just another frenzied friday

I wish it were my day! Instead, I'm at the office for the whole day, of course. At least this week has passed by more quickly than last. But the real reason I'm in a frenzy is that St. Olaf grades are due to be posted this morning. And that is enough to make my blood pressure catapult. I'm guiltily refreshing the webpage every couple minutes in the hope that a sure sign that I a) am a good student, b) deserve to consider myself a nerd and c)am not going to be chucked out of school will appear.

Still not there. What are they playing at? Do they know people all over are brooding over their grades, waiting for them to be displayed? What kind of torture are they attempting to inflict? I mean, sweet Registrar, put them up now pretty please? If they do it according to last name, then mine should be coming soon, right? Right? ... CURSES!

AH! I keep doing it, so I've closed the window and that's that. MMMMHMMM. I'll look again in a few minutes... err, hours.

Ode to a Secchi disk

Secchi disks have to be one of the greatest inventions of all time... errr... limnological time. But seriously. A whole bunch of water quality info from this one little white disk on a string. A long time ago, Mr. Secci needed to measure the clarity of the Mediterranean Sea for one of the popes and he invented this happy little beast. What's more is that making Secchi disks today got me out of the office for a whole 5 hours!!! I get to go home in only 3 hours and it's been the best day of work so far. Today, we made 15 shnazzy, proto-type Secchi disks. Usually, they're quite heavy so that one can get an accurate reading of water clarity. As you lower it into the water, the moment at which the white disk is no longer visible is the Secchi depth. The string is marked with paint pens (which I successfully avoided getting all over my white shirt!) so you round the depth off to the closest foot as marked on the string. However, backpacking through the BWCA presents a challenge to the avid lake-monitorer. One cannot simply lug a several pound Secchi disk about. Instead, a man here designed a new one, made of durable plastic, with a net pouch attached. One simply adds rocks to the pouch and voila! The portable, yet potent, Secchi disk is born and one may monitor freely! We even got to model their use. Jimmy, the bracelette you gave me is making its debut all over MN as my hand casually adds rocks to the pouch. I got to go out to lunch today, too. Again, Secchi disks are one of the greatest inventions.

Ned's here!

Finally -- human contact! Ned Brooks, who resides in the cubicle across from mine, is back from a work-related trip to South Africa!!! It's exciting to have another living soul nearby. It's really a shame that I'm so tired every day that I can't keep my head up. I literally go to bed at 10:30 every night and get up at 6:30 -- that's a whole 8 hours! I don't know what else to do. My body is clearly saying "you're working me too hard" but that's sort of a problem with the whole internship thing. How do people like me balance this? There must be someone out there who is fatigued and works an office job! Maybe they don't have to commute as much? Still -- I'm on the lookout for anti-exhaustion ideas or tips. If you have any, do comment.

car bashings, etc.

This weekend had some downs. Me backing into Grant's car accidentally was definitely a big one. Of course he graciously told me it was ok (like I knew he would 'cause he's just that nice) but I still felt Stupid with a capital S about it. Gotta look into getting that one undented. I also bashed in the back of My Antonia. Damn with a capital D. Poor baby. Stupid owner. Still, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And what's more, a lot of things aren't as bad as they could be by any means.

The job. Well, the commuting is a pain in the ass and pushed me from mental exhaustion to complete physical exhaustion as well. Still, it's not that bad. It's very tedious and monotonous work, but I'm sure I'll be happy that the MPCA is air-conditioned come July. And, it looks like I'll at least be in the field once or twice so that's something. What's more, it's a slight ego boost that I can do this job. As far as the report writing goes, I've learned a lot in high school and some at St. Olaf and by God, my worst fear that I'd be totally incompetent has passed. I might need to cut back on hours as the CFS stuff worsens, but for now I'll just bear having to go to bed at 10:30 (pathetic) every night and save my social life for the weekends.

The weekend! Jimmy came to visit! YAY! I had tons of fun with him, just as always. We went bed shopping with my mom (because my sad little bed has nearly all of it's supports broken) and ended up finding a similarly metal headboard, but much older looking bed AND bought a frame and boxspring to go with it. He also helped my destress, organize my mess of assorted CDs, movies, and books. It was in short, the ideal weekend.

Amanda! I saw her FINALLY. Sheesh. It took me long enough. But it's splendid to see her, even if we are in very different places.

My room! It will be livable, so help me God. It's a tiny room, yes. It's a full room, as one is bound to be when the college stuff moves back in. But you know what? It can be cleaned! It will be rearranged. And I am just the girl to do it... on a weekend.

See all these lovely things to be happy about, to find refuge in. I just need to keep reminding myself when I'm feeling ready to throw in the towel. :)

what makes a career worthwhile?

I was always under the impression that in order to have a worthwhile occupation, you would do something related to what you liked to study. However, I'm not so sure about that. A lot of things that you love to read and think about make for frustrating jobs, as I'm finding out. I love being outside and cleaning up the Earth, but the desk job at the MPCA isn't ... really my thing. However, I really love the coffeehouse and I never tire of that job no matter what. Now honestly, how does that work? Even if my friends never came to visit, I'd love it. Shouldn't it be the other way around, that the more challenging, scientific internship beats out the college work study job? I think it takes a lot more to be satisfied at work than prestige or academic pursuits. If you can't really get the satisfaction of making anyone's day better through the work you do, then I find that I'm not really feeling satisfied with the job either. I think in the end, go to college, learn, find things you like to do and graduate. THEN, think about what you want to do, even if it has nothing to do with anything. I can always take hikes or monitor lakes for fun, but I doubt that I'd feel content devoting my life to it.

MPCA and marriage

Two huge things happened this week.

For starters (as a lot of you know), I began my first "real world job". Actually I think I may be the first one of us all to actually have a real office, cubicle, work environment, etc. job except for maybe Wendy.

And that brings me to number two:

Wendy's getting married... this August.

My Wendy! MARRIED! I wondered when this would happen (and I rightly guessed when we told me she had exciting news for me) but I didn't think I'd be in such shock. Happy shock, mind you. Wendy is wonderful and BYU boys are all nice, responsible, caring and older, thus they are at the point in life during which one intends to marry. I mean, he's 24 -- because good Mormon boys go on missions for 0.5-2 years -- and having just graduated will be going to med school. And Wendy is giving up the single life of living with "the girls" in her moral, bachelorette pad to marry him, to change her name, leave her apt., friends and possibly even BYU to follow him. Is this "bacheloretter" than waiting a year?

BYU operates, from all that I understand of this mysterious place, on a different time scale than the rest of the U.S. People get married to other members of the church in college and this is perfectly normal. I can't help but compare this to St. Olaf, where it's kosher to wait at least until the day after graduation to tie the knot. But, are these two religious schools that different? Here Wendy is, 20 years old, about to marry a fiance she's been dating for not even six months. And then there's me planning to marry the guy I've been dating for 9 months. I guess it's a fair point that Jimmy and I will NOT be doing any marrying in the next two years, thus extending the courtship period into the "acceptable" length of time that one tests the waters. I have to wonder, what would it be like if we all were getting married right now? It seems like there's so much to do and to learn and many mistakes to make before you "settle down." But people didn't always believe this needed to happen while single. In fact, to many it's perfectly acceptable to go through these life experiences with someone else at your side. It's like a safety net.

This whole marriage thing is Scary with a capital S. I hope Wendy feels she's making the right decision (which I know she does), that everything goes off without a hitch, and that my time won't come for a blissfully long while.

From a lonely cubicle

Sigh. I was really excited for this internship, but day one has been anything but eventful and I have been counting down the hours since I got here. I am sitting alone. In a cubicle. Reading various Lake Assessment Programs. Alone. With nothing else to occupy my time. Can you say Office Space? Man. This is supposed to be meaningful, experiential work, but I am longingly thinking of my lovely little Coffeehouse in Larson Hall where work is never dull and other human beings dare to speak to you. I was supposed to get some data to analyze, but thus far nada except a hundred pages on Lake Assessments in Itasca and Cook Counties. Hey -- "expect" is like "except" EXCEPT for the c and the p are reversed. Cool!

OMG... Did I actually just write that? I think I've hit rock bottom and am cracking completely. Well. I better go partition the end of my food to last me. So f*ing hungry.

peace and rain

I marvel at how wonderful it is to be on campus when most people have already left. It's a tranquil Wednesday night and the rain is falling outside my window onto some much needed earth. I also marvel at how good it feels to have a nearly-empty room. Right now, 501 Larson is clean and open and I just feel at peace inside of it. There is little clutter, no posters or bits of paper tacked to the walls. It's like the man-made image of nature. I only wish Jimmy was still around! It's lovely to have some time to think and be peaceful, but I know I'll have a lot of quiet nights this summer after work and I wish I could just be with him for right now. I talked to him on the phone, so that's some consolation. But still, perhaps there's a sweet calm to this melancholy that makes it much easier to bear than the confinement of home. I could live like this for months on end.

cursed superego!

I think I've figured out what my problem is! I have an overactive superego! I'm way too rule-conscious with other people ("oh, that's not polite!") -- blah blah, so who cares? No one will suddenly hate you if you're not on your best behavior. I think my superego is my parents! Guilt, catholicism, academia, being "perfect" and "good" all time. My superego is the messed up one, I should just not worry! While I love Freud, I do have a bone to pick with him: I don't think that your entire personality is formed by the age of 5! Look at me! Until age 5, serious parental depression was out of the picture! It was after age 5 that that set in and I got pretty messed up hearing all kinds of traumatic things, like what a bad kid I was. So honestly Mr. Freud, sheesh! J/k. It's ok. Everyone has history. Sometimes it's just really crippling, that's all. Anyway, thus ends my con-prompted ponderings. :) Nighty night all you Freudian sex fiends!

HAHAH! Houston, we have TITLE!

Mwa hahahah! Blogger rocks my world. I decided to boycott studying for a bit longer in order to check out my potential blog possibilities. Y'all can comment and such. How exciting! It's time to bite the bullet (or perhaps the contralto mouthpiece?) and get ready for jury, finals, and other such important events in the next day or two. Good luck everyone!

itunes!

My computer got a facelift! I'm so proud! It's all beautiful with Mozilla and itunes! I'm excited to perhaps clean up some of the junk I've got about... :) yay!!!

Lauren = slacker

Halloa! I feel like a bit of a slacker for taking a 12 day blog break, but ah well.

Exciting things have happened! I have an internship! It's at the MN Pollution Control Agency and I'll be all over the state take lake water samples to analyze and look for trends in MN water quality. It should be fun, but it'll be mighty tricky to figure out how I will a) commute, b) balance my time between Chanhassen and Northfield and manage to get from place to place with gas prices, c) squeeze in orgo someplace since i won't be taking classes this summer.

What else... hmmm... it's getting to be that time -- moveout! My neighbors on the 5th floor have all began to move boxes around and have their parents take loads of stuff home and here I sit with a lot stuff to pack up and put into cockroach-infested Mellby storage. This, my friends, is why we invented plastic! Six storage containers ought to fit a lot! Hopefully? Haha... ummm... yeah. Now it's off to the last class of the year. Craziness.

Hmmm... this is going to be a terribly deep and thoughtful post, but I want to list the delicious movies (yes, I said delicious) I've seen lately that I highly recommend.

Big Fish -- The movie floats by like a dream, with the same bizarre characters and settings, but it's hilarious and absolutely tear-provoking in places. At the end, you feel that life is worth living and one must strive to understand it all. Moreover, Ewan McGregor is hott. With two "t"s.

Love Actually -- This movie has been on in our room too many times to count in the last week. It starts by saying love actually is all around and by god, it makes its case well. There are too many fine Brit actors to count (Colin Firth! Colin Firth? Colin Firth!!!!) and the various stories all interweave nicely.

Finding Nemo -- Disney and Pixar should always make movies. Or rather, Pixar should go all dominatrix and make Disney its bitch. I love this movie! Everyone loves this movie! That's reason enough, besides the way cool marine ecosystems and talking specimens one enounters while watching.

Star Wars -- Go for the classics, go for the gold. Honestly, that's the pinnacle of our favorite galaxy far, far away, though Yoda's lightsaber scene in Ep. II kicked some major ass. Still, nothing beats Sir Alec Guiness, banter between Leia and Han, an animatronic Yoda with bedhead, and Mark Hamil's only real acting roles.

Lord of the Rings -- Who in their right mind wouldn't love these movies with an open heart? They're like one giant orgasm with everything you could ever want in your life. Wow. Go Peter Jackson. Go hobbits. Them's the best darn films y'all'll (?) find round these parts. Seriously.


Other ones I need to buy: American Beauty, Chocolat, Matrix Revolutions (or the original for that matter), Office Space, but these are all classics, at least in my book.


And now I'm done. I hope you've enjoyed this lovely regression -- Have a good evening!

Wow! I just wasted many minutes of my life with this sad but strangely enticing game: happy battings!

Though sadly the curator of this site cannot spell "penguin" nor will the blogger let me actually add a link (alas!), so copy and paste and it's worth your time.

http://home.tele2.fr/kcv/pinguin.swf

I'm telling my little brother that there's something wrong with me and it's absolutely heartbreaking. How do you tell someone you love that well that you're sick? I can't stop crying, but I've realized that a lot of people don't know what's going on with me and I ought to tell them. I feel like I've unintentionally hurt feelings by being sensitive about things like getting enough sleep, finding a place to sleep, being exhausted, or getting sick a lot. If you were one of them, I'm really, really sorry. Ever since having mono in high school, I noticed that I didn't have a good immune system and I never seemed to feel rested. It got a lot worse when I came to college, so that it is hard for me to sleep at night, much less get enough sleep, and be able to feel healthy and go to class. It was getting really bad so I decided to go to the doctor. About a thousand visits and blood tests, we ruled out everything and I had enough symptoms to get the loose diagnosis of "chronic fatigue syndome." Basically, my body doesn't sleep the way other people's do. No matter how much sleep I get, I don't wake up feeling good or rested. If I get less than 8 or 9 a night (which is hard with 8am classes), I feel nauseous and dizzy sometimes to the point of not being able to sit or stand. I usually have a headache and just going through the motions of a normal day completely wipes me out. It's hard to get through college and work and activities like band and still do well, but I'm trying. I think I can lead a normal life as long as I'm careful, but I just want everyone to know what's going on. I know we all have problems that are difficult to deal with, but it feels good to get all this out finally. Anyway... it's time to sleep. :) Goodnight.

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a while because I haven't really known what to write. It's been a really difficult week for me CFS-wise because of the tests, sleep hazards, and the eco lab in the rain. I wish I could just normally deal with homework and school and have a normal amount of feeling sick and being dizzy and exhausted, but that's just not possible. I want to not get frustrated when I feel like people don't get it, but sometimes I find myself getting mad, like it's just not fair. I need to get over it, I know.

And so here comes ponderance numero deux:
It's true that your upbringing has a lot of effect on your personality. I feel like a lot of things about how I was raised were wonderful: I know what it means to work hard, to be frugal, to disappear into your imagination, to love the Earth and the creatures within it, and have been encouraged in all things academic. However, I feel like I didn't learn how to be happy, how to be totally honest with people close to me without worrying that they would take advantage of vulnerabilities, how to feel confident in myself, or how to just live without worrying about something or feeling sad about something. All these need to be relearned and some things simply put into the past. I am having trouble doing this! I wish I could go back to what my nature was before things got bad at home and start over, but I know I'd be a different person and that would be no good. Oh well -- what's the point of life if not to travel from the person you used to be to the one you will become?

Well... time to go to work. :) Happy evening all!

Hmmmm... Easter was lovely. Had a great time at Jimmy's, like I always do. I feel more free away from home and academics both. However, the start of class again smacked me upside the head. Four hours on the lab paper from hell not counting many more hours spent in lab. It'll be about two days until I am in my room to relax. Oh well. The band is performing at MENC and off I go!

However, the best part of today was undoubtedly roomdraw because I am going to be an RA IN MELLBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I'm so excited for training that it's sad! :)

So, that's all for tonight -- time to cram a chemistry assignment into my rehabilitation moments before bed.

I was napping before our French petite examen but I'm afraid that I just cannot ignore some hunger pangs and it's time to munch. Cheese and crackers a wonderful part of existence. I know I've babbled on about them two posts ago, but honestly, YUM! I think I would be content roaming around outside with friends, sleeping under trees, and eating hunks of bread, meat and cheese as meals forever.... just like Robin Hood! I remember reading the full and arduously difficult version of "The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood" when I was younger. It was so thick and difficult that it was all my reading points for the whole quarter. But I never forgot that idea of freedom... just to be outside, to live simply, and to follow just and noble causes. What decadence have I been living since then? I think that college is (and is rightfully so) an inherently selfish time because it's all about you. You pursue your own education, tastes, and pursuits and hopefully these are tempered and at the end you emerge as a butterfly of sorts. Still, I always feel I'm missing something large and vast and that I can just barely taste it to know it's there yet still outside my grasp. Maybe it's religion, maybe it's freedom, maybe it's just as simply as some truly free time. But it's out there and that's what matters.

This was a great weekend. The band concert went well. I read outside. I spent some quality time with the Jimmy. I talked with my roommate. I went into town with the Megan. I didn't leave all my homework for Sunday. I saw my mom and my brother. And now I'm going to talk with friends, do some chemistry and feast on tea and a poptart. Yum yum.

Friday!

I spent my absolutely favorite time of the week outside reading, and inside watching Jeopardy as I finally hung up some posters in my room while munching on some good cheese and crackers. In an hour, the Jimmy is going to show me all the food and plans he's been concocting for our "Six Months Observed" festivities. I love Fridays! On what other day of the week do you get forced to be productive and then are rewarded with relaxation and the prospect of a whole weekend??? Mmmm... blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see.