I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you love that well that you're sick? I can't stop crying, but I've realized that a lot of people don't know what's going on with me and I ought to tell them. I feel like I've unintentionally hurt feelings by being sensitive about things like getting enough sleep, finding a place to sleep, being exhausted, or getting sick a lot. If you were one of them, I'm really, really sorry. Ever since having mono in high school, I noticed that I didn't have a good immune system and I never seemed to feel rested. It got a lot worse when I came to college, so that it is hard for me to sleep at night, much less get enough sleep, and be able to feel healthy and go to class. It was getting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. About a thousand visits and blood tests, we ruled out everything and I had enough symptoms to get the loose diagnosis of "chronic fatigue syndome." Basically, my body doesn't sleep the way other people's do. No matter how much sleep I get, I don't wake up feeling good or rested. If I get less than 8 or 9 a night (which is hard with 8am classes), I feel nauseous and dizzy sometimes to the point of not being able to sit or stand. I usually have a headache and just going through the motions of a normal day completely wipes me out. It's hard to get through college and work and activities like band and still do well, but I'm trying. I think I can lead a normal life as long as I'm careful, but I just want everyone to know what's going on. I know we all have problems that are difficult to deal with, but it feels good to get all this out finally. Anyway... it's time to sleep. :) Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really known what to write. It's been a really difficult week for me CFS-wise because of the tests, sleep hazards, and the eco lab in the rain. I wish I could just normally deal with homework and school and have a normal amount of feeling sick and being dizzy and exhausted, but that's just not possible. I want to not get frustrated when I feel like people don't get it, but sometimes I find myself getting mad, like it's just not fair. I need to get over it, I know.

And so here comes ponderance numero deux:
It's true that your upbringing has a lot of effect on your personality. I feel like a lot of things about how I was raised were wonderful: I know what it means to work hard, to be frugal, to disappear into your imagination, to love the Earth and the creatures within it, and have been encouraged in all things academic. However, I feel like I didn't learn how to be happy, how to be totally honest with people close to me without worrying that they would take advantage of vulnerabilities, how to feel confident in myself, or how to just live without worrying about something or feeling sad about something. All these need to be relearned and some things simply put into the past. I am having trouble doing this! I wish I could go back to what my nature was before things got bad at home and start over, but I know I'd be a different person and that would be no good. Oh well -- what's the point of life if not to travel from the person you used to be to the one you will become?

Well... time to go to work. :) Happy evening all!

Hmmmm... Easter was lovely. Had a great time at Jimmy's, like I always do. I feel more free away from home and academics both. However, the start of class again smacked me upside the head. Four hours on the lab paper from hell not counting many more hours spent in lab. It'll be about two days until I am in my room to relax. Oh well. The band is performing at MENC and off I go!

However, the best part of today was undoubtedly roomdraw because I am going to be an RA IN MELLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited for training that it's sad! :)

So, that's all for tonight -- time to cram a chemistry assignment into my rehabilitation moments before bed.

I was napping before our French petite examen but I'm afraid that I just cannot ignore some hunger pangs and it's time to munch. Cheese and crackers a wonderful part of existence. I know I've babbled on about them two posts ago, but honestly, YUM! I think I would be content roaming around outside with friends, sleeping under trees, and eating hunks of bread, meat and cheese as meals forever.... just like Robin Hood! I remember reading the full and arduously difficult version of "The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" when I was younger. It was so thick and difficult that it was all my reading points for the whole quarter. But I never forgot that idea of freedom... just to be outside, to live simply, and to follow just and noble causes. What decadence have I been living since then? I think that college is (and is rightfully so) an inherently selfish time because it's all about you. You pursue your own education, tastes, and pursuits and hopefully these are tempered and at the end you emerge as a butterfly of sorts. Still, I always feel I'm missing something large and vast and that I can just barely taste it to know it's there yet still outside my grasp. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's freedom, maybe it's just as simply as some truly free time. But it's out there and that's what matters.

This was a great weekend. The band concert went well. I read outside. I spent some quality time with the Jimmy. I talked with my roommate. I went into town with the Megan. I didn't leave all my homework for Sunday. I saw my mom and my brother. And now I'm going to talk with friends, do some chemistry and feast on tea and a poptart. Yum yum.

Friday!

I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers. In an hour, the Jimmy is going to show me all the food and plans he's been concocting for our "Six Months Observed" festivities. I love Fridays! On what other day of the week do you get forced to be productive and then are rewarded with relaxation and the prospect of a whole weekend??? Mmmm... blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.

Ok, so the last month has been rough. But everyone goes through these bad times that test the soul and strengthen the character. So you buck up and get through it and something will start going your way. However, if nothing starts to get better and the downspiral just keeps going farther and farther, then what do you do? Being at school isn't fun at all and you dread it, but then going home only seems to make everything worse because all your family ever does is scream at one another. I was hoping that Spring Break would give me a breather so I could start with new patience, but living in one's tiny bedroom eating on your lap because you want to avoid the chaos out your door isn't at all comforting and I wish I could just be done with everything. Grrrrrrrrr.

Happy Spring Break to everyone!

Larson 501 is a bower of luxury, full of futon, large living space, and christmas lights hooked into a clapper. It was really sad to look at 612, all empty and sterile-looking, and lock the door for the last time. I picked it in room draw and fell in love with it, so I guess it'll always feel like home. Still, Vanna has been wonderfully sweet and I feel like the end of the year will be better.

ANYWAY! :) Jimmy went home today after spending the week with me at home and at Grant's. Sometimes I'm afraid that I forget how good we are together! Jimmy is my other half and it's easy to look over how natural that feels until woop he's driving away and suddenly I think "wow, I'm never gonna meet another guy like that in a million years." I suppose it's good for life to feel normal as long as you can remember the wonderfully little things. Mmm... like manically doing one's hair in the mirror.

Happy travels everyone.

Now that I know so many of you keep up with the happenings at Mansfield Park, I'm sure you'll wonder where my entries went. I decided to take them out because they were being misunderstood and I want to avoid judgment for recording what I'm think here. So, other than some news briefs, I am going to keep the blog pretty fluffy for the next several entries.

News:

-I am moving out of my room to hopefully another place in Larson. It gets sticky because I can't leave the dorm if I want to keep my desk job, so I am going to explore vacancies on the 2nd, 5th, and 9th floors.
-With any luck, this will be an empowering and sanity-saving decision for everyone concerned.
-If you're on campus for Friday night and want to help me move (yee-haw), please drop me an email at andersol@stolaf.edu.

What else! Hmmm... lots of decisions for everyone come out this week, so good luck RA/JC/summer job/study abroad hopefuls -- I'll be wishing you luck!

4 days until the end of classes... we can do it!

omg... look at this message I got while trying to change my password: Please avoid two-word combinations like "chas" and "kategorische". needless to say, they were onto my efforts to "kategorische". damn them.

-omitted-

Tonight is the night of the environmental studies discussion reunion with Beth and Brittany at 5:30 for dinner! YUM! And of course, tomorrow is Jimmy's birthday, so I have lots of fun stuff to get ready for him. :) Talk to you all later and have a great night!

-omitted-

Hey guys... I'm realizing my quaint little blog has a larger readership than I had previously thought. I'd like to clarify a few things:

-this is a journal for me to talk about my life, the world as I perceive it, and a place to vent.
-it is not meant to put anyone else down or to make pointed comments intended to hurt, frustrate, or anger anyone
-things written here are recorded as I observe them and view them and I realize it won't be 100% impartial because nothing really ever can be
-the link in my profile (which I will be deleting tonight) says "read at your own risk" -- I realize that things that go on in the world and in everyone's lives are often controversial and mine is no different, so please do not hold me accountable for recording what happens to me and how I feel about
-if you have a problem with what you read here, I suggest writing me an email or coming to talk to me -- it would probably make you feel better in the long run
-and speaking of talks, I'm all for honesty, but I think that true honesty incorporates a considerable amount of compassion, politeness and some tact

Phew, I think I'm done for the moment. This has been the worst few days I've had yet in college and that includes being very depressed for most of last year. A little understanding would be greatly appreciated and it's no less than I would do for any of you.

-omitted-

So, I've been reading my ecology book faithfully all semester. We're about a third of the way through it already. Not bad. The last chapter (we started 2/3 into it) is about conservation and pressing ecological problems. Now after hundreds of pages of random studies done by scientists who were obviously bored and had money to blow or just weren't feeling creative, we're getting somewhere! This is exactly the stuff that gets me going: cleaning up watersheds, moving species north as the climate changes rapidly, looking at land transformations. Maybe I just get sadistic pleasure out of natural disasters? But more I think that helping out the planet and her species is more noble than studying a random species interaction for the rest of your life. I want to pursue this all, but I'm not sure what to call it or what I can do with it. Is this conservation biology? Is it just environmental science? Who knows, but all I can say is, count me in.

One week has passed since last I wrote here. Not much is new.

Hm. I've realized that my weekends have become sadly nonexistent. Friday afternoon comes with all its promise, but alas a restful, or even on-campus, weekend is not to be had. This weekend is already completely full with another kb reading and now apparently a performance on Sunday in the cities for the Musica Nova fest. And that's about all that will fit! Hmmm... how can this be? I'm not even coveting time to myself to laze about... no, I just want a fighting chance to get my studying done. Good grief.

I haven't blogged all week. Well, let's see... I guess I spent a lot of my time sick this week. I think I've finally battled it off, so that's a relief. I always feel guilty when I'm sick. I seem to fall ill more often than everyone else and for often very different reasons, so I start to second guess whether I am really sick enough to take time out to get better. I might feel horrible, but I feel like I must be fabricating it since everyone else is healthy most of the time. I think I should stop comparing myself to everyone else... I'm me, I might be a weakling, but I manage.

On a better and unrelated note, tomorrow is the Chaska Invite! As a returning alumna, I have several important tasks: 1) look gorgeous, 2) have an aura of intelligence, 3) seem mature, educated, composed, 4) oh yeah, and read questions. ;) I plan to do all these and then some. Some of you might think I'm just being weird, but honestly, the home invite is the time to show off what you've been doing with yourself and impress those you haven't seen. I can't wait to be back in the kb world, though... how I have missed it.

OOH! Today, there were giant monstro snowflakes! Big floppy ones that kept pouring from the sky! It was lovely. Well, that's all I can think of to update ya'll! Have a good weekend.

Lovely blog, here to happily listen to all my thoughts and ponderings, never complaining (even when I do). It's been a long weekend. Aren't they supposed to leave you with some tiny bit of repose? Although, when I think of all the stuff I accomplished (to use my Dad's pet word), I am damn proud, even if it hurts to move my head. This weekend I successfully: made a lovely valentine for Jimmy, read the majority of my ecology text, did my chemistry asst, completed my extravagently long French asst, ignored Great Con, ignored the need to practice, ignored my coming applications -- well, not quite, I did go to an RA/JC meeting and am thoroughly confused as to which I'd like to be next year --, ignored my sleep deficit, was wonderfully surprised by my boyfriend for Valentine's day, consumed: European chocolates, camembert cheese, Italian wine, stopped to smell the roses... all twelve of them, was at two concerts -- one of the the ST. OLAF BAND HOME CONCERT, BABY!, cried a tiny bit when I realized Mexico is finally done, played with my crabs, messied my room, ate one meal in the caf per day (and that's how I likes it), slept in some, saw friends from home (the Northfield residents at any rate), got a back massage WITH oils, helped someone else with their homework, and showered. Yeah. That's damn good! Next weekend is kb reading which means more monetary funds and my car. YAY! My Antonia, where have you been all my life? That's right, in the driveway.

Yahoo... Happy Valentine's Day? It's time to go to band in a little over an hour. Nothing is making me feel better today, not naps, not studying, not dressing nicely, not the prospect of doing something after the concert. What is wrong with me? Ugh. Oh well. I ought to not think about it and just chill. The problem is, I want to chill alone and it's the day of romance. Hm. Grant, you should get home ASAP!