the owner of this blog is going slowly crazy

Waaaa.... There is so much to get done in the next few weeks, entirely outside of finals:

Wednesday:
class&lab 9am-3:30
meeting w/JP for jury piece 4:30
run to Skog for usher training 5
eat dinner 6
on duty 7-10:30ish
decorate Mellby 8pm
Thursday:
research in archives @ 10ish
meet with Pastor to plan memorial service for close friend 11
lunch 12
reading 1-2
class 2:15-3:40
band 4:50
study/start papers 7-8:30
coffeehouse 8:45-12:15
Friday:
class 9am-12:45pm
memorial service in cities for Nic: 1pm-4:30 or 4:45
performance with clar choir 4:30 *tricky, very tricky
dinner
on duty all night
Sat:
writing, researching, on duty, planning for memorial service, planning hall event
Sun:
8:30-12:00 chapel performance with SOB
that afternoon ushering
on duty all night
hall council at 10pm
Monday:
classes, planning memorial service
recital of Amy 6:45
more duty after that
Tuesday:
saying goodbye to Nic for real.....

For some reason, it was therapeutic to write that all out. Now I just need to force myself through it. No one said this was easy, but they didn't say how hard it was either.

so much suffering in the world

I don't know where to begin. This past weekend my good friend Nic passed away unexpectedly. We gathered last night to remember him and tell funny stories of him. I kept thinking I'd see him any moment and he'd tell us that it was ok, it had been just one awful misunderstanding. But, I can't help but realize that he's gone forever.

Nic was a wonderful guy and probably the kindest person I know. He would drop everything to help you, whether it was carrying your refrigerator up several flights of stairs on move-in day, lending you a prized video game system, helping you rearrange your room, listening to you, give you a ride someplace, meet you in the summer for a spur of the moment movie, or steal you the ONE golden caf bowl in existence. But, he was also sensitive: Nic wrote poems by the gallon and would send them out to us on an alias he created called "midnight poetry." He also took wonderful photographs of campus, his cabin.

I can't believe I'll never see him walking from Larson, hear him yell "AHHHH" and run at me, tickle me, then hoist me over his shoulder and carry me off. Or read all the wonderful poems he had yet to write. Or get to surprise him in the caf while he was working with a hug. Or see him walking around campus when it was literally 20 degrees out in nothing but a tee-shirt, shorts, and sandals. Or just see his smile or hear him laugh. I don't think we realize how intricately connected to one another we are until something terrible happens and all we can do is search for meaning.

I keep wandering around campus in a surreal daze. When I walk by the chime tower, I can't help but think that now my good friend is going to have a chime up there too. I cannot imagine what Nic must have gone through yesterday or what his family must be going through now. We can only pray that God is taking care of Nic now and that he knows how much we love and will miss him.

(insert blood curdling scream)

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU MARIA!? I certainly don't feel pretty, or for that matter healthy, well-rested, sane, or considerate of other human beings.

I AM SICK OF HAVING CHRONIC FATIGUE SYNDROME! I slept for nine hours last night which, on a day when I have to get up at 8:30, is impressive. When I woke up, it was like the hangover from hell. Physically getting out of my bed was painful. Dragging my exhausted ass to class was worse. I don't mean to complain, but this is not normal. I need ten to eleven hours a day of sleep to be able to function normally with my freakish disorder. I've basically had mono for the past 5 years. When will this end!? It's crippling all the time.... I usually pretend I'm totally normal but lately it's been getting to me how far from the truth that is.

When did class work start requiring us to relinquish all pleasure in life for weeks and months at a time? My profs say we should enjoy the nice weather, appreciate our lives as students, think about what's really meaningful to us, etc. as they assign 100 pages of dense reading, a comprehensive exam, a term paper, projects, and response essays. WHAT!? Enjoy what life? Next time they go on about all the free time we have as college students I'll tell them where to stick it.

And, to top it all of, I've become the megabitch from planet "what crawled up your ass and died?" I'm not feeling nice, happy, or leadery. I want my coffeehouse employees to turn in their damn paperwork. I want my residents to be remotely appreciative. And I want Jimmy to stop saying one thing and doing another. His time management skills (or lack thereof due to coursework and boyishness) cause me to freak out on him at least every other day. I wish I did not have so many commitments (like staff retreats and quiz bowl readings) this weekend, because it's f*ing large philosophy paper time!

toblerone!

I had never had a toblerone bar before..... it's Orgasmic cubed! So incredibly good.... Now if only I could rationalize eating lots more, but alas I'm trying to be a slimmer gal. My computer is busted -- won't play any music or restore the system -- but no viruses are to be found! I don't know what happened and it seems as if there's nothing to be done. My computer is like me: clearly not working properly, but no detectable problems. Argh.

one

Jimmy's out of town for the weekend giving a talk at a conference for undergraduate research. PHEW! What a mouthful. It's all so scientific. I don't feel that bad about dropping out of the whole science world for a bit. I realized I've been doing a lot of things lately just to "fit in." I've never been one to follow convention and do what everyone thinks I should. If I had, I'd be sciencing it up with a boring mainstream major, playing a normal instrument, in a very ordinary relationship, and probably at another school since no one, least of all me, expected me to end up at St. Olaf. But, here I am, in the middle of Norweiganland -- RAing, playing a one-of-a-kind clarinet in a major ensemble, dating a wonderful guy who I'll most likely be with for the rest of my life, managing a business, and studing the environmental arts and humanities writing things like landscape meditations.

I guess this blog post is really for me, an affirmation of sorts to say "here I am" and be proud of myself. I'm not sure why this is something I struggle with. So, this is me: I have a really odd home life, a small obsession with garden gnomes, an incredible relationship, a coffeehouse to manage, a band to play in, and a building to help run. I love it. I love the diverse things I do. While trying to talk myself into settling and doing what I think everyone wants me to, I forgot who I am and what I love.

Thus, it's time to start career searching, something that could keep me interested for longer than a week. Jimmy decided that he wants to study planetary sciences! I'm so impressed. He finally found something that could encompass all his interests. There's got to be something out there for me.

hell in a handbasket

After four years of making fun of Bush, everything from his IQ to his inability to speak coherent English to the mock Texas accent he somehow inherited from his New England relatives, how is it possible that the majority of Americans decided he was the one best suited to lead the country. I mean, HAVE YOU NOT HEARD HIM TALK!? Aside from this, the top aides and Whitehouse insiders who describe his administration do not have positive things to say. He's like a muppet without all that Jim Hensen fun. I feel so disgusted with the country. Where are we headed? It's surely not toward greater tolerance for those around the world. Nor is it toward protecting the environment we depend upon for every breath we take. People said they voted based on "moral issues." What does that even mean? The Republican party isn't the example of morality on the vast majority of issues. Even if you're against killing fetuses, you may not have any problem with letting people starve in the streets. Or with letting them breathe toxic air. Or drink polluted water. After all, you can probably afford to save yourself -- who cares about the rest of them? You're successful and it's because you deserve it. The rest of them? Maybe they're just lazy. On second thought, it's America who seems to be lazy. People are so dissatisfied with the last four years... and what did they do? They re-elected the man whoses decisions constitute a sizeable chunk of that dissatisfaction. I'd like to think that when Americans see the need for a change, we make one. But all I'm left with is "we're going to hell in a handbasket."

ponderings

This week promises to be hellish: a large debate in enviro. ethics, a midterm in enviro. political theory, and a landscape contemplation paper for Rohn in Nature and the American Landscape. All large chunks of said classes' grades. Ah well. I read for an NAQT quiz bowl tournament that was held here yesterday. The whole thing was rather surreal: the high school and college worlds collided in one grand anomaly. Quiz bowl at St. Olaf? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't playing and that I went to this college. I suddenly felt like I was 16 years old... it was very strange to have Brian and Chris there, too. Part of me really wished that I was back at Chaska High School, where life was far less complicated and seemed to have concrete meaning through this crazy world of academic competition. It was odd to finish up, walk back to Mellby and step back into reality.

On an unrelated note, it's starting to sink in that Jimmy won't be here second semester... I'd like to think that I'm an independent, 20 year old woman and that I'll be just fine without him around, but I think that's just the lie I'm trying to feed myself to make it easier to see him go. If you figure that he's leaving around Jan 15th or so and that when he comes back in late May, I'll be heading right to Norway for a month, and then it will be the summer. That's quite a long time to be without one's highly significant other.... how depressing.

MUCH later today: I think I've over-involved myself like I always do. Between the coffeehouse, RAing, the Mellby Hall Council, the St. Olaf Band, and all classes, I just want to scream. Tonight's Hall Council meeting just seemed to be filled with animosity. It never had occured to me how much democracy was about the process, and not the outcome. I feel like Hall Council's democracy has slipped to below-par.

Princess Mononoke is really a fabulous film... I wish I could disappear into another world for a bit.

Fall Break

As most of you probably know, I don't count down the days/hours/minutes until I'll next be back at home in Chanhassen. I love home because it's where I came from and my family is there, not because it provides a lot of warmth, rest, or relaxation. This past few days at home turned everything upside down. I can usually figure out what's right to do in a given situation, given the principles that I've adopted throughout my turbulent 20 years. This weekend, however, left me with nothing but confusion. I don't understand how God could allow such terrible things to occur. I'm losing what I thought were the right ways to live. My idea of right and wrong seem to have been put into a blender and blasted to smithereens. Things are so unhappy. There is little meaning to be found in such dreary sadness. Now that I'm back at school, I feel as if I've stumbled back onto my well-worn path, but only to discover that I wasn't really looking around at what actually happens in the world. It would be easier to be judgmental or to place blame, but I couldn't do that... it would only make the world that much worse. I feel like a small raft adrift at sea.

rotten leaf mulchers!

My leaf obsession is coming to an end because the mulchers are out obliterating all th beauty from fall with one fell swoop. :( How sad. Paper #1 is DONE! But my prof. decided to give us very useful tips on not using sexist language (like man instead of humans are created in God's image) TODAY after the papers were totally done. How helpful!!! And, I can tell that she's not a very objective prof so the whole thesis of my paper (which points the blame of environmental crises at Christianity's creation story, frequently using the word "man") will be much less well received than before said class digression! Maybe I'm just out of the loop, but I never got the "use plural subjects or she" talk in Con and certainly not in the sciences, where men rule anyway. Did I just miss this? I feel icky, like I'm adding to the gender discrimination in this country. Wait, but since my paper was more a "point the finger" type one, perhaps it's good I blamed men. Women certainly don't have this idea that they need to prove their strength over the natural world. Bah to you, mans!

one nerdy weekend

in which I have done homework for both Friday and Saturday evenings. I hate to say it, but what a relief! After the incessant busyness that was last week, it's a relief to be a bum for an entire stretch of two days while I'm on duty in Mellby. This is the most at-home I've ever felt on the Hill. My room is atrocious, but it's atrociously mine. I can walk around my room naked after I get out of the shower, spread my books about, make ice cream on the floor, stay up til 2am writing one day and go to sleep at 11 the next. Such freedom! So here's to Mellby 312, the best room on campus.

Monday monday...

I attempted to study outside this afternoon, but the autumn leaves were just too spectacular to ignore and stare at "Democracy and Green Political Thought." Rock the Vote is on campus today which is HIGHLY exciting even if it's HIGHLY consumerist. Seriously, they're giving out stuff by the gallon.
This weekend was the St. Olaf Band (by God!)'s home concert. I thought it was one of our best. I haven't felt a real connection to the music as much as I did this year. Saturday night, I could feel it breathing life into all of us on stage and in the audience. It was a series of perfect moments, like watching leaves float by the dozen off of a maple tree. Yesterday I took out Gnomeo and I wandered about the campus taking pictures for a new 3rd floor bulletin board: where's Gnomeo? It will be splendid, I promise.
Also this weekend were my first real experiences as an RA mediator. Roommate conflict sprung up in the quiet Utopia that is usually the third floor of Mellby. I heard some absolutely appalling things coming from one of the roommates and her friend while they were talking in the hall. I had never imagined being disappointed in any of my residents, but that was all I could think of. I felt horrible that they were so rude, that I had heard their comments, and even worse, for the subject of those unjustified words. How is it that people can be so good and so terrible all at once?
There's a bat on the lawn that Cathy and I were trying to take care of. His wing is smashed beyond repair and he'll probably die soon. I know that I shouldn't be too emotional. After all, death is a natural part of life. To never die would be awful. Still, seeing this tiny bat struggle for its life and knowing I am completely powerless is heartbreaking. Life is so cruel sometimes. I guess we have to live for moments like the music onstage or taking photographs of the beauty around you and try to understand the bad things like hallway talk or an innocent death.

lime tositos

I have found a new appreciation for life... in chip form. You could buy my love with lime flavored tostitos. It doesn't take much to win me over.

I AM the Big Bang

as in I'm going a million directions at once rather violently. The coffeehouse is opening this weekend and I've had to do everything, train everyone, buy everything and get the whole thing set up. I didn't realize how much work this would involve, mainly because there isn't any set procedure. Whatever I want to do goes. It's empowering and unsettling all at the same time. In addition to the coffeehouse, I'm now wearing a "holter" which is this thing that has wires running to my chest and monitors my heart for 24 hours. It's more than a bit uncomfortable and I'm not even letting myself think about "what if"s. On the bright side, tomorrow night is the Ben Folds concert! I'll be holter free and it'll be the first free night I've had in weeks. :) It's frickin' freezing here, so if you're in MN don't forget your scarf and hot chocolate.

feeling a bit blue

I'm not sure why exactly. I've been quite alone the whole day which is sometimes a good thing in that it could give you perspective and peace of mind. Not so tonight. I am just lonely. I've half a mind right now to give up on reading my enviro ethics article, "The World As God's Body," and just munch on chocolate while watching Sex and the City. What's really depressing me right now are people. I wish everyone had it in their minds to be friendly and welcoming toward one another. I hoped to make some new friends in Mellby, but I keep encountering people who are wrapped up in their own worlds and end up being a bit rude without realizing it. It's disheartening! Why should I keep trying to be Ms. Friendly RA when it's meant with dull indifference? Such a "what reason is there to keep going?" day. Three things, however, have kept up my faith in humanity: Ansel Adams' photographs, Jennifer and Bridget next door, and old St. Olaf Band CDs. God Bless the SOB.

the day of good deeds

It's definitely getting closer to fall, leaving keep falling from trees and even though I fail at trying to catch one for good luck, I know I'll be coordinated enough one day.

It's been both busy and quiet over the last couple weeks. RAing is less of a time commitment, though you have to be ready to do things like delivering 300 phone books the moment they arrive to each room in the hall. It's getting closer to Halloween and my fears of the Mellby ghosts have been rekindled. I keep imagining shadows moving in my room at night and an inability to scream for all I'm worth. In good Mellby news, we had our first social program and it so incredibly fun that I've had a hard time studying over the past few days. I'm doing coffeehouse interview entirely on my own this week and it's both scary and invigorating. "I am supervisor, hear me ROAR!" I think it'll be a good year as far as the jobs are concerned. I just wish I had a bit more time to laze about and read for school.

Fortunately for me, I'm on duty this weekend! Besides writing two papers, I'm going to watch movies with some of the girls, eat roasted chestnuts, put up Christmas lights, clean, and go to Ren Fest on Saturday with Jimmy.

RIGHT! So good deeds! Yesterday, I volunteered for extra duty in Hoyme, ate a quiet dinner alone, was nice to Prof. Welch, did pilates, talked to an old [drunken] friend on the phone, got kissed on the top of my head from a guy who's a bit quirky and had never kissed a girl before, interviewed people, started coffeehouse inventory, did the Mellby fire drill, helped Vanna find a lost earring in the dark, picked up pretty leaves for people, and had a wonderful discussion in environmental ethics. In retrospect some were deeds I did and others were ones exchanged. Meh, it's all good, I guess.

stalkernet

I love looking up random people on stalkernet. Names like "John" are particularly fun because they yield such varied and numerous results. With each person, I wonder what who they are/what their hobbies and interests might be. Did they like the snapshot St. Olaf recorded of their image? Or, did they change it for a particular reason? Have I met this person? Maybe they came across my picture some time and wondered the same questions.... I feel like I know the people from their pictures and that if I did happen upon them, we'd have conversation material. I also assume that all the people are well-meaning and kindly because that's how I'd like to think random people are: just trying to make their own small difference on the world.

On totally random subjects, I spent a lot of time yesterday with doctors. I guess I have an extremely rapid pulse. It seems to be regular, just very fast. I have no idea currently what this means for my health long-term or if it is linked to the fatigue that seems to haunt me. They did draw more blood, much to my dismay. Maybe it'll yield something very insightful, but most likely it's just another two containers of me lost to the ages. I really hate the feeling of the needly poking around in my arm... I tense up and pretend I'm on a deserted tropical island I like to call "Laurentopia."

Incidentally, Laurentopia is my back-up plan. If things don't work out academically, I'll head there to weave underwater baskets. I figure that the great mysteries of life can be revealed through things like basket-weaving, particulaly if water is involved, but that we just tend to write it off as not worthy of our time because of the fast-paced modern life. Right now, before Laurentopia, I intend to put off my ES major decisions for a semester by simply taking other required classes. Currently I am living and breathing environmental thought, art, politics, and map-making. I'm sure something brilliant will occur before the end of the semester, most likely with the help of the Center for Experiential Learning, my destiny-revealing hallucenogen. Being on student staff makes me turn to offices instead of drugs for such things. Not that I ever turned to drugs (maybe alcohol a bit)... ok, anyway.

Last but not least, today Jimmy and I have been dating for a year. Yay! It's by far the most sustainable romance ever. Sometimes I get it in my head that I need Shakespearean drama, but then I remember that it would last for about a microsecond and I'd need something that has laughter and things like cooking and Futurama. Ahhh... what a great boyfriend he is. Here's to you, Boy. :)

Happy New Year

Classes have begun on the ol' hill. After sitting through the first of what will undoubtedly be many painful genetics lectures, I realized that I don't want to major in biology. When I first got here, I was told quite bluntly that I ought to major in bio because it is a real science, unlike environmental studies. So, ok, I did, but not because I actually wanted to. Thus I have run headlong into a wall. I don't think I'm meant to focus just on science. I feel like I left the humanities in the background and now I'm really regretting it. Know what else I'm regretting? WAITING UNTIL JUNIOR YEAR TO HAVE THIS EPIPHANY! Since I have and cannot go back and make things right, I need to figure out what I'm doing in the next few days. I have no career destination at which to arrive [yet] so I'm in limbo. Time to call in the professionals. I'll update on Monday after I've consulted some folks.

I'm so glad I did this!

Thus far, RA training has been a great week. We've been at training each morning around 8:30 am and the nights have frequently gone as late as 11pm, but damn! It's like the best possible thing I could've done with my junior year. You're helping people, but you're also helping yourself. It's like a character makeover. The only times I've felt this confident in myself have been at summer Girl Scout Camp. And it's only getting better as people start to move in. The people living in Mellby all seem really great and I can't wait to get to know them better. Our staff is awesome. Rylan, Josh, and Cate are some of the best and nicest people to work with. Heather (the area coordinator) is super cool. I'm even getting over my fear of the Mellby ghosts, none of whom I have met yet (and half-hope never to meet). This is going to be a wonderful year.

Happy Birthday Mansfield Park!

Actually, no, not the Jane Austen novel. It's the REAL birthday of my blog! I created it one year ago today...

Ahhh... the wonders of weblogs. I ought to write a bit of something on the action at fortawesome.blogspot.com, demonstrative of the crazy power blogging seems to hold over (one can only assume) what were once rational people. The upcoming election seems to have long-since taken hold of many people's minds. Either I just wasn't paying attention last time (which wasn't true) or things are getting much more heated much earlier for the 2004 election. Comments like:
*Make a collection of your soap box and every other liberal soap box, and have yourself a grand bon fire.
*If you feel the need to be this [i.e. the liberal bonfire comment] oppressive, go live in Communist China. (ok, so this one was me)
*WRONG, freaks
*John Kerry is nothing short of evil... He is a lying piece of shit.
and my personal favorite: *Say what you want about being independent or liberal. Say what you want about your wrong viewpoints. Say anything you want about you or your sexual attraction to sticks used by Dan Rather. Do NOT, bash George W. Bush. He is a great man. Fuck you all, assholes. (For further explanation on the Dan Rather comments as well as other, more profane commentary check out grant's blog).

But HONESTLY! Presidential elections make people into raving lunatics. The last few quotes on there are just abysmal. Freedom of speech does not equal freedom of vulgarity! Ugh, what was a decent debate devolved into a mud-slinging contest full of conservative BS from people who don't know Grant at all but somehow think that he deserves that kind of crap? I don't think W. is a great man, or even close to one. Nothing he's ever said could have convinced me of it. And now I'm none-too-impressed by his supporters either.

OMG!

Just came to the sudden realization that Jim Broadbent, who plays Bridget Jones's father in the fab movie, ALSO was Harold Zidler in Moulin Rouge! MY GOD! Talk about a versatile actor! You would never know he was the same guy..... The things you learn on IMDB while bored at work!