ponderings

This week promises to be hellish: a large debate in enviro. ethics, a midterm in enviro. political theory, and a landscape contemplation paper for Rohn in Nature and the American Landscape. All large chunks of said classes' grades. Ah well. I read for an NAQT quiz bowl tournament that was held here yesterday. The whole thing was rather surreal: the high school and college worlds collided in one grand anomaly. Quiz bowl at St. Olaf? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't playing and that I went to this college. I suddenly felt like I was 16 years old... it was very strange to have Brian and Chris there, too. Part of me really wished that I was back at Chaska High School, where life was far less complicated and seemed to have concrete meaning through this crazy world of academic competition. It was odd to finish up, walk back to Mellby and step back into reality.

On an unrelated note, it's starting to sink in that Jimmy won't be here second semester... I'd like to think that I'm an independent, 20 year old woman and that I'll be just fine without him around, but I think that's just the lie I'm trying to feed myself to make it easier to see him go. If you figure that he's leaving around Jan 15th or so and that when he comes back in late May, I'll be heading right to Norway for a month, and then it will be the summer. That's quite a long time to be without one's highly significant other.... how depressing.

MUCH later today: I think I've over-involved myself like I always do. Between the coffeehouse, RAing, the Mellby Hall Council, the St. Olaf Band, and all classes, I just want to scream. Tonight's Hall Council meeting just seemed to be filled with animosity. It never had occured to me how much democracy was about the process, and not the outcome. I feel like Hall Council's democracy has slipped to below-par.

Princess Mononoke is really a fabulous film... I wish I could disappear into another world for a bit.

Fall Break

As most of you probably know, I don't count down the days/hours/minutes until I'll next be back at home in Chanhassen. I love home because it's where I came from and my family is there, not because it provides a lot of warmth, rest, or relaxation. This past few days at home turned everything upside down. I can usually figure out what's right to do in a given situation, given the principles that I've adopted throughout my turbulent 20 years. This weekend, however, left me with nothing but confusion. I don't understand how God could allow such terrible things to occur. I'm losing what I thought were the right ways to live. My idea of right and wrong seem to have been put into a blender and blasted to smithereens. Things are so unhappy. There is little meaning to be found in such dreary sadness. Now that I'm back at school, I feel as if I've stumbled back onto my well-worn path, but only to discover that I wasn't really looking around at what actually happens in the world. It would be easier to be judgmental or to place blame, but I couldn't do that... it would only make the world that much worse. I feel like a small raft adrift at sea.

rotten leaf mulchers!

My leaf obsession is coming to an end because the mulchers are out obliterating all th beauty from fall with one fell swoop. :( How sad. Paper #1 is DONE! But my prof. decided to give us very useful tips on not using sexist language (like man instead of humans are created in God's image) TODAY after the papers were totally done. How helpful!!! And, I can tell that she's not a very objective prof so the whole thesis of my paper (which points the blame of environmental crises at Christianity's creation story, frequently using the word "man") will be much less well received than before said class digression! Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I never got the "use plural subjects or she" talk in Con and certainly not in the sciences, where men rule anyway. Did I just miss this? I feel icky, like I'm adding to the gender discrimination in this country. Wait, but since my paper was more a "point the finger" type one, perhaps it's good I blamed men. Women certainly don't have this idea that they need to prove their strength over the natural world. Bah to you, mans!

one nerdy weekend

in which I have done homework for both Friday and Saturday evenings. I hate to say it, but what a relief! After the incessant busyness that was last week, it's a relief to be a bum for an entire stretch of two days while I'm on duty in Mellby. This is the most at-home I've ever felt on the Hill. My room is atrocious, but it's atrociously mine. I can walk around my room naked after I get out of the shower, spread my books about, make ice cream on the floor, stay up til 2am writing one day and go to sleep at 11 the next. Such freedom! So here's to Mellby 312, the best room on campus.

Monday monday...

I attempted to study outside this afternoon, but the autumn leaves were just too spectacular to ignore and stare at "Democracy and Green Political Thought." Rock the Vote is on campus today which is HIGHLY exciting even if it's HIGHLY consumerist. Seriously, they're giving out stuff by the gallon.
This weekend was the St. Olaf Band (by God!)'s home concert. I thought it was one of our best. I haven't felt a real connection to the music as much as I did this year. Saturday night, I could feel it breathing life into all of us on stage and in the audience. It was a series of perfect moments, like watching leaves float by the dozen off of a maple tree. Yesterday I took out Gnomeo and I wandered about the campus taking pictures for a new 3rd floor bulletin board: where's Gnomeo? It will be splendid, I promise.
Also this weekend were my first real experiences as an RA mediator. Roommate conflict sprung up in the quiet Utopia that is usually the third floor of Mellby. I heard some absolutely appalling things coming from one of the roommates and her friend while they were talking in the hall. I had never imagined being disappointed in any of my residents, but that was all I could think of. I felt horrible that they were so rude, that I had heard their comments, and even worse, for the subject of those unjustified words. How is it that people can be so good and so terrible all at once?
There's a bat on the lawn that Cathy and I were trying to take care of. His wing is smashed beyond repair and he'll probably die soon. I know that I shouldn't be too emotional. After all, death is a natural part of life. To never die would be awful. Still, seeing this tiny bat struggle for its life and knowing I am completely powerless is heartbreaking. Life is so cruel sometimes. I guess we have to live for moments like the music onstage or taking photographs of the beauty around you and try to understand the bad things like hallway talk or an innocent death.

lime tositos

I have found a new appreciation for life... in chip form. You could buy my love with lime flavored tostitos. It doesn't take much to win me over.

I AM the Big Bang

as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently. The coffeehouse is opening this weekend and I've had to do everything, train everyone, buy everything and get the whole thing set up. I didn't realize how much work this would involve, mainly because there isn't any set procedure. Whatever I want to do goes. It's empowering and unsettling all at the same time. In addition to the coffeehouse, I'm now wearing a "holter" which is this thing that has wires running to my chest and monitors my heart for 24 hours. It's more than a bit uncomfortable and I'm not even letting myself think about "what if"s. On the bright side, tomorrow night is the Ben Folds concert! I'll be holter free and it'll be the first free night I've had in weeks. :) It's frickin' freezing here, so if you're in MN don't forget your scarf and hot chocolate.

feeling a bit blue

I'm not sure why exactly. I've been quite alone the whole day which is sometimes a good thing in that it could give you perspective and peace of mind. Not so tonight. I am just lonely. I've half a mind right now to give up on reading my enviro ethics article, "The World As God's Body," and just munch on chocolate while watching Sex and the City. What's really depressing me right now are people. I wish everyone had it in their minds to be friendly and welcoming toward one another. I hoped to make some new friends in Mellby, but I keep encountering people who are wrapped up in their own worlds and end up being a bit rude without realizing it. It's disheartening! Why should I keep trying to be Ms. Friendly RA when it's meant with dull indifference? Such a "what reason is there to keep going?" day. Three things, however, have kept up my faith in humanity: Ansel Adams' photographs, Jennifer and Bridget next door, and old St. Olaf Band CDs. God Bless the SOB.

the day of good deeds

It's definitely getting closer to fall, leaving keep falling from trees and even though I fail at trying to catch one for good luck, I know I'll be coordinated enough one day.

It's been both busy and quiet over the last couple weeks. RAing is less of a time commitment, though you have to be ready to do things like delivering 300 phone books the moment they arrive to each room in the hall. It's getting closer to Halloween and my fears of the Mellby ghosts have been rekindled. I keep imagining shadows moving in my room at night and an inability to scream for all I'm worth. In good Mellby news, we had our first social program and it so incredibly fun that I've had a hard time studying over the past few days. I'm doing coffeehouse interview entirely on my own this week and it's both scary and invigorating. "I am supervisor, hear me ROAR!" I think it'll be a good year as far as the jobs are concerned. I just wish I had a bit more time to laze about and read for school.

Fortunately for me, I'm on duty this weekend! Besides writing two papers, I'm going to watch movies with some of the girls, eat roasted chestnuts, put up Christmas lights, clean, and go to Ren Fest on Saturday with Jimmy.

RIGHT! So good deeds! Yesterday, I volunteered for extra duty in Hoyme, ate a quiet dinner alone, was nice to Prof. Welch, did pilates, talked to an old [drunken] friend on the phone, got kissed on the top of my head from a guy who's a bit quirky and had never kissed a girl before, interviewed people, started coffeehouse inventory, did the Mellby fire drill, helped Vanna find a lost earring in the dark, picked up pretty leaves for people, and had a wonderful discussion in environmental ethics. In retrospect some were deeds I did and others were ones exchanged. Meh, it's all good, I guess.

stalkernet

I love looking up random people on stalkernet. Names like "John" are particularly fun because they yield such varied and numerous results. With each person, I wonder what who they are/what their hobbies and interests might be. Did they like the snapshot St. Olaf recorded of their image? Or, did they change it for a particular reason? Have I met this person? Maybe they came across my picture some time and wondered the same questions.... I feel like I know the people from their pictures and that if I did happen upon them, we'd have conversation material. I also assume that all the people are well-meaning and kindly because that's how I'd like to think random people are: just trying to make their own small difference on the world.

On totally random subjects, I spent a lot of time yesterday with doctors. I guess I have an extremely rapid pulse. It seems to be regular, just very fast. I have no idea currently what this means for my health long-term or if it is linked to the fatigue that seems to haunt me. They did draw more blood, much to my dismay. Maybe it'll yield something very insightful, but most likely it's just another two containers of me lost to the ages. I really hate the feeling of the needly poking around in my arm... I tense up and pretend I'm on a deserted tropical island I like to call "Laurentopia."

Incidentally, Laurentopia is my back-up plan. If things don't work out academically, I'll head there to weave underwater baskets. I figure that the great mysteries of life can be revealed through things like basket-weaving, particulaly if water is involved, but that we just tend to write it off as not worthy of our time because of the fast-paced modern life. Right now, before Laurentopia, I intend to put off my ES major decisions for a semester by simply taking other required classes. Currently I am living and breathing environmental thought, art, politics, and map-making. I'm sure something brilliant will occur before the end of the semester, most likely with the help of the Center for Experiential Learning, my destiny-revealing hallucenogen. Being on student staff makes me turn to offices instead of drugs for such things. Not that I ever turned to drugs (maybe alcohol a bit)... ok, anyway.

Last but not least, today Jimmy and I have been dating for a year. Yay! It's by far the most sustainable romance ever. Sometimes I get it in my head that I need Shakespearean drama, but then I remember that it would last for about a microsecond and I'd need something that has laughter and things like cooking and Futurama. Ahhh... what a great boyfriend he is. Here's to you, Boy. :)

Happy New Year

Classes have begun on the ol' hill. After sitting through the first of what will undoubtedly be many painful genetics lectures, I realized that I don't want to major in biology. When I first got here, I was told quite bluntly that I ought to major in bio because it is a real science, unlike environmental studies. So, ok, I did, but not because I actually wanted to. Thus I have run headlong into a wall. I don't think I'm meant to focus just on science. I feel like I left the humanities in the background and now I'm really regretting it. Know what else I'm regretting? WAITING UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR TO HAVE THIS EPIPHANY! Since I have and cannot go back and make things right, I need to figure out what I'm doing in the next few days. I have no career destination at which to arrive [yet] so I'm in limbo. Time to call in the professionals. I'll update on Monday after I've consulted some folks.

I'm so glad I did this!

Thus far, RA training has been a great week. We've been at training each morning around 8:30 am and the nights have frequently gone as late as 11pm, but damn! It's like the best possible thing I could've done with my junior year. You're helping people, but you're also helping yourself. It's like a character makeover. The only times I've felt this confident in myself have been at summer Girl Scout Camp. And it's only getting better as people start to move in. The people living in Mellby all seem really great and I can't wait to get to know them better. Our staff is awesome. Rylan, Josh, and Cate are some of the best and nicest people to work with. Heather (the area coordinator) is super cool. I'm even getting over my fear of the Mellby ghosts, none of whom I have met yet (and half-hope never to meet). This is going to be a wonderful year.

Happy Birthday Mansfield Park!

Actually, no, not the Jane Austen novel. It's the REAL birthday of my blog! I created it one year ago today...

Ahhh... the wonders of weblogs. I ought to write a bit of something on the action at fortawesome.blogspot.com, demonstrative of the crazy power blogging seems to hold over (one can only assume) what were once rational people. The upcoming election seems to have long-since taken hold of many people's minds. Either I just wasn't paying attention last time (which wasn't true) or things are getting much more heated much earlier for the 2004 election. Comments like:
*Make a collection of your soap box and every other liberal soap box, and have yourself a grand bon fire.
*If you feel the need to be this [i.e. the liberal bonfire comment] oppressive, go live in Communist China. (ok, so this one was me)
*WRONG, freaks
*John Kerry is nothing short of evil... He is a lying piece of shit.
and my personal favorite: *Say what you want about being independent or liberal. Say what you want about your wrong viewpoints. Say anything you want about you or your sexual attraction to sticks used by Dan Rather. Do NOT, bash George W. Bush. He is a great man. Fuck you all, assholes. (For further explanation on the Dan Rather comments as well as other, more profane commentary check out grant's blog).

But HONESTLY! Presidential elections make people into raving lunatics. The last few quotes on there are just abysmal. Freedom of speech does not equal freedom of vulgarity! Ugh, what was a decent debate devolved into a mud-slinging contest full of conservative BS from people who don't know Grant at all but somehow think that he deserves that kind of crap? I don't think W. is a great man, or even close to one. Nothing he's ever said could have convinced me of it. And now I'm none-too-impressed by his supporters either.

OMG!

Just came to the sudden realization that Jim Broadbent, who plays Bridget Jones's father in the fab movie, ALSO was Harold Zidler in Moulin Rouge! MY GOD! Talk about a versatile actor! You would never know he was the same guy..... The things you learn on IMDB while bored at work!

the best weekend

I didn't get enough sleep last night, so I'm feeling rather sickish, but I think that writing a nice post might help the fatigue... Socially speaking, it was the best weekend in as long as I can remember.

I took on role of personal shopper again on Friday afternoon when John [Aho] and I hit EP mall to look for some new duds for him. I didn't have to work and it was LOVELY. Was very proud -- only bought one thing for myself (a pair of replacement sunglasses which I may return due to insufficient funds). Later that night, Amanda and I went into Uptown to check out the tea bar we're coming to love dearly. It felt good to get out and even better to just talk candidly with her about the girliest of things.

On Saturday night, it was time to let loose a bit. Now, those who know me know I'm def no drunkard, but it was a good way to get the very last bits of partying out of my system before next week and a year of RA-dom. Aho and Tim had been playing baseball in the front yard and stayed, much to my delight. were the obligatory discussions of baseball and politics. I even tried smoking a ghetto cigar, which was fairly vile. It felt like being back in high school in a good and nostalgic way.

Sunday, I drove to Rosedale Mall to meet the Jimmy and do more personal shopping. It's far more fun to dress one's boyfriend. I was so proud of him! He got actual college-aged things! No more Old Navy poster boy. I shouldn't tease. We all did the walking label thing. It was a good day for me too. I got hot-ass jeans at American Eagle, a couple shirts, and a new little crabbie! I shouldn't say little, cause she's approximately Cami-sized. I think I'm almost scared of her! Still, I hope she survives better than the really vulnerable, little ones. She needs a name though.... If you have suggestions for crab names, do comment.

However, the only down side to this weekend was the ridiculous amount of money spent. Jeans, shirts, new shells, drinks at Starbucks and tea bars. I was a baaaaad girl and I feel guilt-ridden. I wish I could spend little to no money... ever. Still, some purchases are flexible and able to be taken back if need be. And the need may arise quickly. Ack. Time to work, now. Bye to all.

breaking point

You know what? My family's happiness levels have reached record lows. And I am confident in saying that the issue is not me. This summer has been a point of realization for me. I've gotten to see the parental perspective on numerous occasions from coworkers and just people I watch when I'm out. And, my dad is just out of control. I didn't tell really anyone what happened last week, but there was another little skirmish. My dad lost his temper so utterly... it was not pretty. And it would have been enough for me to call police dispatch and report domestic violence. But I didn't. I don't want people to hear indepth about what goes on at our house or for my dad's teaching to be hurt. After all, the very best of him comes out in the classroom to other, luckier, and to him better children.

And I have just one question: why did he ever have children in the first place? I think that when you have kids, you give up the right to hate them because your own feelings are hurt. Kids do that without realizing it but it's no reason to turn your back on them. They need patience (in spades) and the knowledge that they have your unconditional love. And you have to be open-minded: there is a possibility that you could be wrong, and there will undoubtedly be times in which you show them how to apologize like an adult. Without these essential things, I don't see how a person could possibly expect to make a positive difference in their child's life.

And so, I am done with living as if everything is happy at home. Our extended family and friends have an inkling as to how things really are and I'm about to get them all involved. I'll do anything if it has a chance of improving things long-term. I still care enough about my dad to want to see him happy. And I definitely want things to be better for my mother, brother, and myself. No one should voluntarily live like this.

Dreams:
Going back to school will be like waking up after a troubling sleep to realize everything's ok
My dad will voluntarily go to some sort of counseling
Being an RA and a manager will ROCK
I'll get everything done and packed with time to go get ice cream before move-in
My studies in bio/ES will be validated by this internship
Lighten/cheer up!

feeling contemplative

Do you ever wonder if the whole way you think and view the world around you is terribly skewed? Every so often (ok, so I'm lying, it's about every week) I get into some psychological rumble with myself. Am I seeking truth or just playing at sophistry?

Typical rumble-esque self dialogue:
When we're younger, American culture paints a beautiful picture: you're unique and special -- you can be or do anything you want. As you get older, however, the internal message switches to survival of fittest: work hard, out compete your fellow citizens, find the drive in yourself to win that good grade, job, game. We aren't celebrated for our differences anymore and you have to wonder if we ever really were. But then there are always exceptions and I think those are the people who are driving the evolution of our culture. You can always being accepting and tolerant of those around you. Actually, it's even better to do more... you could actually appreciate those quirky people you run into each day. I think there's a stigma that you and your friends should all have similar tastes, interests and lifestyles. I see it in my little brother, who's afraid to do things that his friends don't approve of. One of the great things about friendships is how much new stuff you get to experience (and not just in that hallucenogenic drug way) via one another.

Sometime in the last four years, I gave up dreaming. Not in the REM way, but in the idealistic, "this is what I want to happen in my life and I'm not afraid to think it'll come true." It might have been failed romance or reading more literature or things at home or going away to school or maybe even the chronic fatigue which slowly set in starting about four years ago. I think that really, the combination of these things led me to self doubt which then turned into self doubt. Did I really deserve a fairy tale happy ending? Was I extraordinary enough to leave the world a better place than when I found it? Was I even right about anything? (Here is where truth vs. semantics came from). Did I just over analyze everything? I started to see other adults with families and jobs that became so wrapped up in the mundane details of life that they forgot what it was about in the first place. Once you're aware of this phenomenon, it's hard not to become infected with it. Thus, it is time for change.

I really, really don't want to stop dreaming or hoping that what I'm doing with myself will make a difference. I think I am going to institute dreams on Mansfield... even if they're outlandish ones, who cares, I'll have fun writing them and one of my friends will have fun reading them.

Dream #1: I get to work fairly high up (eventually) on some lovely humanitarian organization that finds homes/jobs for people struggling in rural America.

Dream #2: I clean up my bedroom and don't get tired/angry in the process. Better yet, I sleep in a hammock and save floor space for my new fort. haha, j/k

Dream #3: I invest in a beautiful new digital camera that can take b&w, sepia, negative, night shots WITH a quick flash, decent resolution and an optical zoom.

Dream #4: Bocce on Mellby lawn. Enough said. Bocce kicks ass AND it's Italian.

Dream #5: Graduate from college with grades that I am not ashamed of. Get to play Buffet Bass Clarinet in SOB. Oh yeah.

R.I.P. Frida

I was on a sampling trip for the PCA over the past couple days. When I called home on Monday night to see how everyone was, my mom said that Frida the Hermit Crab Extraordinaire was changing shells! I was sooo sad to be missing it and couldn't wait to come back, however, Frida did not make it through the process. I came home to an empty crab carrier and a sad little crab body that had slipped out of its shell. Frida, being the lively little gal she was, was an especially personable crab. She enjoyed scuttling sideways, often falling into a roll, and was of the pale blue/green variety of hermit. She also liked to sit in front of the heat duct in my room. She was not too fond of bathing. She and Cami used to curl up together in the corner of their tank. They also chirped at one another. He's very lonely now. Poor Cam... Here is a slightly melodramatic, though rather heartfelt tribute to Frida --

Gregarious crab:
though small, you were full of life
but now silence falls.

R.I.P. little crab.

I am 20!

I remember reading in Anne of Green Gables that once you turn 20, your character was fixed (i.e. shape up now or turn into a bad girl forever!)... So, I've always thought of 20 as a landmark heralding you through the end of childhood. I must say, it ended up being quite a good birthday. The beginning, though filled with some gift opening and a picnic, was not much to speak of as I ran errands for the better part of it. I was feeling pretty let down towards the end of the afternoon and just wanted to be by myself for a while. Little did I know that several conspirators lay in the midst. (MWA HAHAHA, and it was a good thing too!) Thus, I was totally and utterly surprised when Jimmy and I walked in Rey Azteca (a restaurant everyone in the Chanhassen area should visit) to be greeted by a bunch of friends! I could only think was "all these people are here to see me!?" The whole thing was so much fun, especially for those who don't get out often due to work like me. Grant and Jimmy had even made a birthday cake... it was splendid delicious and wonderful to see (I had thought I was a cakeless girl since my parents were either recovering from surgery or extremely busy). And Jimmy! That boy! The whole party was completely his idea!!! He and his conspirators (whom I fondly will refer to as helper monkeys) called or emailed or imed sooo many people! Thank you helper monkeys! I was also spoilt by gifts, while was another total surprise -- dirty girl books, accessories (who knew they made gum?), and porn, btw. This morning, I checked my email and there were no less than seven emails or cards waiting for me. I feel more relaxed than I have in... well, years. It was a really great birthday. Thank you all.

NY trip

I thought my blog had eaten my long post about vacation, so I rewrote the whole thing only to find that it tried to eat it but could apparently only manage the title. I think I like the list version better. In a nutshell, here's Upstate NY (which is its own entity separate from the city but just as crazy):

-huge dinners required three+ tables to fit everyone and all the food
-lots of people coming and going at my aunt and uncles house
-everyone's always talking and laughing
-there are a lot of people!
-family is really important
-no urban sprawl
-visiting Auburn is always fun... so much family history!
-wish we hadn't lost so much culture (like the language) when my mom's crowd was growing up in the effort to homogenize and become "American"
-Ny accents are fun to pick up
-my cousin Michelle is one wild gal!
-despite my brother driving my [publicly] up a succession of walls, it's good to feel I belong
-my Great Aunt Josie talks about my grandmother and I desperately wish I knew more about where I came from
-my mom's cousin now lives in the house my mom grew up in. while remodeling, she found some old clothes of my mom's, uncle's and grandmother's IN THE WALL. we brought said wall clothes home
-bass pro stores are awesome (think cabela's with a 22,000 gallon tank of natural lake fish)
-you can do a lot with paint, like paint literally every square inch of your house
-miss family, almost wish I lived in NY (real estate cheaper)
-little cousins stomping on floor above my head at 7am make-a me sad!
-"vacation" is the key word for exhausting, not relaxing, but in that good way