duty, planning for memorial service, planning hall event
Sun:
8:30-12:00 chapel performance with SOB
that afternoon ushering
on duty all night
hall council at 10pm
Monday:
classes, planning memorial service
recital of Amy 6:45
more duty after that
Tuesday:
saying goodbye to Nic for real.....

For some reason, it was therapeutic to write that all out. Now I just need to force myself through it. No one said this was easy, but they didn't say how hard it was either.

so much suffering in the world

I don't know where to begin. This past weekend my good friend Nic passed away unexpectedly. We gathered last night to remember him and tell funny stories of him. I kept thinking I'd see him any moment and he'd tell us that it was ok, it had been just one awful misunderstanding. But, I can't help but realize that he's gone forever.

Nic was a wonderful guy and probably the kindest person I know. He would drop everything to help you, whether it was carrying your refrigerator up several flights of stairs on move-in day, lending you a prized video game system, helping you rearrange your room, listening to you, give you a ride someplace, meet you in the summer for a spur of the moment movie, or steal you the ONE golden caf bowl in existence. But, he was also sensitive: Nic wrote poems by the gallon and would send them out to us on an alias he created called "midnight poetry." He also took wonderful photographs of campus, his cabin.

I can't believe I'll never see him walking from Larson, hear him yell "AHHHH" and run at me, tickle me, then hoist me over his shoulder and carry me off. Or read all the wonderful poems he had yet to write. Or get to surprise him in the caf while he was working with a hug. Or see him walking around campus when it was literally 20 degrees out in nothing but a tee-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Or just see his smile or hear him laugh. I don't think we realize how intricately connected to one another we are until something terrible happens and all we can do is search for meaning.

I keep wandering around campus in a surreal daze. When I walk by the chime tower, I can't help but think that now my good friend is going to have a chime up there too. I cannot imagine what Nic must have gone through yesterday or what his family must be going through now. We can only pray that God is taking care of Nic now and that he knows how much we love and will miss him.

(insert blood curdling scream)

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU MARIA!? I certainly don't feel pretty, or for that matter healthy, well-rested, sane, or considerate of other human beings.

I AM SICK OF HAVING CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME! I slept for nine hours last night which, on a day when I have to get up at 8:30, is impressive. When I woke up, it was like the hangover from hell. Physically getting out of my bed was painful. Dragging my exhausted ass to class was worse. I don't mean to complain, but this is not normal. I need ten to eleven hours a day of sleep to be able to function normally with my freakish disorder. I've basically had mono for the past 5 years. When will this end!? It's crippling all the time.... I usually pretend I'm totally normal but lately it's been getting to me how far from the truth that is.

When did class work start requiring us to relinquish all pleasure in life for weeks and months at a time? My profs say we should enjoy the nice weather, appreciate our lives as students, think about what's really meaningful to us, etc. as they assign 100 pages of dense reading, a comprehensive exam, a term paper, projects, and response essays. WHAT!? Enjoy what life? Next time they go on about all the free time we have as college students I'll tell them where to stick it.

And, to top it all of, I've become the megabitch from planet "what crawled up your ass and died?" I'm not feeling nice, happy, or leadery. I want my coffeehouse employees to turn in their damn paperwork. I want my residents to be remotely appreciative. And I want Jimmy to stop saying one thing and doing another. His time management skills (or lack thereof due to coursework and boyishness) cause me to freak out on him at least every other day. I wish I did not have so many commitments (like staff retreats and quiz bowl readings) this weekend, because it's f*ing large philosophy paper time!

toblerone!

I had never had a toblerone bar before..... it's Orgasmic cubed! So incredibly good.... Now if only I could rationalize eating lots more, but alas I'm trying to be a slimmer gal. My computer is busted -- won't play any music or restore the system -- but no viruses are to be found! I don't know what happened and it seems as if there's nothing to be done. My computer is like me: clearly not working properly, but no detectable problems. Argh.

one

Jimmy's out of town for the weekend giving a talk at a conference for undergraduate research. PHEW! What a mouthful. It's all so scientific. I don't feel that bad about dropping out of the whole science world for a bit. I realized I've been doing a lot of things lately just to "fit in." I've never been one to follow convention and do what everyone thinks I should. If I had, I'd be sciencing it up with a boring mainstream major, playing a normal instrument, in a very ordinary relationship, and probably at another school since no one, least of all me, expected me to end up at St. Olaf. But, here I am, in the middle of Norweiganland -- RAing, playing a one-of-a-kind clarinet in a major ensemble, dating a wonderful guy who I'll most likely be with for the rest of my life, managing a business, and studing the environmental arts and humanities writing things like landscape meditations.

I guess this blog post is really for me, an affirmation of sorts to say "here I am" and be proud of myself. I'm not sure why this is something I struggle with. So, this is me: I have a really odd home life, a small obsession with garden gnomes, an incredible relationship, a coffeehouse to manage, a band to play in, and a building to help run. I love it. I love the diverse things I do. While trying to talk myself into settling and doing what I think everyone wants me to, I forgot who I am and what I love.

Thus, it's time to start career searching, something that could keep me interested for longer than a week. Jimmy decided that he wants to study planetary sciences! I'm so impressed. He finally found something that could encompass all his interests. There's got to be something out there for me.

hell in a handbasket

After four years of making fun of Bush, everything from his IQ to his inability to speak coherent English to the mock Texas accent he somehow inherited from his New England relatives, how is it possible that the majority of Americans decided he was the one best suited to lead the country. I mean, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM TALK!? Aside from this, the top aides and Whitehouse insiders who describe his administration do not have positive things to say. He's like a muppet without all that Jim Hensen fun. I feel so disgusted with the country. Where are we headed? It's surely not toward greater tolerance for those around the world. Nor is it toward protecting the environment we depend upon for every breath we take. People said they voted based on "moral issues." What does that even mean? The Republican party isn't the example of morality on the vast majority of issues. Even if you're against killing fetuses, you may not have any problem with letting people starve in the streets. Or with letting them breathe toxic air. Or drink polluted water. After all, you can probably afford to save yourself -- who cares about the rest of them? You're successful and it's because you deserve it. The rest of them? Maybe they're just lazy. On second thought, it's America who seems to be lazy. People are so dissatisfied with the last four years... and what did they do? They re-elected the man whoses decisions constitute a sizeable chunk of that dissatisfaction. I'd like to think that when Americans see the need for a change, we make one. But all I'm left with is "we're going to hell in a handbasket."

ponderings

This week promises to be hellish: a large debate in enviro. ethics, a midterm in enviro. political theory, and a landscape contemplation paper for Rohn in Nature and the American Landscape. All large chunks of said classes' grades. Ah well. I read for an NAQT quiz bowl tournament that was held here yesterday. The whole thing was rather surreal: the high school and college worlds collided in one grand anomaly. Quiz bowl at St. Olaf? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't playing and that I went to this college. I suddenly felt like I was 16 years old... it was very strange to have Brian and Chris there, too. Part of me really wished that I was back at Chaska High School, where life was far less complicated and seemed to have concrete meaning through this crazy world of academic competition. It was odd to finish up, walk back to Mellby and step back into reality.

On an unrelated note, it's starting to sink in that Jimmy won't be here second semester... I'd like to think that I'm an independent, 20 year old woman and that I'll be just fine without him around, but I think that's just the lie I'm trying to feed myself to make it easier to see him go. If you figure that he's leaving around Jan 15th or so and that when he comes back in late May, I'll be heading right to Norway for a month, and then it will be the summer. That's quite a long time to be without one's highly significant other.... how depressing.

MUCH later today: I think I've over-involved myself like I always do. Between the coffeehouse, RAing, the Mellby Hall Council, the St. Olaf Band, and all classes, I just want to scream. Tonight's Hall Council meeting just seemed to be filled with animosity. It never had occured to me how much democracy was about the process, and not the outcome. I feel like Hall Council's democracy has slipped to below-par.

Princess Mononoke is really a fabulous film... I wish I could disappear into another world for a bit.

Fall Break

As most of you probably know, I don't count down the days/hours/minutes until I'll next be back at home in Chanhassen. I love home because it's where I came from and my family is there, not because it provides a lot of warmth, rest, or relaxation. This past few days at home turned everything upside down. I can usually figure out what's right to do in a given situation, given the principles that I've adopted throughout my turbulent 20 years. This weekend, however, left me with nothing but confusion. I don't understand how God could allow such terrible things to occur. I'm losing what I thought were the right ways to live. My idea of right and wrong seem to have been put into a blender and blasted to smithereens. Things are so unhappy. There is little meaning to be found in such dreary sadness. Now that I'm back at school, I feel as if I've stumbled back onto my well-worn path, but only to discover that I wasn't really looking around at what actually happens in the world. It would be easier to be judgmental or to place blame, but I couldn't do that... it would only make the world that much worse. I feel like a small raft adrift at sea.

rotten leaf mulchers!

My leaf obsession is coming to an end because the mulchers are out obliterating all th beauty from fall with one fell swoop. :( How sad. Paper #1 is DONE! But my prof. decided to give us very useful tips on not using sexist language (like man instead of humans are created in God's image) TODAY after the papers were totally done. How helpful!!! And, I can tell that she's not a very objective prof so the whole thesis of my paper (which points the blame of environmental crises at Christianity's creation story, frequently using the word "man") will be much less well received than before said class digression! Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I never got the "use plural subjects or she" talk in Con and certainly not in the sciences, where men rule anyway. Did I just miss this? I feel icky, like I'm adding to the gender discrimination in this country. Wait, but since my paper was more a "point the finger" type one, perhaps it's good I blamed men. Women certainly don't have this idea that they need to prove their strength over the natural world. Bah to you, mans!

one nerdy weekend

in which I have done homework for both Friday and Saturday evenings. I hate to say it, but what a relief! After the incessant busyness that was last week, it's a relief to be a bum for an entire stretch of two days while I'm on duty in Mellby. This is the most at-home I've ever felt on the Hill. My room is atrocious, but it's atrociously mine. I can walk around my room naked after I get out of the shower, spread my books about, make ice cream on the floor, stay up til 2am writing one day and go to sleep at 11 the next. Such freedom! So here's to Mellby 312, the best room on campus.

Monday monday...

I attempted to study outside this afternoon, but the autumn leaves were just too spectacular to ignore and stare at "Democracy and Green Political Thought." Rock the Vote is on campus today which is HIGHLY exciting even if it's HIGHLY consumerist. Seriously, they're giving out stuff by the gallon.
This weekend was the St. Olaf Band (by God!)'s home concert. I thought it was one of our best. I haven't felt a real connection to the music as much as I did this year. Saturday night, I could feel it breathing life into all of us on stage and in the audience. It was a series of perfect moments, like watching leaves float by the dozen off of a maple tree. Yesterday I took out Gnomeo and I wandered about the campus taking pictures for a new 3rd floor bulletin board: where's Gnomeo? It will be splendid, I promise.
Also this weekend were my first real experiences as an RA mediator. Roommate conflict sprung up in the quiet Utopia that is usually the third floor of Mellby. I heard some absolutely appalling things coming from one of the roommates and her friend while they were talking in the hall. I had never imagined being disappointed in any of my residents, but that was all I could think of. I felt horrible that they were so rude, that I had heard their comments, and even worse, for the subject of those unjustified words. How is it that people can be so good and so terrible all at once?
There's a bat on the lawn that Cathy and I were trying to take care of. His wing is smashed beyond repair and he'll probably die soon. I know that I shouldn't be too emotional. After all, death is a natural part of life. To never die would be awful. Still, seeing this tiny bat struggle for its life and knowing I am completely powerless is heartbreaking. Life is so cruel sometimes. I guess we have to live for moments like the music onstage or taking photographs of the beauty around you and try to understand the bad things like hallway talk or an innocent death.

lime tositos

I have found a new appreciation for life... in chip form. You could buy my love with lime flavored tostitos. It doesn't take much to win me over.

I AM the Big Bang

as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently. The coffeehouse is opening this weekend and I've had to do everything, train everyone, buy everything and get the whole thing set up. I didn't realize how much work this would involve, mainly because there isn't any set procedure. Whatever I want to do goes. It's empowering and unsettling all at the same time. In addition to the coffeehouse, I'm now wearing a "holter" which is this thing that has wires running to my chest and monitors my heart for 24 hours. It's more than a bit uncomfortable and I'm not even letting myself think about "what if"s. On the bright side, tomorrow night is the Ben Folds concert! I'll be holter free and it'll be the first free night I've had in weeks. :) It's frickin' freezing here, so if you're in MN don't forget your scarf and hot chocolate.