life after high school

I realized that none of my high school friends (with the exception of Chris Mueller) bother to read my blog. Not that there is anything particularly profound in it, but they manage to read each other's Xangas pretty dang well. Come to think of it, I haven't seen many of them in a while. And I don't get the feeling that any of us are really sad about that. Maybe we're all busy, which has been my social limitation this summer, but maybe we're really just apathetic and too busy trying to sort out our own troubles to remember that "HEY, I haven't seen so and so."

John Aho mentioned that it was hard to break out of who people thought you were in high school and I must say I quite agree. I look back at myself and at pictures and I see someone who was more insecure, who was crazy and out of control and liked being that way, who was good at school and liked to be, who got noticed more but didn't listen as well, who was more outgoing and made friends more quickly, and who was just as busy, but had a lot more energy. I feel like I've mellowed. I also can't help but feel that a lot of people from home haven't realized this. I mean, we've all changed. Tim has Jessica and is much more outspoken about what he believes. John Aho goes to Carleton and is subjected to much more rigor than I think we realize. I've never met his friends there, but he goes out with them on the weekends. John K. has gotten much closer to his Gatsby ideal. He works hard, dresses well, and go after that suave gentleman aura. Amanda has given up on classes for a long time. She's done with school and is deciding to work instead. She sees a lot of more of people like her, who live in the area fulltime, than she does of the kb.qb crowd she scorns.

Maybe I'm totally wrong and seeing things from an outsider's perspective. That would only prove my point more. I think it's hard for us to see our friends outside of the box in which we met them. When I try to sit down and have deep conversations with any of my home friends, I distinctly feel that I am being neither listened to nor my opinions really being considered. They're too busy and they're not used to the Great Con me who tries really hard not to interrupt people. Still, I feel like I have more connection with these people who I've known for years and years than I do with many Oles. Am I getting shy or just unwilling to let go of the past?

Isn't college supposed to be the greatest time of your life? Why then do I read so many internet journals in which people are sad, down-trodden, feeling hopeless about job prospects or interpersonal relationships, or wonder what they're going to study/do? Are we really that different from people who went to college before us, or do you only gain that sense of "golden years" after you leave school and realize that the real world is much worse. What do we have to look forward to? Stress, more stress, and then retirement? We think that doing it all is the sign of being successful: having a great career, family, and making enough money to support the latter. I think you make sacrifices of one for the others. Maybe you have a job you like and can spend time with your family, but it doesn't pay that well. Or suppose you have a high-intensity career that gives you all the financial security you could want, but you neglect your family in the process. You could hate your job, love your family.

Where is the sense of meaning that is supposed to be found in life? Maybe what really ties me to Chaska High School, to knowledge bowl, and the people I knew there is that I felt life had more meaning way back when. And I'd like to hold onto that memory for as long as I need to search for it now. Because I feel like I ought to have it all and yet I don't because some critical, maybe spiritual, piece is missing. Maybe a lot of my troubles would be solved by a shorter work week? Maybe if we had the time to tackle them, to read, and to rest our minds and bodies, things could be different. But I think that things are different: a simple life is no long valued, but looked down upon as not having accomplished enough. I guess we're supposed to balance all these pieces like the legs of a table and maybe that's what college really is supposed to teach us. Paths cross and then weave apart again and perhaps I just need to be more open to the current.