sinking

Hey everyone,

I promise I've been meaning to update about Budapest and I will once I feel happy enough to do it justice for the most wonderful week it was...

Right now, however, I feel like I need to lock myself in my room and scream. It's everything at once: the band, and the hall, and the coffeehouse, and classes, and the future plans. All of it is piling up one after the other and I'm at the bottom with no hope of getting back on top of it all again for quite some time. Part of me feels "silly girl, you shouldn't have commited to so much" but the other part remembers that it hasn't been this bad the whole year! For the most part, I've been happily busy and I've really enjoyed what I do. So what's going on right now? My new best friend, my planner, is full of meetings, projects, reminders, and things I have to get done so that there's literally no more room to write down my assignments for school. I keep thinking "as soon as ____ is done, it'll be ok" but I have to realize that this is a lot more than just one hall event or one moment in band.

Tears are always bubbling up just under my surface. Tonight I cried in public and then some more and I realized afterward that no one stopped to help... I mean, I was talking to someone but there was no "Lauren, are you ok?" or "would you like a hug" nothing... I just kept trying to stop the tears and wiping them away when I could not. It wasn't until I got back to Mellby that I got some support. Support... yeah, that's definitely missing in my life right now. There's no Jimmy. He's not here and I can't see him until the end of June. I have to face that. But the other stuff... where is it coming from? I feel as if everything got so busy so suddenly that there's nothing I can do to renegotiate my schedule and, of course, no one can help. On the whole, my friends outside the hall are too busy with their own worries and troubles to help me. But, I really do need some help and support. I'm living in constant fear of sobbing or snapping or collapsing (literally... the CFS is not going to let me keep up with a schedule of no breaks from morning until late at night for much longer).

I wish that people would remember how much of a difference they make! In my super-hysterical state, the little bad things that happen get magnified but so do the small good things people do. Tonight, I talked to Kristin A., Josh, Lisa, Christine and Peter at the front desk and I could have kissed them all for the relief it was to have people care and sympathize with what was happening to me right when I needed it most. My life is spinning out of my control and now, it's those nice things people are doing that keep me going.