:) MEXICO EVE! I won't be blogging for a while because it's off to Mexico for me with the one and only St. Olaf Band to bring instruments and joy to Mexican people. I'm nervous about a few things, one of them being my lack of Spanish skill, but I'm sure this will be a completely wonderful and life-changing time. I'll update ya'll when I'm home again!

LA LA LA! Our pretour concert went really well! And the best part was that my family came! Mom, Dad, Noah, my Auntie Diane and my little cousin Chloe!!! It was sooo exciting to have that much support in the crowd. I was so thankful to be making music for them, just for being able to before heading south. And speaking of that, we're so close to the tour that I can even taste it! My suitcase is packing and I have only two more days of class! I made it! Well, am making it! This is going to be a life-changing experience, I just know it. :) Time to email my boy and then head to bed.

The week has finished! :) I've treated myself to a pretty stress-free weekend to make up for perhaps a slightly more daunting schedule over the last few days. "Under the Tuscan Sun" is a great movie about life in general. I think I'm going to have to watch that one with Jimmy as soon as it comes out on video. Tomorrow is the pre-tour concert, so I better get myself to sleep. Goodnight!

Ugh! Life is so miserable right now! Last night I caught something... a cold? The beginnings of the flu? I don't know. But it's continued through today. I missed rehearsals and morning class. But that's ok -- we've been told pretty clearly that we need to take time out to get healthy before the trip should we fall ill now. So that's not a problem. I guess it's the class that's frustrating me at the moment. It's mostly that the course work seems undoable. I know that it was encouraged to do readings while at home -- hundreds and hundreds of pages, mind you -- but if you had ordered your books like me and they hadn't come, you were SOL. And now, the amount of work assigned is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to complete each night. The only people who are up to date are those who read most of it over break. I'm sad. :( I know nothing about Mexico or Mexicans anyway, aside from environmental issues and believe me, they've got bigger things to worry about. We have an exam tomorrow and I'm freaking out. I feel like I know nothing. It's 30 points and 30% of our grade. Each question is a percentage point off of your final grade! AHHH! What am I going to do!? Other than FAIL!? I don't want to switch to pass/fail because I need the GE, but what choice do I have if I cannot learn all of Mexican culture by tomorrow afternoon!?

This is all making me hysterical. I think I better stop. I wish Jimmy was here. He would definitely not let me keep worrying manically. But I can't think about that either! No use getting worked up. I'll just miss him more.

Damn computer -- has lost like three of my attempted bloggings in the last week, so here's a short recap of all the things I've been trying to say:

-New Years was wonderful. Jimmy came down and visited for a couple days. We went to the dinner theatre, saw a show and danced. Then we went back to my house and drank champagne with my parents and I got giggly. Haha. He ended up staying an extra night because there was fog when he tried to leave. I also got my Christmas presents from him -- a beautiful teddy bear made of like 20 carefully cut out pieces of wood that interlock and are sanded and stained. It's totally unbelievable how well its made! And then, I got a big, squishy teddy bear to match. He does spoil me!
-Truth be told, every single moment I spent with Jimmy over break was wonderful. He's an extraordinary guy and he's perfect! And, we're perfect for each other. This is all terribly exciting for me!!! I think he's like the guy. If everyone has a person out there that there supposed to meet, with whom they "click" more than anyone they've met so far, then methinks I've met him!
-Campus life before leaving for the great Mexican tour is absolutely exhausting!! We get up in the morning to be in class at 8:30. At 10:30 we rehearse. 12 is for lunch. 1:30 it's back to class. 3:30 is more rehearsing until dinner at about 5:15ish. And by then, all you want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep. Our profs assigned us a ton of reading for such a daunting schedule. Sadly, it doesn't seem to be doable and we have a test approaching on Thursday. Methinks it's time for some major bandie bonding study sessions. ALLITERATIONS GALORE! :)
-I miss Jimmy!!! He's off galavanting around Europe with the Grand Tour (for great con). Certain persons who shall remain nameless would certainly have loved to go on said con tour but they were already engaged in Mexican fiestas. He was delayed a day in leaving because of the weather in Chicago, but hopefully now he's in the air, perhaps close to Amsterdam?? OMG... I can't believe he's so far away! It seems surreal now to think of him being that far away from me and it's only going to get farther. Meg is staying over in their room to visit Jacob. I don't want to go in their room while Jimmy is gone if I don't have to. How odd is that! It would just not be good. I'm sure he's having a great time and hopefully they'll find his luggage at some point! My poor boy... not having his luggage while staying over night in the cities. I miss you, punk! Oh well... Jan will be long, but it'll be good for the both of us.

I better go read some more! Talk to ya'll later!

Here's a deep thought I had while visiting Jimmy:

"You know you're in tractor country when Santa's sleigh is pulled by a John Deere."


'Night everyone!

Hey, me again, but feely slightly more stable. :) Well... my mom talked to me. She felt pretty bad about telling me to start being nicer to my family over the phone when I called home to see if I should come home Sunday or Monday. It seemed really odd that she'd say that... I found out it was because my Dad had been hounding her to pass that on. Typical. My poor mother... she felt really bad about it for the rest of the afternoon. So did I. But it was at least good to know that it wasn't some well of familial venegeance starting to spring forth. My Dad is just like that, I can take things from him, but not my mom.

Then I thought about the whole weekend... being with Jimmy and how there were so many just AMAZING things that happened. And I connected much more with all his family members, not just him. And... wow. I can't believe it. So I think I ought to let go of the end and stop feeling like I ruined that. It's ridiculous. Ok, I'm going to do something relaxing that I haven't done in years.... take a bath, complete with bubbles, candles and music. Damn right.

Well... long time, no post, especially for a break. I've been in Askov visiting the Jimmy since Saturday. It was a good visit, barring a small episode Sat from his brother, needing to stay a second night because of the snow and inconveniencing my family, and the ending. In fact, it was a great time. I don't know what I am so down about. Jimmy said that he "didn't want having a girlfriend to get in the way of his family" and though it sounded bad when he said it, I knew he meant it in a cautionary way. However... I was already feeling quite bad for reasons along those lines and it just made me plummet. I feel like I am taking him away from his family. They already have lost a father, and his brother Jeremy isn't perhaps the most family-oriented son. Jimmy's gone at school now and then I seem to take up a lot of his time on breaks. They all love him, and then I compare that to my own home, where I am an annoyance, an inconvenience, someone who everyone is happy to see when she first walks in the door and then that soon wears off and I am left upstairs alone in my room with nothing but dark thoughts as companions.

And Jimmy can't fully understand this... and I'm not sure I want him to. This afternoon, I walked in, my dad said nothing, so I went upstairs. Noah brought me some food (sooo sweet of him) and we took two of the cats under the covers on my mom's bed and watched TV. But then my dad got mad at that and made him go downstairs away from me. Just like he used to. Because, honestly, I am a poison... enticing at first and then I just suck everything that was once good away. My dad came up and took Noah's new gamecube FOR NO REASON! He honestly takes delight from taking gifts away or threatening to. And it keeps snowing and snowing, and I wish I could be happy, but I cannot.

Last night, after company had left Jimmy's house, we sat talking and I started to feel all this weighing down on me. I didn't know how to put it into words, so I just sat with him, watching Futurama and trying not to feel too dizzy or ill. Jimmy never would have said it to me, but I could tell I was bringing him down and that he was out of ideas. When we said goodbye this morning, I was upset because I was leaving much later than my parents had told me I could. It was snowy and the drive was going to be hard. And it seemed like he just wanted me gone. What a terrible feeling! I mean, he hugged me and kissed me, but it wasn't in his usual way, where I can tell that he loves me with every movement. Maybe we were both just tired. But now, I'm all alone as usual and it's eating at me how we parted. I even called back like the dork I am just to hear his voice and hope that it would somehow make things better. I don't know if it did.

I wish I was anyone else right now, someone who lived in a happy family or in a neater house or didn't feel so sorry and guilty about things she shouldn't worry about. I am tired of being me. I only make everyone else sad. I try to tell myself that someday things will be different. I could be happy, really happy. I could live with Jimmy in a beautiful house with porches and gardens and cats and trees. But then I can't help but think, who am I kidding!? He's going to look at me one day and realize that I've been nothing but trouble and that will be it and I will be cold and alone until I die. Ugh... what a sad day.

Another Christmas passed...

Here are the things I am and ought to be thankful for:

A [relatively] warm house
Good food to eat
Finally being healthy!
Jimmy
very thoughtful Christmas gifts
my parents liked the ones I gave them
My father and I tolerated one another for an entire day without conflict, which means no one's Christmas was ruined
I get to see Jimmy in under two days
I also got two lovely emails from him this morning!
Hot chocolate is warm and soothing
The vanilla buttercream room spray is also very, very calming and it fell back into my hands after last night's White Elephant gift exchange...
My extended family members are all wonderful and I am extrememly grateful to have them.
The Return of the King soundtrack is delicious...
Petunia the cat has finally forgiven me for leaving her
I will go back to school soon
I will survive without Jimmy, rather I can be all the more excited when Feb comes
Mexico is nearly here!!!!
When I grow up (whenever that may be, lol), my home will be: a) relatively tidy (liveable), b) light and bright, c) sans football and most other televised sports, d) full of love, not anger or frustration or sadness or resignation
I get to go to college
I have wonderful friends there
I will see them all soon

I think that's all the cheerfulness I can muster right now. Merry Christmas, everyone

A good ending! Well, I talked with my mom and ended up sobbing on her shoulder. My dad didn't really care much, he just yelled for us to come downstairs. I waited until my eyes were fairly normal looking before going. My aunt and uncle and cousin came over and it ended up being a perfect solution to day long crises. We talked and had fun and played a game and I didn't have to be around my Dad at all. So, after all, it ended up being quite a good Christmas Eve. Odd how that works, but I am so glad the holiday wasn't ruined. I might delete some of the not-so-happy blog entries. It's Christmas after all. I suppose it's a time to forget the bad things and focus on whatever good one can find. Ooh -- we did our white elephant gift exchange and Jimmy, my dad got my gifts! I think that means I get to keep the buttercream vanilla room spray. Ahhhh... so yummy. And tomorrow is Christmas! Perhaps I'll try to get in touch with what that actually means after the fiasco today. And I will think of my wonderful boyfriend and feel thankful for love.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Things went from bad to worse...

I waited upstairs until I thought I had cooled down a bit. I took a shower, got dressed, and ate something. I overheard my Dad talking about me to Noah, which I'm certain was nothing complementary or even remotely positive. So... I went downstairs to see what was up. My dad was mopping the entry way floor (something that happens maybe once every year, maybe). Since the whole floor was wet, I sat on the stairs staring off into space and thinking "well, this is awkward" until my dad interrupted my reverie by asking me to go back upstairs if I was going to be unpleasant. I was just sitting there! But of course, to even mention anything that might disagree with what Dad thinks is to ruin his day. So obviously, I ruined him birthday, most of break, and today. That feels super. Anyway, so I was trying to point out that I came downstairs this morning with only the best of intentions, to do lots of chores, to get along, and to try and enjoy the company of my family. And asking to turn the TV to another channel (see first blog post) and saying that I really hated listening to football all the time = ruination. Things escalated quickly and I got called a hateful child, among other things. I said that I wish he could be visited by three spirits in the night, perhaps that would change his opinions and attitudes toward his family (not a calming statement, but certainly not as vicious)... I ran upstairs to grab my purse and I could hearing arguing from downstairs. I grabbed my keys and my coat and made for the door. My mom came after me, going in about how I woke up this morning with a chip on my shoulder. Whatever! I tried, I did. I asked what time company was coming and she said something along the lines of "you actually CARE they're coming?" She yelled at me to go drive to Jimmy's or something. I was crying at this point and I started for the car (which someone had moved to the farthest away spot in the driveway). My Dad came out, suddenly in his acting element, saying things like "I love you, Lauren" but in a terrible and forced voice. I gave him the finger. I couldn't help it! When I kept going toward the car, his new coaxing persona melted. But I was gone... no gloves, no hat, nothing. I drove as quickly away, going to the Christmas house, to Excelsior, around Chanhassen, walking through Target (I pretended that I was in Northfield, that Megan was looking at sweaters, at lingerie and that soon she'd come get me and we'd go back home and there would be Jimmy waiting for me. Then we'd get Grant and everything would be wonderful, and warm, and no one would be yelling at me, or thinking that I permanently was unpleasant and irritating and that I was trying to ruin their Christmas. I wandered out and drove home. I walked in and no one looked up. My mom pointedly told me that if I wanted to be helpful [finally] I could set the table... so I did, slowly fingering the silverware my grandmother left me before she died. What a terrible Christmas. And now, everyone's coming in 30 mins, but there won't be that many of them, so they'll certainly know something happened and I don't know what to do. And now someone just unplugged the phone line I was using. Charming. Simply charming. I don't know what to do.

Welllllll.... Today is Christmas Eve. I know I should try to pretend I'm having fun at home and being happy. So here's the good stuff first. Those of you in the Christmas mood need not read the end.

Yesterday, Jimmy came down to spend the day with me. And it was by far the best day I've had all break or, for that matter, in a looong, long time. He got here at about 11am after a few car troubles before setting out. We went to Southdale Mall and just wandered, then we ate sushi at a place in EP. I dragged him into Pier One and my goodness we had a lovely time winding our way through that store. :) Everything that had been wrong or sad over the break seemed never to have existed. We went back to my house and baked and decorated cookies -- a good deal of flour ended up on shirts, faces, and in hair. (And, by God, my parents let him into our kitchen, which had been amply cleaned up from its usual state and smell...) Wendy stopped by quickly to meet him and to give me this nifty plate she had made in high school ceramics that said, what else, FLAP on it. :) Then we ate dinner with my family. I watched Jimmy polish off an entire gigantic stuffed pork chop, lol. Then we went to see the newest edition to my British actor obsession, Love Actually, complete with Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, and Alan Rickman. Goodness, that's like 3/4 of the Sense and Sensibility cast right there. It was quite sugary and romantic, but it was most sweet, especially to see on a night of being with the person you love most before Christmas. Then he and I passed through Barnes and Noble and back out to my car. We decided, though it was nearly 10 and he needed to leave, to stop by this magnificent house in Chanhassen that always puts up the most mind-boggling Christmas display. Dozens of diaramas with moving subjects, live reindeer, llamas, and lambs, hundred foot weeping willows, illuminated with lights, and a lighted carosel, nativity scene, and many more scenes... even a small gallery of lit lawn ornament penguins. I was in heaven, but then I always am to wander through this yard. People come from all over MN (and farther away, too) to see this home and Jimmy could certainly see why. But most importantly, even beyond penguins, it was so wonderful to be there with him. We drove back to my house, knowing it was time to go. After a cup full of hot coffee, cookies, treats for his family, and a lot of goodbyes from me, I watched him drive away. I stood on our doorstep and waved, but before he left, he opened the door to say bye and that he loved me... Jimmy I hope you heard me respond! :) What a perfect day! Someday perhaps we won't have to say goodbye for Christmas.

After gushing a bit to my mother, I went to sleep early. Just as I was falling asleep, I saw what it would be like to marry him... Grant and Megan were up there (she even had her hair up for me!!!) with us. Grant wasn't even wearing his glasses, lol. And Jimmy's family was there, and so was Amanda. I pictured my Dad dressed up and Santosy was up next to Grant, as was Jimmy's friend Scott. It was bizarre, but vivid. Anyway, one can't be accountable for what runs through her head just as she's falling alseep. Don't roll your eyes, Meg!

This morning, I lazed about for a bit watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" before going downstairs. Of course, my dad was watching football in the living room... ugh. Every day of break, so far, he's watched football and I've kept my mouth shut about how much I hate having it on. Not only that, but he's recorded it on multiple VCRs at a time throughout the house while watching it! So today, while I was hanging Christmas cards and decorations in the living room, I asked politely (with decorations and masking tape in hand) if we could watch something else, that we've watch football every day so far and I wasn't sure if he knew, but I hated the sound of it, and since it was Christmas Eve and we were both working in the living room, could we change the channel? My response was a change to the Food Network and an obnoxious cooking show (an improvement at least), and a biting"why don't you find some productive to do!" I mean, my God, not only had I mentioned that I was working on something, I had tape and card in hand as I was hanging them up. Talk about killing an already weak Christmas spirit. I started to get upset, saying "I JUST said I'm working on something in here, I'm holding tape and a card to hang up!!! Don't tell me to start working on something like I'm not already helping!" Of course then, both my mom and dad started in at this last statement saying "you're being unpleasant! It's Christmas Eve, for God's sake!!!" But how could ANYONE ANYWHERE honestly expect to just smile and nod at being told they're lazy in that damn manner, especially by someone who spends the better part of their life lying on the couch and disallowing anyone else to spend time in the only living area in the house!!!! I tried. I had been trying. I had been trying to ignore the slightly rotten food, the bickering pervading every part of the house, the grime, the dirt in the bathroom, the lack of any space to just relax in, other than my tiny bedroom, in which anyone would go crazy after spending day after day in it, the unpleasant father for whom I have both mingled dislike and deep sadness, my beautiful car which used to be clean and odor-free (except for Meg that one time... though it was well-cleaned afterward) and has now become yet another storage receptacle for the things my dad drags out of the back of the grocery store with its now strange smell and the grime everywhere on the inside. Nothing is free of this! I've been trying to be happy, to be glad to be home at Christmastime, to look forward to presents, and seeing family, and hot chocolate, but I CANNOT!!! Not like this. So I went upstairs after my job was finished, locked my door, and having been sitting on my bed, trying not to cry at reading a sweet email from Jimmy, listening to Christmas carols, and writing a blog post. This is my outlet, and this is just about my breaking point. I don't know what to do from here. I know I'm being bad and not helping out to get ready for my aunt and uncle tonight, but I can't take this and I know all I'll do downstairs is end up ruining everyone else's Christmas, anyway. Best to just sit tight for a while, methinks.

This is an excerpt from Megan's philosophy paper, entitled "jesus and grilled cheese make it all better" for the crazy hat man's class that I would like to share with the world:

"...So how is Jesus like grilled cheese? If mankind is individual ingredients in isolation, then God is the entire sandwich and once the cheese begins to melt and stick to the bread it is no longer single pieces, but a sandwich. Then there is no escaping the sandwich-ness of the sandwich. It is no longer just bread, butter, and cheese, but a sandwich full and complete. The ingredients must either remain separate and incomplete or must form a delicious sandwich. There is no half way grilled cheese. The cheese is either melted or it is not. The bread is golden brown or it is not. The butter sizzles or it does not. Together the sandwich is formed, but alone stale bread, globby butter, and floppy cheese remain alone and disgusting. So Jesus is just like grilled cheese because he cannot be floppy cheese and melted cheese at once. If he is floppy cheese he gets fed to the dogs and if he is melted cheese I eat him. "

I haven't laughed this hard all day!

Tonight, Jimmy wrote me "i love you like the moon loves a clear night, like the autumn breeze loves an open meadow. i love you like crimson flowers love the morning dew." Could anything get better than this? Honestly? Beyond all good music, warm socks, hot chocolate, new-fallen snow, cheese, penguins, Honda Civics, environmental groups, lit Christmas trees, crackling fires, crystal clear lakes and streams, soggy berry cereal, sparkling apple cider, soft beds, and clear, starry nights, is this. I feel as if I was walking lost in the woods and suddenly stumbled upon Eden.

Today was a good day, finally.

I woke up, ate lovely berry cereal from Jimmy and helped my Dad out to plan some of his Christmas shopping. I felt all cool and included! :) Then John called me to ask if i wanted to help him with some major wardrobe shopping. WOULD I!? Mwa hahaha. That was quite fun! AND GUESS WHAT!? I BOUGHT T STRAPS! After months of chasing after the illusive 1920's style shoes, I found and purchased a pair. Merry Christmas, Lauren! Then, I came home and dined on a tasty meal of well-spiced ramen, cheese and crackers, and applesauce. Which was lovely, btw. And what else? I made a batch of cookie dough for the baking and decorating. Then I went to Target, met Amanda, and we spent a good evening talking over appetizers at Applebee's. Now I get to talk to my boy... how perfect. :) Life is good!

Ok... so finals gave me purpose, how sad is that? Suddenly, there was a goal (to not fail) and life became decidedly better. Oh, and talking with Grant helped. It always does.

What else? Christmas season for me was in full swing. I had my boy, I had my tree, and that was as good as it gets. And we saw ROTK! AND IT WAS AWESOME! OMG!!! Ahh! I think the best part was that I got to see it with Jimmy... But then it was time to leave for the break! And now I'm just counting the days until I can see him again...

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately... Sometimes I feel happy but then it sort of flutters away and I'm left feeling blah again. It's like a giant flat field of mediocrity that goes as far as I can see and I almost forget that there are other states out there. I don't mind being alone, in fact it's sometimes a great comfort to just be by yourself. I dunno... Sometimes I feel like I want to lock myself up and watch Jane Austen movies and munch on small foods and drink hot chocolate all day long. And then other times I feel guilty after even an hour of this because I should always be doing something "productive" as my father often told me when I was younger. Do little things in your past suddenly snowball like that? Other times still, I want to be a butterfly and flit from Target into town and walk about and be around people and just soak it in and not have to think. It's the thinking that gets me. Unfortunately, college brings out a lot of that. The meteors last night were clouded over. :( Maybe tonight, though the sky is grey, grey, grey... Maybe that's the problem. The sky is grey, the ground is white, the buildings are cream, the roads are greyish too. Everything is one pale shade or another. I can't remember feeling at all bad when the trees were changing and the color was all around me. Perhaps I'm like an iguana and I need a giant lamp over me to be healthy. Next Target run... kidding! Kidding. But seriously, I might go to Radioshack or someplace and look for a camera cable. I need it badly. Anyway -- I better conclude. We have a great con review session in 30 mins and I do not have any makeup on. Bye everyone.

Ahhhh... first final done. Chemistry, which has quite frequently been a bane of my existence. The times I've wanted to throw the book out the window to hear the satisfying sound of a packed three inche binder hitting the cement with a "wham" cannot be contained to the fingers on my hands. However, I'd like to think that I did it... this final didn't go badly at all. Disregarding the few questions where I was like "what!?" on the total nine pages of final-y goodness, I'd have to say that maybe I win at chemistry after all...

So anyway -- I know that I haven't blogged in a while, so I really must update the world on the goings on in my life:

Earlier this week (I think it was Tuesday), St. Olaf was transformed into a positive winter wonderland with several inches of snow. I was just about giddy when it snowed softly for a day straight. I don't think I've ever loved watching snow fall so much, or been so happy just to be on campus to appreciate it. It was a lovely Christmas gift before the harsh reality of approaching finals hit in.

And finals, oh finals... ah! I'm having some problems feeling motivated to study as much as I manically like to do before any large test. I think this is in part due to the gigantic mess my room has become since I obsessively cleaned it last Friday. There are bits of Christmas wrapping everywhere along with random pieces of clothing, shoes, about 20 scattered pages of chemistry study guides, gifts and tiny rocks that migrated in at some point unbeknownst to Erica and I. I think I'm going to do something about that in appromately 3 minutes and 30 seconds. But you'll never know because my blog doesn't record writing time, just time published and even that's in Pacific time (why, I do not know).

So last night, Meg and I went on an adventure to Aquatic Pets. I can hear my mom groaning because she can guess the reason. Cami the Monstrous Hermit Crab seemed unsociable and lonely and I guessed that what he needed was a friend. So I went on a Cami Christmas spree to peruse the crab selection in Northfield. They had a new shipment... with absolutely tiny crabs. Cami's can be a big lug sometimes, so I got two little babies to keep each other company. They don't have names yet other than Gimp and Crawly. They'll get better ones, soon. If you have any ideas, email me at andersol@stolaf.edu. I tried to show Cami his little pets, but he got scared and snapped back into his shell so quickly that the whole thing rolled over. What a goon! :) The little ones were afraid of him, no wonder, because if I saw Monstro the Whale coming at me, I'd run for it to. But now Gimp is curled up next to Cami. I hope Cami doesn't ever try to punt them around... that would not be good. No football in the crab cube. Soon it will be a Crab Condo... and then maybe a Crab Comfort Inn. Mmmhmmm, and then I can make them all little beds! This is a fun idea.

I think Sense and Sensibility on DVD is calling my name, as is the new carpet rock garden. Talk to you all soon!

Ah! Roommate crises -- not only did Jacob talk to Jimmy about sleeping in and such but the entire deal with coming back to my room on Sunday with Mom and Noah got fairly blown out of proportion. Instead of it being that the door was locked and I heard rummaging inside to get it open, the curtains were drawn, and Jeff's vest on the floor, it became my mom and I walking in on them doing whatever and me having no idea that Jeff was even coming... Yeah. I knew perfectly well he was going to visit. Ideally, since Erica knew my family was coming, she would have left the door unlocked, opened the curtains, and realized how the situation could have looked bad from the perspective of my fairly Catholic family. But oh well. There was nothing going on and though it looked like there wasn't a lot of respect for my mother and brother formally visiting me on a Sunday afternoon and I was very flustered when the door was opened, it got quite blown out of proportion and passed around the friends a good deal. If I was Erica, I would feel bad about someone else approaching me about something I had apparently done and wish that my roommate hadn't said a word to a single soul, but there it is. It's finished, so one must simply apologize for rumors, entreat the other to see how things easily look not so good when the lights are off and the door is locked, and hope for the best.

I think I need a holiday from school. I'm noticing that I don't really smile that much or laugh a lot just randomly. I always liked laughing a lot... where did it go? It makes me kinda sad! I dunno... So much stress and pressure here! I wish college could take about 2x longer so there would be half the amount of stuff to do. I keep thinking back over the stuff I've read and studied and regardless of what it is, the things I could complete at my own leisure were much more intellectually stimulating and satisfying. Hm. What does that say about education? I hate cramming things in like I do, but it seems to be the only way not to fail. Maybe I'll come up with a magical solution tonight...